I have always said that God is a gentleman. He will give you anything you ask for, but never force anything Ion you. He will wait patiently until you are ready. He will sit by and give you time to decide on your own. That was made very obvious to me (AGAIN!) today on my ride home from Charlotte. I was singing at the top of my lungs to my bike riding playlist to stay alert and not angry because of crazy traffic. Everything from Monster by Skillet to 1999 by Prince to Bicycle by Queen. About 30 miles from home, I decided to switch to a playlist I have of new worship songs. The first song that I listened to was Come Alive by Lauren Daigle. One of my new favs!! It got me excited. I was thinking about taking authority and calling things out. The chorus says "we call out to dry bones come alive". YES....we have that authority, we just don't walk in it every day like we are called to. I started thinking about how many "dry bones" and "dead hearts" there are even in churches. If we truly all STOOD UP for what we knew and believe in, this world would be incredibly amazingly different in a moment! I was pumped....feeling the power....then the 2nd song came on....
I had listened to it before. Mostly because I LOVE Steffany Gretzinger. I have said before she could sing the PHONEBOOK and I would cry. But this song had spoken to my heart before, but never like this. The bridge says "what hindered love only becomes part of the story". Ok, I knew that. All the craziness, tragedies, sadness, things I have been through are part of my story. They are what my testimony is made of.It's how I reach others for God. I knew that already Steffany....what else ya got?? I loved singing this song, the chorus and the bridge....but I didn't know the words to the verses. So, I replayed it and really decided to listen close to the words. Oh my God..my precious sweet loving God....He had a plan to give me a little nudge today... (I'm going to post the lyrics, and then talk a little...then at the end of the post, I will post the song itself. If you haven't heard it....get ready! It's awesome!)
Here's the first verse.....
Come out of hiding, You’re safe here with Me
There’s no need to cover what I already see
You’ve got your reasons, but I hold your peace
You’ve been on lockdown, and I hold the key
I know that I have had broken parts along the way. And I have thought that God healed them all too. But here's the thing....He stops when I reach the limit of what my heart and mind can handle at the moment. Then, when I am asking for more of God....He gently says, but wait, we still have a little more fixing to do. I listened to these words...come out of hiding....was I hiding? I felt like I wasn't. I am outgoing about everything I do, sharing my testimony, serving, being a mom, work....but was I still hiding from God??? No need to cover what He already sees....ok, God (and Steffany) ouch....that is hitting a little too close to home now. Then line 3 comes along....I get it, He says, you have your reasons Libby, you were hurt, really hurt, by someone who was supposed to love you, you thought you could trust, you have reasons to be afraid...But I hold YOUR peace. I thought I had peace, I did. But do I really? Do I have the peace that goes BEYOND ALL understanding? Do I not only have HIS peace, but MY peace that HE has for me? Then He hits me with the last line....I've been on lockdown, but if I would just go to Him, He has the KEY!!!! I have locked away the full 100% Libby. The one that He wants to know better. But I have to invite Him in. Again, gentleman.
Ok, so now the chorus, which I already knew, but was balling at this point....
‘Cause I loved you before you knew what was love
I saw it all, still I chose the cross
You were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory is yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home
Oh boy....He loved me during a time when I forgot what love was! He was there, even when I wasn't listening and was doing everything I could to ignore Him. I felt betrayed by Him, I felt abandoned by Him, He "let" that happen to me. But even when I was ignoring Him, he was patiently waiting for me to come running back....a gentleman I say. Then the end of the chorus....He said very clearly in my car today....Libby, there's no reason to stand at a distance now, come close, I made a way for YOU. Even if it was only for you...I did that.
Still balling, can't sing, trying to still drive....verse 2.....
And I’ll be your lighthouse when you’re lost at sea
I will illuminate everything
No need to be frightened by intimacy
No, just throw off your fear and come running to Me
When I was "lost at sea" in my own funk, He was the lighthouse waiting to guide me home. Constantly glowing, shining through all my darkness, to bring me back to Him. Then here was the hardest kick to the chest I got...why are you frightened of intimacy with Me? Finally Libby....lay down your fears, and come running home!!! I literally couldn't breath. Why am I hiding from Him? Why am I avoiding getting closer to Him even though I say I want more? Straight forward F-E-A-R of the unknown. Fear of being hurt, abandoned, left alone, fear of truly letting go of control.....
Then the very end of the song says "baby you're almost home now, please don't quit now"....another kick in the chest. WOW...I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I WAS already fully His. I didn't think I had it all figured out, or was super holy or anything....but I had no idea how much I was holding back from Him....and how much that was keeping Him from being able to give to me. All the things that He has stored up just for me.
I want more.....now what??? I don't know yet....
Take a moment, listen to the song....let it speak to your heart like it did mine today (about 10 times over!)
https://youtu.be/XFkDqQtfs0w
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Friday, June 23, 2017
All Because of Him
I have to take a few moments to brag on my sweet sweet hubby today. So if you don't like mushy gushy love stories, you might want to just look away.....
I am away this week at Camp Dayspring with my bestie doing what we do best....loving on kiddos!! We are having a blast! I am wore out, but still loving it! We have cooked, cleaned, swept, sweated, feed kids, talked with kids....but the best part for me, is doing worship with these adorable children. I got to be a part of Vertical Worship (our church's youth praise team) this week by doing the motions for worship. These kids are soaking it up!!! They love worshipping the Lord. They were told this week by one of the band members that worship was not meant to be boring, God wanted us to dance and sing and have fun doing it. And we totally are!!! I love leading kids in worship. I am 100% absolutely, positively doing exactly what I was made to do!
But here's the most important part....I couldn't be, or wouldn't be doing any of this if it weren't for my wonderful husband Dean. He is my biggest fan. He is my encourager. He is a voice straight from heaven for me. God speaks to me through this man all the time, when I don't always listen for myself. He kept pushing me and pushing me until I finally listened and asked Chasity if I could start helping upstairs with our kids ministry. The very first time I was up there, I knew I was in the right place. But I kept fighting it. Saying I didn't want to do stop being part of worship in "big" church. I wanted to stay connected, and be a part. But Dean consistantly said, "but that's not where you are supposed to be". He was always sweet about it, never pushed, but kept encouraging me week after week that I was supposed to be with those kids. And I am exactly where I am supposed to be. My heart for worship with the kids....I can't even explain it. I want our kids to understand what the difference between praising an amazing Lord and worshipping our Heavenly Father. How to let go and just love on our God. Kids aren't scared of what other people think. They have no fear. No inhibitions. They just worship!! I love that God lets me a part of this amazing minstry, with a group of incredible people!!!
Dean....thank you for loving me so much that you continue to push me towards my calling, even if it means you take a backseat in your own calling. You have spent the last 5 years encouraging me and my 3 girls to become all that God made us to be. We couldn't do any of the things we are doing....without having you in our corner every day!! I love you.....more and more every single day! Never stop being you!
I am away this week at Camp Dayspring with my bestie doing what we do best....loving on kiddos!! We are having a blast! I am wore out, but still loving it! We have cooked, cleaned, swept, sweated, feed kids, talked with kids....but the best part for me, is doing worship with these adorable children. I got to be a part of Vertical Worship (our church's youth praise team) this week by doing the motions for worship. These kids are soaking it up!!! They love worshipping the Lord. They were told this week by one of the band members that worship was not meant to be boring, God wanted us to dance and sing and have fun doing it. And we totally are!!! I love leading kids in worship. I am 100% absolutely, positively doing exactly what I was made to do!
But here's the most important part....I couldn't be, or wouldn't be doing any of this if it weren't for my wonderful husband Dean. He is my biggest fan. He is my encourager. He is a voice straight from heaven for me. God speaks to me through this man all the time, when I don't always listen for myself. He kept pushing me and pushing me until I finally listened and asked Chasity if I could start helping upstairs with our kids ministry. The very first time I was up there, I knew I was in the right place. But I kept fighting it. Saying I didn't want to do stop being part of worship in "big" church. I wanted to stay connected, and be a part. But Dean consistantly said, "but that's not where you are supposed to be". He was always sweet about it, never pushed, but kept encouraging me week after week that I was supposed to be with those kids. And I am exactly where I am supposed to be. My heart for worship with the kids....I can't even explain it. I want our kids to understand what the difference between praising an amazing Lord and worshipping our Heavenly Father. How to let go and just love on our God. Kids aren't scared of what other people think. They have no fear. No inhibitions. They just worship!! I love that God lets me a part of this amazing minstry, with a group of incredible people!!!
Dean....thank you for loving me so much that you continue to push me towards my calling, even if it means you take a backseat in your own calling. You have spent the last 5 years encouraging me and my 3 girls to become all that God made us to be. We couldn't do any of the things we are doing....without having you in our corner every day!! I love you.....more and more every single day! Never stop being you!
Monday, June 12, 2017
Lessons from a bicycle (Part 2)
I never thought I would say this, especially about any kind of exercise that involved the outdoors, but I do truly love riding my bike. I like riding sometimes by myself, and sometimes with my sweetheart, and sometimes with friends. But there is something special about riding by yourself, really getting quiet, blocking out the world, and just being in that exact moment. Not thinking about work, or the bathroom that needs painting, or the dishes that need washed, or the lesson I need to study, or the song I need to learn, or the kid that has to take a shower today because she stinks like a boy, or any other squirrel topic that my mind runs to. I can just truly enjoy the ride.
I know I have already written a post very similar to this, but it just really spoke to my heart this morning as I was riding. I was torn between needing to stop and write down some notes before I forgot and not wanting to stop riding on this beautiful morning. Needless to say, I kept riding, finished 10 miles this morning before a lot of the world was awake....but I jotted down my notes as soon as I got back in the car. Honestly, this may become 2 posts, but here we go.....
1. I've been trying to concentrate lately on my cadence, my own personal rhythm on the bike. Notice I didn't say speed, I said rhythm, meaning the way my legs work to spin the pedals. A good friend told me a couple of weeks ago, it wasn't about the speed the bike goes, its about the rhythm of your spin, your cadence. That no matter what hill was ahead, use your bike gears and your body to keep your cadence consistent. Here's the catch....I didn't say I needed to keep up with my sweetie, or my friend, or another rider in the park, or anyone else for that matter. It's MY cadence, and only MY cadence. As a musician, what I tend to do is what ever song is playing in my ears...the beat of that song becomes my cadence for the next 3-4 minutes. It's almost a game to me, to find the beat, and then stick with it, using my gears to be able to better pedal and keep my rhythm going. Think about that with life....there are plenty of cliche sayings that go right along with this....march to the beat to YOUR own drum. Done!
2. Fight through the pain....your reward is coming. For 5 solid weeks my hiney has hurt more than I can explain. Trying to get used to a new bike saddle is no fun. Every time I sit down, I would twinge in pain because there were serious bruises. BUT...I stuck with it, I pushed through, no matter how it hurt, although I may have complained and cried a little even, I kept riding my bike. Today was the first day since I started that it didn't hurt. I was so excited! I almost didn't want to stop at 10 miles!! Here again...big life lesson....we all know it....life isn't always easy. No one ever promised us it would be. But in the end...WE WIN!!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! Look at the back of the book....the devil always loses in the end. So hang in there friend, keep pedaling, keep pushing, keep fighting....your reward, your blessing, your prince charming, your provision, your answer, your peace is coming.
3. My hubby always says to me...eat the elephant one bite at a time. Meaning, don't try to do something all at once, that takes steps to complete. I think I talked before about riding uphill, that I had to focus on the tiny bit of road in front of me, not looking for the crest of the hill. That is still true. But here's the other thing... I don't want to set goals for myself that are so far out there that I can't attain them. Break it up into smaller goals. Eat the elephant one bite at a time! So the greenway that I ride in the mornings, is about a 5 mile loop (of sorts). One end is a huge hill, I don't like to park there, because I don't want my last mile to be totally uphill. So I start about a mile and a half down the path. So I go up the hill first, and then do the rest of the loop. For the last couple of weeks riding there, I finish that first mile in a little over 6 mins. Which I was ok with....but today, I was determined to do it in less than 5 minutes. (Keep in mind, the first week I rode there, my goal was to not get off the bike, now I am trying to go faster up the hill!!!) So I pushed, I pedaled harder, I didn't stop for water at the top, I just kept pedaling as fast as I could....and at the mile mark, the app on my phone said, "total distance 1 mile, total time 5 mins 46 seconds, average speed 10.3 mph". I couldn't believe it!!! As I flew down the hill, my heart soared, I was so proud of myself for doing it. Here's the thing....you can't make your goals too big or too little....challenge yourself, but don't make it so far out of reach that you constantly feel defeated. I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day, and I didn't make that up!
4. This one hit me like a ton of bricks. Sort of goes hand in hand with the goal talk from above... Don't coast too long, you might miss something. When there are hills (in biking or life), once you push through and crest that hill (or struggle) it's easy to just sit back, smile, and coast away. But if I spend half of my work out coasting....and I really exercising anymore?? Same thing in life, if I get in a comfortable spot, and just coast... am I really doing all I can do? For myself? For my family? For my church? For my God? I still have to move and work, and be ready for the next hill that is coming just around the corner.
5. Most days I try to remember to eat something before I go riding...today, I was so excited to get outside I forgot completely. Usually I will grab a banana, or a protein shake, something simple, just to get some fuel in my stomach. Today I could tell that I forgot. It didn't stop me from riding, it just made a few parts a little more difficult, and I was starving by the time I got home. Apply that to life...if you don't fuel your spirit, how can you be all that you can be for the kingdom? I can work every week in the children's ministry, pouring out myself, giving everything I have for Jesus and those kids. But eventually, I will be empty if I am not doing my part to be filled every day too. Fuel your body, fuel your mind, fuel your soul. Eat healthy, learn something every day, be in His Word, pray, attend service with your church family, be in a bible study. Fuel your entire body!
6. Ok, I know this is getting long, but I had to get it all out, and I saved the best story for last. When I ride, even if I have my headphones in, I try to be cordial to everyone. Say good morning, wave, smile, whatever I can. There was this one lady, who would never smile or wave back, ever! She seemed kind of odd to me actually. Always wears a coat and gloves to walk in the park...in the summertime! Odd!! Anyways, when I was riding last Friday, headed towards the big hill of the loop (for the 2nd time), she was walking up the hill. It worried me to death, because I was afraid she would be able to walk up the hill faster than I could pedal. LOL It made me super nervous as I was getting closer. She turned around and saw me coming, and moved a little more to the right side of the path for me. I thought, great, she gets it, its not an easy hill. Well right as I get ready to pass her, she holds up her finger and starts to say something. I almost wrecked trying to stop, pull out my earbuds, and talk to her. She then proceeds to chew me out, says I am supposed to say "on your left" as I pass someone, that it is the rules of the road. I apologized, I thought she saw me, and I told her I thought she was listening to music and wouldn't hear me. She said in response "NO! I have seen you multiple times, and you never say it!" I was completely flabbergasted! I didn't know how to respond really. I was totally caught off guard. So I said ok, and started pedaling again. The entire rest of that ride, I stewed over that lady. I let it distract me. I rode thinking of things I should have said, or could have said to her. I was waiting for the next chance I would get to scream "ON YOUR LEFT!!!!" the next time I passed her. I let it get under my skin. Well, fast forward to this morning. I was hoping I wouldn't run into her. That maybe I had gotten there before she did. Then I saw her up ahead, in that crazy coat again! Plenty ahead of time, before I passed her, I politely said "on your left", she scooted over a little, and I kept on riding. No harm, no foul. I continued my ride for about 15 more minutes before I saw her again, this time we were headed towards each other face to face. As I got closer, for the first time, she smiled and waved at me. As I passed her, it hit me...I don't know what she goes through on a daily basis, I don't know her at all. That little encounter might have made her day. The fact that she said something and someone listened to her and tried what she said....made her smile. And all I had to do was say "on your left".....now, all I have to say is apply that to life!! Do something simple that could make someone's day!!!
Love yall....thanks for letting me ramble!
I know I have already written a post very similar to this, but it just really spoke to my heart this morning as I was riding. I was torn between needing to stop and write down some notes before I forgot and not wanting to stop riding on this beautiful morning. Needless to say, I kept riding, finished 10 miles this morning before a lot of the world was awake....but I jotted down my notes as soon as I got back in the car. Honestly, this may become 2 posts, but here we go.....
1. I've been trying to concentrate lately on my cadence, my own personal rhythm on the bike. Notice I didn't say speed, I said rhythm, meaning the way my legs work to spin the pedals. A good friend told me a couple of weeks ago, it wasn't about the speed the bike goes, its about the rhythm of your spin, your cadence. That no matter what hill was ahead, use your bike gears and your body to keep your cadence consistent. Here's the catch....I didn't say I needed to keep up with my sweetie, or my friend, or another rider in the park, or anyone else for that matter. It's MY cadence, and only MY cadence. As a musician, what I tend to do is what ever song is playing in my ears...the beat of that song becomes my cadence for the next 3-4 minutes. It's almost a game to me, to find the beat, and then stick with it, using my gears to be able to better pedal and keep my rhythm going. Think about that with life....there are plenty of cliche sayings that go right along with this....march to the beat to YOUR own drum. Done!
2. Fight through the pain....your reward is coming. For 5 solid weeks my hiney has hurt more than I can explain. Trying to get used to a new bike saddle is no fun. Every time I sit down, I would twinge in pain because there were serious bruises. BUT...I stuck with it, I pushed through, no matter how it hurt, although I may have complained and cried a little even, I kept riding my bike. Today was the first day since I started that it didn't hurt. I was so excited! I almost didn't want to stop at 10 miles!! Here again...big life lesson....we all know it....life isn't always easy. No one ever promised us it would be. But in the end...WE WIN!!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! Look at the back of the book....the devil always loses in the end. So hang in there friend, keep pedaling, keep pushing, keep fighting....your reward, your blessing, your prince charming, your provision, your answer, your peace is coming.
3. My hubby always says to me...eat the elephant one bite at a time. Meaning, don't try to do something all at once, that takes steps to complete. I think I talked before about riding uphill, that I had to focus on the tiny bit of road in front of me, not looking for the crest of the hill. That is still true. But here's the other thing... I don't want to set goals for myself that are so far out there that I can't attain them. Break it up into smaller goals. Eat the elephant one bite at a time! So the greenway that I ride in the mornings, is about a 5 mile loop (of sorts). One end is a huge hill, I don't like to park there, because I don't want my last mile to be totally uphill. So I start about a mile and a half down the path. So I go up the hill first, and then do the rest of the loop. For the last couple of weeks riding there, I finish that first mile in a little over 6 mins. Which I was ok with....but today, I was determined to do it in less than 5 minutes. (Keep in mind, the first week I rode there, my goal was to not get off the bike, now I am trying to go faster up the hill!!!) So I pushed, I pedaled harder, I didn't stop for water at the top, I just kept pedaling as fast as I could....and at the mile mark, the app on my phone said, "total distance 1 mile, total time 5 mins 46 seconds, average speed 10.3 mph". I couldn't believe it!!! As I flew down the hill, my heart soared, I was so proud of myself for doing it. Here's the thing....you can't make your goals too big or too little....challenge yourself, but don't make it so far out of reach that you constantly feel defeated. I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day, and I didn't make that up!
4. This one hit me like a ton of bricks. Sort of goes hand in hand with the goal talk from above... Don't coast too long, you might miss something. When there are hills (in biking or life), once you push through and crest that hill (or struggle) it's easy to just sit back, smile, and coast away. But if I spend half of my work out coasting....and I really exercising anymore?? Same thing in life, if I get in a comfortable spot, and just coast... am I really doing all I can do? For myself? For my family? For my church? For my God? I still have to move and work, and be ready for the next hill that is coming just around the corner.
5. Most days I try to remember to eat something before I go riding...today, I was so excited to get outside I forgot completely. Usually I will grab a banana, or a protein shake, something simple, just to get some fuel in my stomach. Today I could tell that I forgot. It didn't stop me from riding, it just made a few parts a little more difficult, and I was starving by the time I got home. Apply that to life...if you don't fuel your spirit, how can you be all that you can be for the kingdom? I can work every week in the children's ministry, pouring out myself, giving everything I have for Jesus and those kids. But eventually, I will be empty if I am not doing my part to be filled every day too. Fuel your body, fuel your mind, fuel your soul. Eat healthy, learn something every day, be in His Word, pray, attend service with your church family, be in a bible study. Fuel your entire body!
6. Ok, I know this is getting long, but I had to get it all out, and I saved the best story for last. When I ride, even if I have my headphones in, I try to be cordial to everyone. Say good morning, wave, smile, whatever I can. There was this one lady, who would never smile or wave back, ever! She seemed kind of odd to me actually. Always wears a coat and gloves to walk in the park...in the summertime! Odd!! Anyways, when I was riding last Friday, headed towards the big hill of the loop (for the 2nd time), she was walking up the hill. It worried me to death, because I was afraid she would be able to walk up the hill faster than I could pedal. LOL It made me super nervous as I was getting closer. She turned around and saw me coming, and moved a little more to the right side of the path for me. I thought, great, she gets it, its not an easy hill. Well right as I get ready to pass her, she holds up her finger and starts to say something. I almost wrecked trying to stop, pull out my earbuds, and talk to her. She then proceeds to chew me out, says I am supposed to say "on your left" as I pass someone, that it is the rules of the road. I apologized, I thought she saw me, and I told her I thought she was listening to music and wouldn't hear me. She said in response "NO! I have seen you multiple times, and you never say it!" I was completely flabbergasted! I didn't know how to respond really. I was totally caught off guard. So I said ok, and started pedaling again. The entire rest of that ride, I stewed over that lady. I let it distract me. I rode thinking of things I should have said, or could have said to her. I was waiting for the next chance I would get to scream "ON YOUR LEFT!!!!" the next time I passed her. I let it get under my skin. Well, fast forward to this morning. I was hoping I wouldn't run into her. That maybe I had gotten there before she did. Then I saw her up ahead, in that crazy coat again! Plenty ahead of time, before I passed her, I politely said "on your left", she scooted over a little, and I kept on riding. No harm, no foul. I continued my ride for about 15 more minutes before I saw her again, this time we were headed towards each other face to face. As I got closer, for the first time, she smiled and waved at me. As I passed her, it hit me...I don't know what she goes through on a daily basis, I don't know her at all. That little encounter might have made her day. The fact that she said something and someone listened to her and tried what she said....made her smile. And all I had to do was say "on your left".....now, all I have to say is apply that to life!! Do something simple that could make someone's day!!!
Love yall....thanks for letting me ramble!
Sunday, June 4, 2017
My Mind is a Whirlwind
Tonight Dean and I sat down and watched the movie The Shack. We had both read the book, so we sort of knew what to expect...but still. I was in a much different place when I read it, and so I was very interested to see how the story affected me now. Many many many things caught me off guard tonight that I didn't expect to affect me the way it did. I will probably write about quite a few of them this week, I need to mull them over a little more. I actually took notes while watching the movie!! LOL!!
But the idea that struck me most in the movie, linked to what I talked about with the kids in KidsTime this morning too. In KidsTime we talked about the story of Moses being sent down the river in a basket by his mother to save his life. We talked about how she had limited time and opportunity to influence this child for God. We applied that to our lives by talking about how to share your story with others. I spoke about them having limited time to share with some people. For example, with summer coming, this may be the last time they see some of their friends. We talked about knowing your audience. For someone to be truly influenced by what you have to say, they have to see that you care about who they are and what they are going through. Lastly, we talked about finding the opportunity. To pay attention, and listen, and know how to respond. The main point I tried my best to explain this morning was to share their story, all they needed to do was tell people who God was to them, what He had done in their lives. So I asked the kids....if someone said to you today, "who is God to you?", what would you say? They gave some amazing answers! Really blew my mind. We discussed how even though God was one thing to one person, He could still be something completely different to someone else at the exact same time. He was exactly what we needed when we need it.
Then comes this movie.... Abigail watched it with us. We had to pause occasionally to explain some things to her. One of the big ones was why God The Father was a big happy black women in the beginning, and then an aging Asian man later in the story. I tried to relate it to our lesson, and explain to her that God had to be who Mac needed in that exact moment, and that it could be different every moment, or the same. That He loved him so much, He wanted to do whatever He could to make it easier for Mac to truly hear what He had to say.
Then I started thinking....how would I answer that question that I posed to the kids this morning? Who is God to me? Honestly....I'm not sure right now. I need more. But I don't know what I need or expect from Him at this point in my life. I trust Him, I believe, I have faith...but do I depend on Him? Do I allow him to be Papa? Do I talk with Him like I truly care for Him and want to spend time with Him? Do I completely let Him into my life? Can I say that I give Him full control?
This movie has really wrecked me tonight. Brought up lots of good things, as well as lots of bad. I have a lot of digging to do this week to decide how I feel about a lot of things. I have to say, if you have not seen it yet, you need to. But be sure to grab some kleenex first.....you're going to need them!!!
More to come.....
But the idea that struck me most in the movie, linked to what I talked about with the kids in KidsTime this morning too. In KidsTime we talked about the story of Moses being sent down the river in a basket by his mother to save his life. We talked about how she had limited time and opportunity to influence this child for God. We applied that to our lives by talking about how to share your story with others. I spoke about them having limited time to share with some people. For example, with summer coming, this may be the last time they see some of their friends. We talked about knowing your audience. For someone to be truly influenced by what you have to say, they have to see that you care about who they are and what they are going through. Lastly, we talked about finding the opportunity. To pay attention, and listen, and know how to respond. The main point I tried my best to explain this morning was to share their story, all they needed to do was tell people who God was to them, what He had done in their lives. So I asked the kids....if someone said to you today, "who is God to you?", what would you say? They gave some amazing answers! Really blew my mind. We discussed how even though God was one thing to one person, He could still be something completely different to someone else at the exact same time. He was exactly what we needed when we need it.
Then comes this movie.... Abigail watched it with us. We had to pause occasionally to explain some things to her. One of the big ones was why God The Father was a big happy black women in the beginning, and then an aging Asian man later in the story. I tried to relate it to our lesson, and explain to her that God had to be who Mac needed in that exact moment, and that it could be different every moment, or the same. That He loved him so much, He wanted to do whatever He could to make it easier for Mac to truly hear what He had to say.
Then I started thinking....how would I answer that question that I posed to the kids this morning? Who is God to me? Honestly....I'm not sure right now. I need more. But I don't know what I need or expect from Him at this point in my life. I trust Him, I believe, I have faith...but do I depend on Him? Do I allow him to be Papa? Do I talk with Him like I truly care for Him and want to spend time with Him? Do I completely let Him into my life? Can I say that I give Him full control?
This movie has really wrecked me tonight. Brought up lots of good things, as well as lots of bad. I have a lot of digging to do this week to decide how I feel about a lot of things. I have to say, if you have not seen it yet, you need to. But be sure to grab some kleenex first.....you're going to need them!!!
More to come.....
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
I need to stop being a squirrel
If you have spent more than 5 minutes with me you know I have the attention span of a gnat. It is not out of meanness, or anything like that, I want to listen, I want to be engaged, but my mind races all day every day. It's like a constant game of pinball in there. (For those born after 1980 out there, google it, it was a game before Nintendo came into the world. lol) Anyways, thoughts are constantly reeling through my mind..I gotta do this, I need to go there, I'm hungry, I really should go to the grocery store, I need to send so and so a card, Abigail needs a bathing suit, I should wash our sheets today, oh the dog needs a bath, what is our lesson on this week for KidsTime, I need to text Chasity about that, what time do I need to be at the school today, that's a new blog idea, **Insert random 80s one hit wonder song lyrics here for no good reason**, I want to make meatloaf this week, I have to remember to buy sunscreen this week, a new card making idea, wow look at that on ebay, I wonder what Dean is doing right now, I need to be sure and watch the new Once Upon a Time later....this is just a sampling. And the craziest part....that is only about 30 seconds worth. I can't slow it down. It is just how my brain works, how I was built, I am 100 mph all over the place all the time. To add insult to injury I'm a planner too. There are usually about 10 lists going on at the same time in my head. At least 4 notebooks within arm's distance at any given moment. (Sorry honey...I still prefer paper rather than my phone!) I just go, go, go all the time.
I struggle ALOT to rest. To slow down enough for my mind to stop, even for a few minutes. It's so bad, that if I get up in the middle of the night to tinkle (which I do about 3 times a night!!) I keep my eyes closed, don't turn on any lights, stagger to the bathroom, and do everything I can to stay half way in a state of slumber, and then go right back to the same position I just left in the bed. Because if I get the slightest bit awake....the pinball game awakens in my head, and sleepy time is all over. I think I have said it before, that God allows something big to happen to me (back surgery, the flu, biggest baddest stomach bug ever) so that I will actually stop and sit down for a few days in a row. Honestly, I think there is another one coming real soon.....just feel it. You would think that I would learn my lesson....but I'm hard headed too. LOL!!
I say all of this to give you some back story before my main point tonight.... I need a true encounter with God. A Holy Ghost gets a hold of me and won't let go until I am face down on the floor crying like a baby kind of encounter. I just need to be overwhelmed with His presence. I know many of you out there are saying, well just stop, get quiet, and ask Him for it. Did you not read the first 2 paragraphs??? I don't do that!!! Unfortunately I need it to be in a group setting so I can really focus in on that type of environment. At home, there's too much distraction....phones dinging, kids talking, dog barking, TVs blaring, music from the bathroom playing, neighbors shooting off canons (yes, that is for real!), washing machines running....just TOO much all around. I need an encounter with God. Don't get me wrong, I know He is with me, He has given me little tidbits here and there lately, but I need more. I feel emptied out right now. I need to be filled again. I'm not burnt out, or tired of what I do, or needing a break, or anything like that (don't freak out Chasity!), I just need to be filled to overflow.
On my way home from the store tonight, I turned my favorite quiet time song on in the car. "A Little Longer" by Bethel. Dean has always said this is sort of my theme song. If you have never heard it, go find it on YouTube, you won't regret it. The basic gist of the song is the lady asks God what else can she do for Him, that no matter what she does, it doesn't ever seem like enough. That's me! I do and do and do, and I love it that way, I honestly do. I don't think God would begrudge me that. I love serving, helping, being creative, I do. But the second half of the song is God's response to her busy-ness (MY busy-ness!) The song says "I hear you say you don't have to do a thing, simply be with me and let those things go. They can wait another minute. Wait. This moment is too sweet. Please stay here with me and love on me a little longer 'cause I'm in love with you." THAT'S what I need....THAT kind of moment. To just stop the world from spinning, and BE with Him, feel His spirit with me. I don't need some big prophecy, or word from God, I just need an encounter, a moment of quiet with Him.
I'm not sure yet how or when....but I know without a doubt I need an encounter with my God. It's time for MORE LORD!
I struggle ALOT to rest. To slow down enough for my mind to stop, even for a few minutes. It's so bad, that if I get up in the middle of the night to tinkle (which I do about 3 times a night!!) I keep my eyes closed, don't turn on any lights, stagger to the bathroom, and do everything I can to stay half way in a state of slumber, and then go right back to the same position I just left in the bed. Because if I get the slightest bit awake....the pinball game awakens in my head, and sleepy time is all over. I think I have said it before, that God allows something big to happen to me (back surgery, the flu, biggest baddest stomach bug ever) so that I will actually stop and sit down for a few days in a row. Honestly, I think there is another one coming real soon.....just feel it. You would think that I would learn my lesson....but I'm hard headed too. LOL!!
I say all of this to give you some back story before my main point tonight.... I need a true encounter with God. A Holy Ghost gets a hold of me and won't let go until I am face down on the floor crying like a baby kind of encounter. I just need to be overwhelmed with His presence. I know many of you out there are saying, well just stop, get quiet, and ask Him for it. Did you not read the first 2 paragraphs??? I don't do that!!! Unfortunately I need it to be in a group setting so I can really focus in on that type of environment. At home, there's too much distraction....phones dinging, kids talking, dog barking, TVs blaring, music from the bathroom playing, neighbors shooting off canons (yes, that is for real!), washing machines running....just TOO much all around. I need an encounter with God. Don't get me wrong, I know He is with me, He has given me little tidbits here and there lately, but I need more. I feel emptied out right now. I need to be filled again. I'm not burnt out, or tired of what I do, or needing a break, or anything like that (don't freak out Chasity!), I just need to be filled to overflow.
On my way home from the store tonight, I turned my favorite quiet time song on in the car. "A Little Longer" by Bethel. Dean has always said this is sort of my theme song. If you have never heard it, go find it on YouTube, you won't regret it. The basic gist of the song is the lady asks God what else can she do for Him, that no matter what she does, it doesn't ever seem like enough. That's me! I do and do and do, and I love it that way, I honestly do. I don't think God would begrudge me that. I love serving, helping, being creative, I do. But the second half of the song is God's response to her busy-ness (MY busy-ness!) The song says "I hear you say you don't have to do a thing, simply be with me and let those things go. They can wait another minute. Wait. This moment is too sweet. Please stay here with me and love on me a little longer 'cause I'm in love with you." THAT'S what I need....THAT kind of moment. To just stop the world from spinning, and BE with Him, feel His spirit with me. I don't need some big prophecy, or word from God, I just need an encounter, a moment of quiet with Him.
I'm not sure yet how or when....but I know without a doubt I need an encounter with my God. It's time for MORE LORD!
Monday, May 29, 2017
Lower Your Expectations of the World
A couple of weeks ago pastor said something in a message that sort of stuck in my craw. He said we needed to lower our expectations on our spouse, and raise our expectations of our Mighty God. I wasn't sure how I felt about that one. I didn't necessarily disagree, but I didn't agree either. I had to chew on it for a while. I mean, I do think that sometimes I don't depend on God enough for things. That to me, some things seem too small to bother God with. So, I was kind of on board with the raising the expectations there. But why did I have to lower what I expected from my spouse? How was that fair?
Then it hit me.... I have to lower my expectations of my spouse for one big reason...because he's not me! I can't expect him to think like me, or act like me, or believe like me, or want things like me, or feel like me, or see things like me, do things like me....because HE IS NOT ME! Men and women were not created to be the same. We were created to be helpmates, not the carbon copies of each other! We should compliment each other. Pick up where the other leaves off. Be good at things that they may not be. I can't get mad at him for not doing things the way I would. Honestly, it just causes unnecessary strife.
Dean and I understand this concept pretty well for the most part. You have to pick and choose your battles in any relationship, especially a marriage. There are SOOOOOO many things not worth arguing over, but so many couple do every day. I have worked very hard to just let things go. It was a struggle for me. Ok, here's something you may not know about me....I have control issues! LOL If you know me at all, you know I have control issues. I like doing it all myself. I have had to learn to let Dean help me, to take over some things, and to do things his way. It's honestly a daily struggle sometimes. I have to CHOOSE to let go, and let him help me. About a year after we got married, I had to have back surgery. It literally knocked me on my butt. I had no choice but to sit down and stay down, for quite a while. It was HARD for me, no joke! God used that time to really show me how to truly depend on my sweet spouse. I didn't have a choice. I honestly believe God designed it that way. He used that season to teach me to let go. But not only to let go, and let Dean help me. But to also be ok if he did it differently. If he didn't do things in the order I would have. Or he let Abigail go to school with mismatched clothes on. Or if he didn't cook things for dinner the way I would have. Or he let the girls eat pizza for breakfast. I had to see that just because he didn't do things the way that I would....didn't mean it was wrong.
Here's the crazy part of all of this... this idea applies to so many other people too....my kids, my coworkers, my boss, my parents, people in general....none of them are me!!
Lower your expectations of the people around you....raise the expectations of your God....and live a more peaceful life!
Then it hit me.... I have to lower my expectations of my spouse for one big reason...because he's not me! I can't expect him to think like me, or act like me, or believe like me, or want things like me, or feel like me, or see things like me, do things like me....because HE IS NOT ME! Men and women were not created to be the same. We were created to be helpmates, not the carbon copies of each other! We should compliment each other. Pick up where the other leaves off. Be good at things that they may not be. I can't get mad at him for not doing things the way I would. Honestly, it just causes unnecessary strife.
Dean and I understand this concept pretty well for the most part. You have to pick and choose your battles in any relationship, especially a marriage. There are SOOOOOO many things not worth arguing over, but so many couple do every day. I have worked very hard to just let things go. It was a struggle for me. Ok, here's something you may not know about me....I have control issues! LOL If you know me at all, you know I have control issues. I like doing it all myself. I have had to learn to let Dean help me, to take over some things, and to do things his way. It's honestly a daily struggle sometimes. I have to CHOOSE to let go, and let him help me. About a year after we got married, I had to have back surgery. It literally knocked me on my butt. I had no choice but to sit down and stay down, for quite a while. It was HARD for me, no joke! God used that time to really show me how to truly depend on my sweet spouse. I didn't have a choice. I honestly believe God designed it that way. He used that season to teach me to let go. But not only to let go, and let Dean help me. But to also be ok if he did it differently. If he didn't do things in the order I would have. Or he let Abigail go to school with mismatched clothes on. Or if he didn't cook things for dinner the way I would have. Or he let the girls eat pizza for breakfast. I had to see that just because he didn't do things the way that I would....didn't mean it was wrong.
Here's the crazy part of all of this... this idea applies to so many other people too....my kids, my coworkers, my boss, my parents, people in general....none of them are me!!
Lower your expectations of the people around you....raise the expectations of your God....and live a more peaceful life!
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
I want to ride my bicycle....
So as many of you have seen on facebook, I am quickly becoming addicted to riding a bicycle. It is TOTALLY a new found sanctuary for me. It's so peaceful, and quiet, and beautiful!! I like biking with Dean, having a hobby we can share is amazing! I totally understand his desire to ride, I really never thought I would. He said all along that I had to find an exercise that I enjoyed, not just tolerated, and he was right. (Dean, write the date down, I said you were right this once! LOL) Anyways, I do love riding with my hushpuppy....but I love riding alone ALOT!!! There are quite a few things I have learned this week from riding my bike. I could not help but see the similarities that God was screaming at me! So I decided I had to share.....
1. You want different results you HAVE to be willing to try different things.
Seems simple enough, right?? But we all do it! My weight loss has been at a plateau for a while, and it was beginning to frustrate me. But I was doing the same old same old every day!! Eating the same things, doing the same exercises at the gym. I finally realized it was time to challenge myself, to push myself to a new level.
We whine and complete because nothing is changing, but we are not willing to change the things we do every day. I heard LONG ago, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I eat popcorn and caramel M&Ms everyday (hey...no judgement!!), but get mad because I am not losing any more weight...or if I never change the oil in my car, and it stalls out on me on the interstate....I forget everyday to water my vegetable garden but can't figure out why nothing is growing...or my kids misbehave everyday because I don't take the time and effort to discipline them...or I don't take the time to invest in growing my marriage and I see my husband ooggling over a women at work....if I am not willing to change myself and my actions, I can't be mad at anyone but myself.
1. You want different results you HAVE to be willing to try different things.
Seems simple enough, right?? But we all do it! My weight loss has been at a plateau for a while, and it was beginning to frustrate me. But I was doing the same old same old every day!! Eating the same things, doing the same exercises at the gym. I finally realized it was time to challenge myself, to push myself to a new level.
We whine and complete because nothing is changing, but we are not willing to change the things we do every day. I heard LONG ago, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I eat popcorn and caramel M&Ms everyday (hey...no judgement!!), but get mad because I am not losing any more weight...or if I never change the oil in my car, and it stalls out on me on the interstate....I forget everyday to water my vegetable garden but can't figure out why nothing is growing...or my kids misbehave everyday because I don't take the time and effort to discipline them...or I don't take the time to invest in growing my marriage and I see my husband ooggling over a women at work....if I am not willing to change myself and my actions, I can't be mad at anyone but myself.
2. Make small changes for BIG results
On a bicycle the smallest adjustment to the seat, or what you wear, or where you ride...all completely change the experience. Shifting the angle of the seat the slightest millimeter can make all the difference! Wearing bicycle gloves can SAVE your palms!!! Padded shorts are a GOD SENT!!! LOL
Apply that to life....spend 5 more mins a day in the word, or 5 more mins a day in prayer and see how it changes your spiritual life. Take a Friday night and take your spouse on a date, just the 2 of you, somewhere without kids, and without cell phones and watch your relationship explode! How much effort does it really take to start the snowball rolling? What kind of teeny tiny peeble makes HUGE ripples in the water?
3. Don't look at the top of the hill, look at the 2 feet in foot of you
The first time I tried to ride up a pretty decent sized hill, I kept staring way off in the distance at the top of the hill. I thought I would NEVER get to the top. And you know what...I never did!! I stopped and walked my bike up the hill. I was so disappointed in myself, so discouraged. Dean of course was great, told me not to stress about it, that really soon that hill would seem like nothing to me. Well, a few days later I decided to ride that same hill on a ride myself, I was not going to be defeated by a silly hill. So I tried to get a running start to the hill first. (Make a plan, get prepared, start at the beginning and work toward the top) Then when the hill started, I put my head and down and pushed myself! (That's a word right there!!! Put your head down and FOCUS, look at nothing else. Don't let the devil distract you off your path.) I watched only the 2 feet in the front of the bike. Not the 100 feet straight up in front of me!! Take it one little step at a time. Eat the elephant one bite at a time.
4. Take time to soak it all in
I don't want to ride so fast and so hard that I don't see the beauty all around me. I want to see the trees, to smell the honeysuckle, the feel the breeze on my face, to soak in the praise music in my ears, to hear God's little whisper. I need to slow down and smell the roses!! Seriously!! I have a REAAAAALLLLYYYYY hard time slowing down, stopping my brain, and resting. I go go go ALL THE TIME!!! I don't know how to be any different. I'm just not made that way. Dean is constantly trying to get my to rest. Sometimes, my body makes me rest, even when I don't really want to. I am trying to retrain myself to slow down and enjoy things. To not be in a constant state of frustration and being overwhelmed, especially when it is typically my own doing!
I hope and pray that as I continue to ride....He will continue to speak!
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
20 things you may not know about me
As I sat here trying to think of something to write, I realized I was trying to think of something to be sad about, or rant about, or be angry about, or dwell on....so I'm not doing that tonight. I am purposefully trying to go off that track, we will see where this goes.
So here are 20 things you may not know about me....
1. I have played cello since 6th grade. Growing up I wanted to be a member of the disney orchestra, meaning the orchestra that played all the background music for all the movies. For some reason I thought that was better than any other playing gig.
2. As a middle schooler my nickname was Lizard...that's all you get, no explanation. LOL!!
3. I have visited probably 40 out of 50 states.
4. I have never flown over water before...not sure when I will either...scares the heck out of me.
5. I still don't like my closet door open at night, because of watching Poltergeist as a kid.
6. The summer after 4th grade, I don't think I took my roller skates off all summer.
7. I have visited the largest Mcdonalds in the world. At least at the time it was, in Barstow CA. It was made from 7 cabooses.
8. I hate Dennys...bad childhood memories.
9. My playlist is very eclectic... including Yancy Ministries, The Piano Guys, Pentatonix, Bella and the Flecktones, The Violent Femmes, Sugarland, Missy Elliott, Yo Yo Ma, Flo Rida, Justin Timberlake, Bethel, Jesus Culture, Vertical Worship, Israel, Glee cast, and much more!
10. I went to Applachian State as a music education major but didn't finish...I never felt qualified/ready to actually teach. I am a firm believe that teaching is a true calling, that you shouldn't do it unless you are 100% sure. When my sister was in 3rd grade, she needed help with long division and I couldn't figure out a way to explain it to an 8 yr old. That scared me to death! One of the main reasons I quit school.
11. Speaking of sister....I locked her in my cello case once.
12. As a kid, my cousin and I spent the summers playing News Show. We made up stories and hosted our own TV news show. EVERYTHING that happened became a story for the news. I remember a particular one from a restaurant about a vanilla mountain that was melting into the chocolate sea around it.
13. I believe my brain has blocked out lots of childhood memories to shield me from the pain of it all.
14. I was born on Christmas Eve. My mom always said she had nasty hospital mac and cheese that Christmas because of me. I also came home from the hospital in a Christmas Stocking.
15. I love to craft! All kinds of crafts! But the one thing I can't seem to figure out is knitting or crocheting, and it makes me nuts that I can't!
16. Silly things that I love terribly... caramel M&Ms (new found love, if you haven't tried them you are missing out), Necco wafers candy, Big Red soda (near impossible to find these days), socks, owls and bees (but not real ones, just silly girlie ones), pinterest, reality TV (not the stupid ones though like The Kardashians or Jersey Shore...the competition ones like Survivor, Amazing Race, Top Chef, The NExt HGTV Star and such), chapstick (HUGE addiction!!), and a huge collection of coffee creamers (my cofffee is more sugar and cream than coffee most days).
17. My husband and I got married 6 weeks after our first day. And if you ask either of us, we waited too long. We just knew. After our first date, I prayed over and over, if this is right Lord tell him, please tell him. I was in a very dry place, had been angry with God for a while, I was afraid I wouldn't hear His voice. But luckily we both did, loud and clear.
18. I love to cook, but hate to bake. I don't like the science of it. I like mixing what I want, and flying by the seat of my pants with cooking. Which is crazy because I am the biggest planner/list maker that I know in every other area of my life.
19. One of the awesomest times I have ever had with the Lord was laughing uncontrollably in the Holy Ghost. He got a hold of me, and wouldn't stop. He knew I needed to let go, to not be in charge, to just relax, and enjoy the moment. I believe with all my heart that sometimes the Lord knocks me on my behind because that is the only time I will stop and rest. (But that is a WHOLE other blog post.)
20. I am totally in love with my life. Is it perfect....no, but it is pretty stinkin' wonderful. I am completely head over heels in love with my husband, who treats me like his queen every single day. I have 4 wonderful children who make me laugh, smile, cry, and scream every day, sometimes all in the same day. I get to serve at the most amazing church with the most incredible team teaching the most fabulous kids on the planet. I LOVE WHAT I GET TO DO!!!! Combining music and kids for me has always been where I was supposed to be, I just had to wait on His timing.
Oh you know what here is one extra one that I couldn't leave out....
21. I was saved and baptized at the age of 19, when I was in college. The Saturday before my baptism on Sunday I sprained my knee playing kick ball in the church yard. The doctor said I would have been better off if I had broken it. I was in a splint thing for over 8 weeks. Anyways, I have always said that was the devil trying to get me off my path way back then! But he didn't succeed then....and I am still fighting him today. His whispers haunt me daily....but I always try to remind myself that is just because I scare him so!
So here are 20 things you may not know about me....
1. I have played cello since 6th grade. Growing up I wanted to be a member of the disney orchestra, meaning the orchestra that played all the background music for all the movies. For some reason I thought that was better than any other playing gig.
2. As a middle schooler my nickname was Lizard...that's all you get, no explanation. LOL!!
3. I have visited probably 40 out of 50 states.
4. I have never flown over water before...not sure when I will either...scares the heck out of me.
5. I still don't like my closet door open at night, because of watching Poltergeist as a kid.
6. The summer after 4th grade, I don't think I took my roller skates off all summer.
7. I have visited the largest Mcdonalds in the world. At least at the time it was, in Barstow CA. It was made from 7 cabooses.
8. I hate Dennys...bad childhood memories.
9. My playlist is very eclectic... including Yancy Ministries, The Piano Guys, Pentatonix, Bella and the Flecktones, The Violent Femmes, Sugarland, Missy Elliott, Yo Yo Ma, Flo Rida, Justin Timberlake, Bethel, Jesus Culture, Vertical Worship, Israel, Glee cast, and much more!
10. I went to Applachian State as a music education major but didn't finish...I never felt qualified/ready to actually teach. I am a firm believe that teaching is a true calling, that you shouldn't do it unless you are 100% sure. When my sister was in 3rd grade, she needed help with long division and I couldn't figure out a way to explain it to an 8 yr old. That scared me to death! One of the main reasons I quit school.
11. Speaking of sister....I locked her in my cello case once.
12. As a kid, my cousin and I spent the summers playing News Show. We made up stories and hosted our own TV news show. EVERYTHING that happened became a story for the news. I remember a particular one from a restaurant about a vanilla mountain that was melting into the chocolate sea around it.
13. I believe my brain has blocked out lots of childhood memories to shield me from the pain of it all.
14. I was born on Christmas Eve. My mom always said she had nasty hospital mac and cheese that Christmas because of me. I also came home from the hospital in a Christmas Stocking.
15. I love to craft! All kinds of crafts! But the one thing I can't seem to figure out is knitting or crocheting, and it makes me nuts that I can't!
16. Silly things that I love terribly... caramel M&Ms (new found love, if you haven't tried them you are missing out), Necco wafers candy, Big Red soda (near impossible to find these days), socks, owls and bees (but not real ones, just silly girlie ones), pinterest, reality TV (not the stupid ones though like The Kardashians or Jersey Shore...the competition ones like Survivor, Amazing Race, Top Chef, The NExt HGTV Star and such), chapstick (HUGE addiction!!), and a huge collection of coffee creamers (my cofffee is more sugar and cream than coffee most days).
17. My husband and I got married 6 weeks after our first day. And if you ask either of us, we waited too long. We just knew. After our first date, I prayed over and over, if this is right Lord tell him, please tell him. I was in a very dry place, had been angry with God for a while, I was afraid I wouldn't hear His voice. But luckily we both did, loud and clear.
18. I love to cook, but hate to bake. I don't like the science of it. I like mixing what I want, and flying by the seat of my pants with cooking. Which is crazy because I am the biggest planner/list maker that I know in every other area of my life.
19. One of the awesomest times I have ever had with the Lord was laughing uncontrollably in the Holy Ghost. He got a hold of me, and wouldn't stop. He knew I needed to let go, to not be in charge, to just relax, and enjoy the moment. I believe with all my heart that sometimes the Lord knocks me on my behind because that is the only time I will stop and rest. (But that is a WHOLE other blog post.)
20. I am totally in love with my life. Is it perfect....no, but it is pretty stinkin' wonderful. I am completely head over heels in love with my husband, who treats me like his queen every single day. I have 4 wonderful children who make me laugh, smile, cry, and scream every day, sometimes all in the same day. I get to serve at the most amazing church with the most incredible team teaching the most fabulous kids on the planet. I LOVE WHAT I GET TO DO!!!! Combining music and kids for me has always been where I was supposed to be, I just had to wait on His timing.
Oh you know what here is one extra one that I couldn't leave out....
21. I was saved and baptized at the age of 19, when I was in college. The Saturday before my baptism on Sunday I sprained my knee playing kick ball in the church yard. The doctor said I would have been better off if I had broken it. I was in a splint thing for over 8 weeks. Anyways, I have always said that was the devil trying to get me off my path way back then! But he didn't succeed then....and I am still fighting him today. His whispers haunt me daily....but I always try to remind myself that is just because I scare him so!
Sunday, May 7, 2017
I love Jesus...but I cuss a little!
Everyone is talking lately about being real, about getting down and dirty, and sharing our hearts with everyone....I believe that is exactly what this world needs. These are dark times, people are hurting. I can't even imagine all the things people are dealing with on a daily basis. They need something more! People need people. They need real relationships. They need people to tell them the truth, not throw bible verses and church-ese at them. They need open and honest hearts that are willing to live life with them. To walk with them through the every day things, dealing with kids, husbands, work, cooking dinner, crying alone at night, aging parents, grumpy neighbors, hating the gym, finding their purpose....the big and the little things. We need to get down in the trenches and truly be their friend.
Understand me here....I didn't say to sugar coat things, and tell them everything is going to be ok. I said to tell them TRUTH! Does life suck sometimes....yes....but there is MORE!! There are choices that can be made to change things. People that are willing to be a real part of their life, and stand there with them, and walk through ALL the crap together.
But it has to start by us to stop hiding behind our Christianity, stop hiding behind the title of Christian. I am still human like everyone else...I am a woman, wife, mother, hard worker, overly sensitive, insanely creative, loving, scared human. I still deal with STUFF everyday. Being a Christian does not make me perfect. Like I said, I love Jesus but I cuss a little. I get angry, and yell at the kids. I get upset, and cry for no reason. I make wrong decisions. I do bad things. I do not live a perfect life. Do I try? Yes. But I don't always succeed, and that is completely OK! At least I tried. Each day is a new day, a new time to try again, to do better, to learn from what went wrong yesterday.
I used to say that I wore a lot of masks....that there was a work Libby, an at home Libby, a church Libby....that I was who I was supposed to be at each separate place. No one ever knew the pain I was in, the struggles I went through each and every day, because I NEVER let it show. Not to my best friends, my mother, my children, my pastors, no one knew how much my heart hurt. I became very good at hiding it behind a mask. Everyone thought I had it all together. I was dying on the inside, and no one knew because I wouldn't let them see. That is exactly why I refuse to be that kind of friend to other people now. I want people to see that I am 100% real, definitely not perfect, and that I am approachable, and they can come to me with anything, no judgement, just a heart wanting to help in any way I can.
I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I went through all that I went through for a reason. I have to believe that, otherwise I can't handle the pain of the past. A missing manipulative waste of skin for a father, a destructive first half of my life longing for the attention of any man that would look my way that I regret horribly, an abusive demeaning 12 year marriage to a monster that I still worry every day that it broke my girls hearts so much that it can't be mended and haunts them still to this day, thinking still that I waited too long to get us out of that situation, that if I had just been braver we wouldn't be so broken, that it wouldn't be so hard, a busted up pieced back together heart that aches so much at times that I can't even explain...all these things can't be for nothing. That pain can't go to waste, I won't allow it to. There has to be something more....
I go back to this...
"For I know the plans that I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
All of this had a greater purpose...to make me who I am today. A jar of clay, molded by the Father's hands. There are cracks in this jar, but they have been filled with His love and mercy and grace. The cracks are still there as reminders though. Reminders of where I came from. But seeing them filled, reminds me of where He has brought me to. I know without a doubt that my purpose is to be an encouragement to others. To be a real person, not someone pretending to be a perfect Christian. I know what I went through isn't the worst thing in the world, plenty of others have been through worse. But for me, it was the biggest, saddest, scariest thing I have ever experienced, and it changed me. It had to. For a while, it changed me for the worse...I was a mess. Mad, sad, depressed, angry, lonely...but now I can look back and see it was all for this moment. The moment I can stand here and say, here I am a broken, messed up, scared, crying woman who knows my great big God is by my side everyday....and He has purposed this time for me, this exact moment. He has a plan for my life. He took a bad situation and turned it into something for His glory.
Listen to me friend.....just because you made a mistake, or you made a hundred mistakes, whether they were last week, yesterday, or 5 minutes ago....it doesn't matter. God doesn't expect you to be perfect, He just asks that you try. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again, and again if that's what it takes. And if you don't know how.... then ask someone for help, let the people in your life IN your life. Let them see the real you. Let them know you are struggling, that you are drowning, that you need them. Let them IN!
If that's not you...if things are going well right now....then just be ready and willing to serve when someone else cries out for help.
Understand me here....I didn't say to sugar coat things, and tell them everything is going to be ok. I said to tell them TRUTH! Does life suck sometimes....yes....but there is MORE!! There are choices that can be made to change things. People that are willing to be a real part of their life, and stand there with them, and walk through ALL the crap together.
But it has to start by us to stop hiding behind our Christianity, stop hiding behind the title of Christian. I am still human like everyone else...I am a woman, wife, mother, hard worker, overly sensitive, insanely creative, loving, scared human. I still deal with STUFF everyday. Being a Christian does not make me perfect. Like I said, I love Jesus but I cuss a little. I get angry, and yell at the kids. I get upset, and cry for no reason. I make wrong decisions. I do bad things. I do not live a perfect life. Do I try? Yes. But I don't always succeed, and that is completely OK! At least I tried. Each day is a new day, a new time to try again, to do better, to learn from what went wrong yesterday.
I used to say that I wore a lot of masks....that there was a work Libby, an at home Libby, a church Libby....that I was who I was supposed to be at each separate place. No one ever knew the pain I was in, the struggles I went through each and every day, because I NEVER let it show. Not to my best friends, my mother, my children, my pastors, no one knew how much my heart hurt. I became very good at hiding it behind a mask. Everyone thought I had it all together. I was dying on the inside, and no one knew because I wouldn't let them see. That is exactly why I refuse to be that kind of friend to other people now. I want people to see that I am 100% real, definitely not perfect, and that I am approachable, and they can come to me with anything, no judgement, just a heart wanting to help in any way I can.
I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I went through all that I went through for a reason. I have to believe that, otherwise I can't handle the pain of the past. A missing manipulative waste of skin for a father, a destructive first half of my life longing for the attention of any man that would look my way that I regret horribly, an abusive demeaning 12 year marriage to a monster that I still worry every day that it broke my girls hearts so much that it can't be mended and haunts them still to this day, thinking still that I waited too long to get us out of that situation, that if I had just been braver we wouldn't be so broken, that it wouldn't be so hard, a busted up pieced back together heart that aches so much at times that I can't even explain...all these things can't be for nothing. That pain can't go to waste, I won't allow it to. There has to be something more....
I go back to this...
"For I know the plans that I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
All of this had a greater purpose...to make me who I am today. A jar of clay, molded by the Father's hands. There are cracks in this jar, but they have been filled with His love and mercy and grace. The cracks are still there as reminders though. Reminders of where I came from. But seeing them filled, reminds me of where He has brought me to. I know without a doubt that my purpose is to be an encouragement to others. To be a real person, not someone pretending to be a perfect Christian. I know what I went through isn't the worst thing in the world, plenty of others have been through worse. But for me, it was the biggest, saddest, scariest thing I have ever experienced, and it changed me. It had to. For a while, it changed me for the worse...I was a mess. Mad, sad, depressed, angry, lonely...but now I can look back and see it was all for this moment. The moment I can stand here and say, here I am a broken, messed up, scared, crying woman who knows my great big God is by my side everyday....and He has purposed this time for me, this exact moment. He has a plan for my life. He took a bad situation and turned it into something for His glory.
Listen to me friend.....just because you made a mistake, or you made a hundred mistakes, whether they were last week, yesterday, or 5 minutes ago....it doesn't matter. God doesn't expect you to be perfect, He just asks that you try. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again, and again if that's what it takes. And if you don't know how.... then ask someone for help, let the people in your life IN your life. Let them see the real you. Let them know you are struggling, that you are drowning, that you need them. Let them IN!
If that's not you...if things are going well right now....then just be ready and willing to serve when someone else cries out for help.
Friday, September 2, 2016
This is my path
This morning while walking at the park, I got very frustrated watching an older couple walking in front of me getting further and further away from me. I also noticed that I was keeping track of another gentleman walking, he was walking in the opposite direction that I was, so I wanted to be sure that my pace kept up with his, and that we crossed paths at the same halfway point each time around. Then a threesome of beautiful, thin, blonde, moms passed me RUNNING and chatting, and it made me want to quit completely. I was frustrated with walking, and I hadn't really lost as much this week as I had hoped after walking all week. It all seemed useless. I started coming up with reasons to quit. But then God whispered in my ear....THIS is your path, not theirs, not hers, not his, but YOURS Libby.
Psalm 119:35 says "Make me walk along the path of your commands, for that is where my happiness is found."
So I started meditating on this idea as the day went on....and I realized I have always looked at all of life as a competition. I like to be first. In everything. Growing up always competing in music, I just can't help it. It part of my make up, of who I am. I think as humans, we are always that way at least a little bit. We want to keep up with the Jones, be in the greener grass on the other side, want what you can't have....I didn't make those phrases up!! We are constantly comparing ourselves to others and how we think they are doing in life. But here's the problem with that....what we see, may not necessarily be the truth....
Psalm 119:35 says "Make me walk along the path of your commands, for that is where my happiness is found."
So I started meditating on this idea as the day went on....and I realized I have always looked at all of life as a competition. I like to be first. In everything. Growing up always competing in music, I just can't help it. It part of my make up, of who I am. I think as humans, we are always that way at least a little bit. We want to keep up with the Jones, be in the greener grass on the other side, want what you can't have....I didn't make those phrases up!! We are constantly comparing ourselves to others and how we think they are doing in life. But here's the problem with that....what we see, may not necessarily be the truth....
Here's a perfect example of that....many moons ago, in one of my lowest points with the ex, I was always so distraught at church because I wanted to head of our household to be at church with us. I spent many Sunday mornings with my face in my hands crying out to God. I had a friend who always sat with her husband at church. They were so cute together, always cuddling, or rubbing each others back, or smiling at each other, or comforting each other if needed. They would praise together, listen together, amen together, and pray together. I wanted that SOOOOO badly in my own life. So much so that I could not stand to sit anywhere near them on Sunday mornings. I couldn't watch it that close up, it made me cry. As the months went by, she and I became better friends, and I finally told her how silly I felt about not sitting near her. She stopped in her tracks and said she felt the same way about me with my 3 girls. They were struggling so much to have a child, it broke her heart to watch it close up. Neither of us begrudged the other for the blessings they had, but trying to compare to other was hurting us both just for different reasons.
We can't look at anything anyone else has and be hurt by it....that's not our path. Jesus has the perfect plan for you....you just have to ask Him what it is, then follow it.
Jeremiah 33:3 says. "Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come."
I think as ladies we struggle the most with this....we never want anyone to see that we are hurting, or lacking. We constantly compare ourselves to EVERYONE else. You want THAT marriage, or to be THAT kind of mom, or to carry THAT kind of purse, or drive THAT kind of car, or have THAT kind of children, or live in THAT kind of home, or wear THAT brand of shoes, or have THAT big of a diamond ring. But all that stuff doesn't matter....it's temporal. What's important....what's real....what's truth....
"For I know the plans that I have for YOU", says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
God has a plan for each of us....the exact plan He created just for YOU. So today, I vow to follow the path He shows me....but to also be happy there. To wear blinders, and not see the things to my left or my right. Because honestly, the only ruler that I need to be measured by, is the fact that I tried a little harder than yesterday to follow His voice, His call, and His path for ME.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Everything is a Choice
I know some of you probably saw on facebook this morning that I walked at Patton Park today. I really...I mean really....didn't want to. I came up with every excuse in the book to not go....I needed to start work early, I was hungry and weak, I needed to do laundry, I wanted coffee first, I didn't have time, I didn't want to walk alone, that park was sketchy...you name it, I thought of it. But eventually I decided I was already up, and dressed, and going out to take the girls to school, and I had to drive right past that park to come home, so I just as well go. So I did...kicking and screaming (on the inside) but I did. I pushed myself more than I had in a long time, probably since my back surgery a couple of years ago, and walked 2 miles. Doesn't sound like much really, but to me it was a huge victory. After 2 laps around the park, my left hip started hurting really badly. I kept trying to talk myself into stopping. But I pushed through to a third lap. It still hurt....I even had a little old guy look at me with sympathy as I was holding my hand on my hip as I walked by him. That almost through me over the edge, and sent me running straight back to my car. But I didn't. I decided to keep going, and I finished 4 laps, equal to 2 miles. I made the CHOICE to push through. To push through the excuses, all the reasons not to, even the pain, to do something that I knew in the end was good for me. I have been really trying hard to make better choices for my physical body lately. Eating better, no sodas, really cutting down on sugar, only drinking water, and walking. Do I like any of it? Of course not. But in the end, someone said to me to consider the whys. Why do I do this? Not to lose weight necessarily, but because I want to live longer with my children and husband. I want to be more able to do things with them. I want to be more confident in who I am. I want to feel good in my own skin again. That's why I choose to eat better and exercise.
Ecclesiastes 10:2 says "A wise person chooses the right road; a fool takes the wrong one." I know that eating whatever I want, whenever I want is going to end badly. Yes I know I am going to die anyways....but will it be as a healthy, loving life, vibrant 95 year old, or as a diabetic, wheezing, unable to walk on her own 60 year old? I have to choose my path.
Job 22:28 says "You will succeed in whatever you choose to do, and light will shine on the road ahead of you." Here's the thing...I believe wholeheartedly that if I make the right choices, God is going to bless my effort. He will make it work even better than I could do on my own. And here's the biggest and bestest part....EVERYTHING in life boils down to a choice. Really think about that for a moment....
I can choose to get up on time and get to work and be a light there for Jesus, and lead by example.
I can choose to not go to Krispy Kreme in the morning, and instead eat oatmeal at home before leaving so I'm not as tempted as I drive by.
I can choose to drink a cup of coffee at home with splenda and low fat cream, instead of the million calorie $5 latte from Starbucks.
I can choose to have lunch at home and save the $8 I would spend eating out, and instead put it towards a date night with my sweet hubby.
Here's where it gets real....
I can choose every day to spend time with Jesus. Quiet time. Real time alone. To grow my relationship with my Father. So He can truly say that He knows who I am, and I know who He is.
I can choose every day to love on my children. To make a point to hug them and kiss them and tell them how awesome they are no matter how they may be acting that particular day.
I can choose every day to put my spouse's needs before mine. To make it a priority to take care of him. To show him just what he means to me. To work on our marriage DAILY and not take it for granted. To know that he is a gift, not a right.
I can choose every day not to complain about anything to anyone. To only say positive things. The power of life and death is in the tongue. I want to choose LIFE, and be that kind of example in the world. To be different than everyone else because I have the love of Jesus in my heart.
I can choose every day to be in the business of serving God in some way. Whether its volunteering in the children's ministry, working in the parking lot, or cleaning toilets. I will choose to just do what needs to be done. Period.
So today....who do you choose to be? If you don't like who you are, where you are, or what you are doing....decide TODAY to CHANGE! Be different! One small change is all it takes to set your life, your job, your marriage, your family, your outlook on life, on a different path forever. You can choose which direction your life will go.
And here's the best part of all....God is patiently waiting for you to just ask His opinion. He wants to show you the choice that is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for you. The one the He created just for you. But as I have always said, He is a gentleman, He will never force a choice on you, or push you down a path. He gives us a choice, every time.
You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. (Matthew 7:13)
Choose my instruction rather than silver, and knowledge rather than pure gold. (Proverbs 8:10)
Who are those who fear the Lord? He will show them the path they should choose. (Psalm 25:12)
What do you choose???
Ecclesiastes 10:2 says "A wise person chooses the right road; a fool takes the wrong one." I know that eating whatever I want, whenever I want is going to end badly. Yes I know I am going to die anyways....but will it be as a healthy, loving life, vibrant 95 year old, or as a diabetic, wheezing, unable to walk on her own 60 year old? I have to choose my path.
Job 22:28 says "You will succeed in whatever you choose to do, and light will shine on the road ahead of you." Here's the thing...I believe wholeheartedly that if I make the right choices, God is going to bless my effort. He will make it work even better than I could do on my own. And here's the biggest and bestest part....EVERYTHING in life boils down to a choice. Really think about that for a moment....
I can choose to get up on time and get to work and be a light there for Jesus, and lead by example.
I can choose to not go to Krispy Kreme in the morning, and instead eat oatmeal at home before leaving so I'm not as tempted as I drive by.
I can choose to drink a cup of coffee at home with splenda and low fat cream, instead of the million calorie $5 latte from Starbucks.
I can choose to have lunch at home and save the $8 I would spend eating out, and instead put it towards a date night with my sweet hubby.
Here's where it gets real....
I can choose every day to spend time with Jesus. Quiet time. Real time alone. To grow my relationship with my Father. So He can truly say that He knows who I am, and I know who He is.
I can choose every day to love on my children. To make a point to hug them and kiss them and tell them how awesome they are no matter how they may be acting that particular day.
I can choose every day to put my spouse's needs before mine. To make it a priority to take care of him. To show him just what he means to me. To work on our marriage DAILY and not take it for granted. To know that he is a gift, not a right.
I can choose every day not to complain about anything to anyone. To only say positive things. The power of life and death is in the tongue. I want to choose LIFE, and be that kind of example in the world. To be different than everyone else because I have the love of Jesus in my heart.
I can choose every day to be in the business of serving God in some way. Whether its volunteering in the children's ministry, working in the parking lot, or cleaning toilets. I will choose to just do what needs to be done. Period.
So today....who do you choose to be? If you don't like who you are, where you are, or what you are doing....decide TODAY to CHANGE! Be different! One small change is all it takes to set your life, your job, your marriage, your family, your outlook on life, on a different path forever. You can choose which direction your life will go.
And here's the best part of all....God is patiently waiting for you to just ask His opinion. He wants to show you the choice that is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for you. The one the He created just for you. But as I have always said, He is a gentleman, He will never force a choice on you, or push you down a path. He gives us a choice, every time.
You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. (Matthew 7:13)
Choose my instruction rather than silver, and knowledge rather than pure gold. (Proverbs 8:10)
Who are those who fear the Lord? He will show them the path they should choose. (Psalm 25:12)
What do you choose???
Thursday, August 25, 2016
There's a warrior by my side!
For almost a week I have sat each day looking at this verse....
I repeat some of the highlighted words over and over....BESIDE....WARRIOR.....BESIDE WARRIOR...BESIDE...WARRIOR.
On Tuesday I even looked up the exact definition for each word. Beside, according to dictionary.com, is "by or at the side of, near". Warrior is "a person engaged or experienced in warfare, a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness." Ok he is near, and he is courageous. That still didn't really get my juices flowing yet. I knew that stuff. I kept looking at it over and over again. I understood it with my mind, but did my heart really believe it? At my core, did I truly believe that God has it all under control?
For those of you who haven't read or heard much of my story before, I have struggled a lot with fear. Jesus is working with me on this daily, I can say I am trying to let it go, but where I come from it's very hard. My ex husband (the girls' father) was abusive, mentally, emotionally, and eventually physically. For years of our marriage, he threatened if I did anything "out of line", he would take the girls and disappear, that I would never see or hear from any of them again. So in my "damaged" mind the night I finally stood up for myself and called the police, I just knew that I knew that I knew, that as soon as he had a chance (whether it was in a couple of days, or years from then) he would come grab the girls, kill me and then run and hide. I am not so much afraid for my safety, as I am for theirs. As a mother, that's the fear that sticks with you. SO yeah, I struggle with fear. We have not seen or heard from him in over 4 years....which in a way scares me a little more, because I have no idea where he is, what he is thinking, or what he is planning. For a LONG time, I looked over my shoulder every minute of every day waiting for him to show back up.
Most days, I can keep it at bay. I don't even consider it, it doesn't come into my mind. But occasionally, the devil will put something in my path to throw me right back to that time, that moment, that feeling, that fear. I typically would have chosen to chase the 5000 what if rabbits down their perspective holes. Instead, as of late, I am doing my best to speak scripture to those thoughts. Even if I can't remember the entire scripture, or the exact reference, I throw everything I've got at the devil and his pokes.
I even created what I am calling my declarations board (at the suggestion of a good friend, THANK YOU!!!) It's in my office, I try to look at it every day. To remind myself who HE says I am, of who I want to be. I also have verses written that I can use against the devil in the battle for my mind. Here's a picture, take a look. I highly suggest you make your own. I even made a little one for my sweet hubby for his office.
(Scriptures referenced: Psalm 4:8, Philippians 4:-9, Jeremiah 29:11, Matthew 6;34, Numbers 6:24-26, Jude 1:2, Psalm 91, Proverbs 31:10-31, Proverbs 14:30, Exodus 33:14, Psalm 23)
So back on track with my original verse (Jeremiah 20:11)..... during our night of worship at church on Wednesday, I got lost in a song called "Let it Rain". Take a look at the lyrics....
I feel the rain of Your love
I feel the winds of Your spirit
Now the heartbeat of heaven let us hear.
Let it rain, let it rain
open the floodgates of heaven
As I stood there on stage playing bass and singing, I started to really think about those words and what they meant to me. I thought about the refreshing feel of rain on your face on a hot day, or the cool breeze across the ocean on a summer morning. It hit me like a brick to the head that is what He is trying to do for me. To calm my spirit, to release me from my fears, to be that refreshing breeze to my soul. As I started to weep, right there on stage....as I did, He flooded me more and more with His voice. He lead me straight back to my verse for the week....He said I stand BESIDE you Libby as a WARRIOR. He made it personal. My mind began to wander about walking with Him, and how that would feel. I imagined that if He was truly walking beside me, His voice speaking to me in a gentle tone would soothe me. The steady beat of His heart that I could feel as He held my hand would slow my anxieties. His gentle nudge to keep me on His path, guiding me ever so softly towards what He has planned for me. The entire thought was so amazing, and vivid in my mind's eye. Then He said now picture all of that as a flood, and I am opening the gates to pour THAT kind of protection, and peace, and happiness, and blessing, and anointing, and purpose all on you Libby. At this point, of course if you know me at all you know what's next....I was a blubbering puddle on the floor. I had never felt so much call on my life. It was completely overwhelming. I had never felt such peace, such safety, such protection before. I now understood, and believed what Jeremiah 20:11 said....But the LORD stands beside ME like a great warrior. But the difference.....All week long...I was emphasizing the wrong words.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Return to writing....
Hello to anyone out there who chooses to read this. Honestly, I write mostly for myself, as a way to really get the ideas out of my head. Sometimes they come so fast my hands can't keep up, especially if I try to write it down on paper. I envision the inside of my brain as Grand Central Station....with trains (of thought) coming from every direction, all day and all night at about 1000mph.
And I wonder why I can't sleep sometimes. LOL!! But when I write, it helps me try to focus in on one idea. I see it more like this picture....
Usually it's an idea that God has placed in my spirit like a pebble in my shoe, that keeps coming up over and over until I finally decide to sit down, research it, and pour my heart out about it.
In the end, I have always believed if something I experienced (or write about) helps just one other person....then all the pain, anguish, sleepless nights, storms, and trials were totally worth it! I believe that God gave me a voice and a story so that I can share it with others to help them through something. I like to be up front and honest about how I am feeling, what I am thinking, and what I am going through. Sometimes it's ugly, sometimes it's sad....but it's always truth.
But here's the even awesomer part....I also try my darndest to write about how it all comes out in the end. Whether it's a biblical concept I just didn't understand and had to work through with God's help....or it's the devil poking me and it takes me a little time to see that my God is bigger than anything he can throw at me....I want this to be a place to share my heart, my thoughts, and my testimony.
My new goal is to blog once a week at least (sometimes when I start going I just can't stop!) I want to write about things that puzzle me, things that interest me, things that make me stop and really listen for His voice through it all. Some weeks it may be a bible verse that has really spoken to me, sometimes it may be a mini rant because the kids are driving me bonkers (let's get real....it happens!), and sometimes it may be the awesomest new twice baked loaded cauliflower recipe (WITH BACON!!) that I found on pinterest. But I can promise you, every time it will be straight from the heart of a full force creative nutso crazy mom!
P.S. Here's a hint about my next post....and it probably won't be a whole week before it comes bursting out. A verse from church service this morning really hit home, so this week I am going to really try to meditate on it, soak it in, and understand what God is saying to ME personally through it. (Understand....remember grand central station brain....it's REALLY REALLY REALLY hard for me to meditate on anything for more than about 5 seconds at a time!!!)
Anyways, here's the verse....
"But the Lord stands beside me like a great warrior. Before him my persecutors will stumble. They cannot defeat me. They will fail and be thoroughly humiliated. Their dishonor will never be forgotten." Jeremiah 20:11
And I wonder why I can't sleep sometimes. LOL!! But when I write, it helps me try to focus in on one idea. I see it more like this picture....
Usually it's an idea that God has placed in my spirit like a pebble in my shoe, that keeps coming up over and over until I finally decide to sit down, research it, and pour my heart out about it.
In the end, I have always believed if something I experienced (or write about) helps just one other person....then all the pain, anguish, sleepless nights, storms, and trials were totally worth it! I believe that God gave me a voice and a story so that I can share it with others to help them through something. I like to be up front and honest about how I am feeling, what I am thinking, and what I am going through. Sometimes it's ugly, sometimes it's sad....but it's always truth.
But here's the even awesomer part....I also try my darndest to write about how it all comes out in the end. Whether it's a biblical concept I just didn't understand and had to work through with God's help....or it's the devil poking me and it takes me a little time to see that my God is bigger than anything he can throw at me....I want this to be a place to share my heart, my thoughts, and my testimony.
My new goal is to blog once a week at least (sometimes when I start going I just can't stop!) I want to write about things that puzzle me, things that interest me, things that make me stop and really listen for His voice through it all. Some weeks it may be a bible verse that has really spoken to me, sometimes it may be a mini rant because the kids are driving me bonkers (let's get real....it happens!), and sometimes it may be the awesomest new twice baked loaded cauliflower recipe (WITH BACON!!) that I found on pinterest. But I can promise you, every time it will be straight from the heart of a full force creative nutso crazy mom!
P.S. Here's a hint about my next post....and it probably won't be a whole week before it comes bursting out. A verse from church service this morning really hit home, so this week I am going to really try to meditate on it, soak it in, and understand what God is saying to ME personally through it. (Understand....remember grand central station brain....it's REALLY REALLY REALLY hard for me to meditate on anything for more than about 5 seconds at a time!!!)
Anyways, here's the verse....
"But the Lord stands beside me like a great warrior. Before him my persecutors will stumble. They cannot defeat me. They will fail and be thoroughly humiliated. Their dishonor will never be forgotten." Jeremiah 20:11
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Love letter to God
Today on this snow day as I was cleaning up a little in my room, I found a letter I wrote to God a while back. I decided maybe it needed to be shared, maybe just maybe someone else needed to hear it today......
Dear God,
I know there have been plenty of times when I choose not to be near you. I may have been angry or hurt, but I always loved you. I just may not have known how to show it.
God, I try every day to be thankful for everything you do for me, but sometimes "life" gets in the way of that. So today, I want to take a minute and tell you why I love you...
The easiest way I can think to say it is I love you for saving me over and over again through out my life. First and foremost for my salvation, that's a given...but thank you for savings me from a horrible ex-husband. I truly believe that night, March 22, 2011, you saved my life. Your spirit in me helped me to not say anything I would have typically said back to him. If that fight had escalated anymore I don't know what would have happened. So Lord, I love you for saving my physical life.
I also love you for saving me time and time again from myself. Over and over when I have made the wrong choices, you always in your kind and gentle way bring me back onto the right path.
And finally I love you for saving me for Dean at the right time and place. We were designed by You to be together right now in our lives. This is the family we both always dreamed about and prayed for years for.
So Lord....I love you for always saving me.
Dear God,
I know there have been plenty of times when I choose not to be near you. I may have been angry or hurt, but I always loved you. I just may not have known how to show it.
God, I try every day to be thankful for everything you do for me, but sometimes "life" gets in the way of that. So today, I want to take a minute and tell you why I love you...
The easiest way I can think to say it is I love you for saving me over and over again through out my life. First and foremost for my salvation, that's a given...but thank you for savings me from a horrible ex-husband. I truly believe that night, March 22, 2011, you saved my life. Your spirit in me helped me to not say anything I would have typically said back to him. If that fight had escalated anymore I don't know what would have happened. So Lord, I love you for saving my physical life.
I also love you for saving me time and time again from myself. Over and over when I have made the wrong choices, you always in your kind and gentle way bring me back onto the right path.
And finally I love you for saving me for Dean at the right time and place. We were designed by You to be together right now in our lives. This is the family we both always dreamed about and prayed for years for.
So Lord....I love you for always saving me.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
More and more and more
I have been trying to write this for a couple of days, but I can't seem to put on paper exactly everything that has been going on lately. Words just can't even begin to describe it. So every time I start trying to write this, I end up stopping and deleting everything that I have already written. So this is attempt #3 I think. I really like to be open with my experiences hoping that it will reach someone, and be helpful in some way. The reason I haven't been able to write this yet was twofold. First, I was worried what some people might think, and secondly I felt like this was different, special, between just me and God. But here's what changed my mind...their is power in the words of our testimony. If God can do this for me, He can does this for anyone. I am hoping that if you read about a real experience that someone you know had with God, then it will mean more and you will seek Him more yourself.
Friday night we were having a special couple there for our regular praise and prayer time. Dean and I had gone last week, and I had an amazing prayer experience, so I wanted to go again to see what happened. It's funny to me, both Friday nights my plan (LOL! I can't even say my plan without cracking up now!), anyways my plan was to just sit back and watch, to see what happened, and then decide how I felt about it. Well, let's just say God had different plans for me again.
We arrived at church about 645pm, I barely had time to get home from work, change my shoes, and we were turning around and heading to church. I was tired to say the least, but I wanted to be there. The spirit was so thick in the sanctuary the minute we walked in. You could literally feel it in the air. We sang a couple of songs, and then the guest speakers talked a few minutes before they started praying and ministering to people. The "concept" for the evening was healing. So I had already decided I didn't really have anything that I needed healing for, so I was still on board with my plan to just hang out and watch. That didn't last for long though. And I am so glad it didn't!
Pastor and I had talked a couple of times that I wanted to be at a point where I could let go off control and just let God overtake me. I wanted to be available to His spirit. So, he walked over to where Dean and I were sitting and leaned down to me to say that I needed to be sure to go up for prayer at some point. But then Pastor laid hands on me and prayed for God to just give me more of Him, to fill me up. Before I could even think about it, I began to laugh, harder that I had ever laughed before, and I just couldn't stop. No matter how hard I tried to get back in control, God was not allowing it in any way, shape, or form. I was literally laying on the floor belly laughing. All I could hear was Pastor continuing to say more Lord, more. I wanted to stop and try to be respectful, but God had different plans. People needed to hear the joy of the Lord overtaking me. But I needed it too, even more than I realized.
For so long church was a place where I was constantly in tears. Between the years with Abigail's heart issues, or dealing with my abusive ex-husband, or the times of being along...I could hardly be at church without flashes of me being on my face somewhere as a blubbering mess. I didn't know church as anything else for many years. God had to put my on face again...but this time to be filled with His joy. It was the most incredible feeling that I have ever had. This is the part where words just can't explain. The happiness that filled me from the inside out was incredible, uncontrollable. No matter what I thought in my mind, I couldn't stop the feeling. As the night went on, all Pastor had to do was look at me and say more...and the laughter would start again. For hours, I was just overwhelmed with it. In fact, the next day I saw that I had busted blood vessels around my eyes from laughing so hard and so much.
I did finally go to one of the guests for prayer and talked to her about my control issues. Her words really struck home for me. She said that control is a spirit, but it is a spirit that I can rebuke, lay it down, and leave it under the feet of Jesus and myself. I have to make a conscience choice to put it down and NOT pick it back up. That is what I want so badly. I want Him to have control of me. I want Him to lead me and me not try to rationalize it away. I ended up being completely overcome by His spirit after prayer with her, and just having to stop and lay down and soak it all in. I was laughing again, and truly just enjoying the happiness He was filling me with. I wanted to stay in that moment forever, and just let Him fill my heart with that incredible JOY!
We went home and I was just in a fog of His presence. He was still just all over my heart, mind, and soul. I had never felt so at peace in my life. I slept like a baby, no crazy dreams, no nightmares. I woke up Saturday morning still feeling Him so close. I wasn't tired, but I was in another world, I was just completely relaxed and in still in His presence. It was incredible!
Another part of the amazement was the feeling of the fire of the Holy Ghost in that place. The very minute I started laughing, my head was so hot. I remember babbling to Dean once that I felt like a candle and my head was the flame. I was completely on fire with the Lord. It was so strong on me, again I can't even explain it. I keep hearing myself say "that's not me" or "that's not in my comfort zone"...and yet I still keep doing things. For example, I have had things said to me before about being involved in healing ministry. For a while I felt like I was going to be part of a spiritual healing ministry at some point, either through my testimony or my writing, but I would have never thought about physical healing being part of my calling. But things changed on Friday night in my mind. We were sitting there in that service, and the Holy Spirit was so thick in the air...all of a sudden I felt God telling me to put my hand on Dean's shoulder and start praying. (Dean had been having some muscle pain in his shoulder for quite a few days) I placed my hand on his shoulder and started praying under my breath. The one thing I remember saying over and over was "I believe you can, and I believe you will". Every time I tried to take my hand off his shoulder, and I thought I was done...God said not yet. I physically could not take my hand off of him. After a while, I felt it was time to stop. As soon as I lifted my hand, Dean said "your hand was on fire". I knew then what God was doing. Needless to say he hasn't said anything else about his back hurting. We got home, trying to get ready for bed, and Dean was saying that he hoped he could relax his mind and just think. God said to me, "do it again". I placed my hands on his head and started to pray again, asking God to clear his mind, and give him Holy rest like he had never experienced before. And again I said, I believe you can and I believe you will. Dean said he could feel a tingling going from my hands to his forehead. He said he thought I was wiggling my fingers on his head. The next morning Dean said he slept so hard for a while that he felt like he lost time.
All of this babbling from my heart to say that God is up to something in me. I may not understand it all yet, but I declare that I am a willing vessel. Fill me up Lord. Bring Your Holy Fire. Continue to bring the Joy. Work in me. Use me. Teach me to do Your work. Clear my mind, so that all I can hear is Your Voice. Take control God. Keep me in the fog of Your Presence.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
All of Him, and All of Me
I know it's been a while since I have blogged, but today I really felt lead to share of all that's been going on with me. I have had an amazing few days in the presence of the Lord, so much of Him that I can't even believe it. I wanted to take some time today to write it all down for me, but also to share it with you. There is strength in all of us sharing what He does in us, through us, and for us.
I have been wanting more of Him for a while now. But at the same time, I am sort of afraid to ask Him for it. Not sure what He would do, or how He would show up, or how He would shake me up. If you know me at all, you know I am sort of a like to be in control of things. LOL! Things have to be "just so" for me to handle it. I honestly want God to overtake me, but my flesh in the past hasn't been able to let go enough to allow it. I'm even having a hard time writing this now without feeling sick to my stomach. I don't like feeling out of control. I mean for crying out loud, I don't even like my food to touch other food on my plate, that's a control freak people!!! But I want more of Him.
So let me just say my God is so amazingly gracious. He knows me so well, and loves me so much, that He knows can't just drop all of Himself on me at once. But this week He did give me 5 rock solid words through an incredibly powerful prayer time Friday night at Rapha House. I want to dig into each of them a little deeper, so I can hold on tight to them.
Peace...He continues to remind me that I can rest in His peace. That I can have peace in my thoughts. My mind moves so fast all the time and in so many directions that I can't handle it some days, most days in fact. He is trying to show me how to slow down and be at peace in Him. Psalm 29:11 says "The Lord gives strength to his people, the Lord blesses his people with peace." The is definitely an ongoing process for me, a transformation of my mind and how it works. He wants to show me that I can be strong while still at peace. I just have to slow down and allow Him to take control.
Safe...this word He surprised me with, it was something that I didn't realize I was still hurting from. He spoke to me very clearly by saying through a sweet, gentle hearted lady that I was safe with Him. I didn't think I needed to be reminded of this, but it touched my heart so when she said it. My history with the men in my life has not been so great to say the least, from my absent biological dad to my abusive ex husband, let's just say I have trouble trusting men. I didn't think I could trust anyone again. In fact until Dean came into my life, I don't think I ever felt complete trust for another human being. But God whispered to me to remember I am always safe with Him. I worry many days about retaliation from my ex-husband one day....but God gently reminds me that I will always be safe in His arms. Psalm 16:1 says "Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge." That's it, I want to take refuge in Him.
Restoration...this is a good one, that He freely offers every day, why do I continue to forget it? Another word spoken over me this weekend was that all the years that were taken from me will be restored. Psalm 80:7 says "Restore us, God Almighty; make your face shine on us, that we may be saved." Restore and beyond...He wants to give me more than was taken away by the enemy. And so far, He has proven this over and over. I am beyond blessed by the Godly marriage I have with Dean. God has already restored dreams for my life that I thought were dead and gone and He continues that work in my life every day.
Acceptance...this is another one of those words that I didn't know that I needed, but it broke my heart and put it back together in a new loving way in just a moment. The women at Rapha House accept me for who am I, no matter what that includes. For the first time, I feel like I am loved as a peer, not looked down on as a just another person in the church. It warms my heart more than I could ever say. Every woman wants to feel loved and accepted, and women are usually the hardest judge on each other. So to feel I was welcomed within the woman of Rapha House is so important for me and my growth in His presence. There are some amazingly strong Godly women in this church, woman who walk in His presence every day, and I can't wait to learn more from each of them.
Catch...this one make take a little more explaining but I love it with all my heart!! God wants to encourage my desire and my heart to help our children CATCH the fever that I have for praise and worship. That spirit, that anointing, that love is contagious and I definitely want the children at Rapha House to catch it! I don't want them to just learn a song, or a dance, or words...I want them to learn to be worshippers at heart at an early age.
So, the words that I will cling to as I go back to the world after an amazing few days with the Lord are PEACE, SAFE, RESTORATION, ACCEPTANCE, AND CATCH. I keep writing them everywhere I go....on the shower doors in the steam, on every little notebook I have, on a piece of paper posted to my computer at work, and on my heart. Thank you Lord for speaking to me and graciously loving me.
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