20 things you may not know about me

As I sat here trying to think of something to write, I realized I was trying to think of something to be sad about, or rant about, or be angry about, or dwell on....so I'm not doing that tonight. I am purposefully trying to go off that track, we will see where this goes.

So here are 20 things you may not know about me....

1. I have played cello since 6th grade. Growing up I wanted to be a member of the disney orchestra, meaning the orchestra that played all the background music for all the movies. For some reason I thought that was better than any other playing gig.

2. As a middle schooler my nickname was Lizard...that's all you get, no explanation. LOL!!

3. I have visited probably 40 out of 50 states.

4. I have never flown over water before...not sure when I will either...scares the heck out of me.

5. I still don't like my closet door open at night, because of watching Poltergeist as a kid.

6.  The summer after 4th grade, I don't think I took my roller skates off all summer.

7. I have visited the largest Mcdonalds in the world. At least at the time it was, in Barstow CA. It was made from 7 cabooses.

8. I hate Dennys...bad childhood memories.

9. My playlist is very eclectic... including Yancy Ministries, The Piano Guys, Pentatonix, Bella and the Flecktones, The Violent Femmes, Sugarland, Missy Elliott, Yo Yo Ma, Flo Rida, Justin Timberlake, Bethel, Jesus Culture, Vertical Worship, Israel, Glee cast, and much more!

10. I went to Applachian State as a music education major but didn't finish...I never felt qualified/ready to actually teach. I am a firm believe that teaching is a true calling, that you shouldn't do it unless you are 100% sure. When my sister was in 3rd grade, she needed help with long division and I couldn't figure out a way to explain it to an 8 yr old. That scared me to death! One of the main reasons I quit school.

11. Speaking of sister....I locked her in my cello case once.

12. As a kid, my cousin and I spent the summers playing News Show. We made up stories and hosted our own TV news show. EVERYTHING that happened became a story for the news. I remember a particular one from a restaurant about a vanilla mountain that was melting into the chocolate sea around it.

13. I believe my brain has blocked out lots of childhood memories to shield me from the pain of it all.

14. I was born on Christmas Eve. My mom always said she had nasty hospital mac and cheese that Christmas because of me.  I also came home from the hospital in a Christmas Stocking.

15. I love to craft! All kinds of crafts! But the one thing I can't seem to figure out is knitting or crocheting, and it makes me nuts that I can't!

16.  Silly things that I love terribly... caramel M&Ms (new found love, if you haven't tried them you are missing out), Necco wafers candy, Big Red soda (near impossible to find these days), socks, owls  and bees (but not real ones, just silly girlie ones), pinterest, reality TV (not the stupid ones though like The Kardashians or Jersey Shore...the competition ones like Survivor, Amazing Race, Top Chef, The NExt HGTV Star and such), chapstick (HUGE addiction!!), and a huge collection of coffee creamers (my cofffee is more sugar and cream than coffee most days).

17. My husband and I got married 6 weeks after our first day.  And if you ask either of us, we waited too long.  We just knew. After our first date, I prayed over and over, if this is right Lord tell him, please tell him.  I was in a very dry place, had been angry with God for a while, I was afraid I wouldn't hear His voice.  But luckily we both did, loud and clear.

18. I love to cook, but hate to bake. I don't like the science of it.  I like mixing what I want, and flying by the seat of my pants with cooking. Which is crazy because I am the biggest planner/list maker that I know in every other area of my life.

19. One of the awesomest times I have ever had with the Lord was laughing uncontrollably in the Holy Ghost.  He got a hold of me, and wouldn't stop.  He knew I needed to let go, to not be in charge, to just relax, and enjoy the moment.  I believe with all my heart that sometimes the Lord knocks me on my behind because that is the only time I will stop and rest.  (But that is a WHOLE other blog post.)

20. I am totally in love with my life. Is it perfect....no, but it is pretty stinkin' wonderful.  I am completely head over heels in love with my husband, who treats me like his queen every single day.  I have 4 wonderful children who make me laugh, smile, cry, and scream every day, sometimes all in the same day.  I get to serve at the most amazing church with the most incredible team teaching the most fabulous kids on the planet. I LOVE WHAT I GET TO DO!!!! Combining music and kids for me has always been where I was supposed to be, I just had to wait on His timing.

Oh you know what here is one extra one that I couldn't leave out....

21.  I was saved and baptized at the age of 19, when I was in college.  The Saturday before my baptism on Sunday I sprained my knee playing kick ball in the church yard. The doctor said I would have been better off if I had broken it.  I was in a splint thing for over 8 weeks. Anyways, I have always said that was the devil trying to get me off my path way back then! But he didn't succeed then....and I am still fighting him today.  His whispers haunt me daily....but I always try to remind myself that is just because I scare him so!

I love Jesus...but I cuss a little!

Everyone is talking lately about being real, about getting down and dirty, and sharing our hearts with everyone....I believe that is exactly what this world needs.  These are dark times, people are hurting.  I can't even imagine all the things people are dealing with on a daily basis. They need something more!   People need people. They need real relationships. They need people to tell them the truth, not throw bible verses and church-ese at them.  They need open and honest hearts that are willing to live life with them. To walk with them through the every day things, dealing with kids, husbands, work, cooking dinner, crying alone at night, aging parents, grumpy neighbors, hating the gym, finding their purpose....the big and the little things.  We need to get down in the trenches and truly be their friend.

Understand me here....I didn't say to sugar coat things, and tell them everything is going to be ok.  I said to tell them TRUTH! Does life suck sometimes....yes....but there is MORE!! There are choices that can be made to change things. People that are willing to be a real part of their life, and stand there with them, and walk through ALL the crap together.

But it has to start by us to stop hiding behind our Christianity, stop hiding behind the title of Christian. I am still human like everyone else...I am a woman, wife, mother, hard worker, overly sensitive, insanely creative, loving, scared human. I still deal with STUFF everyday. Being a Christian does not make me perfect. Like I said, I love Jesus but I cuss a little.  I get angry, and yell at the kids.  I get upset, and cry for no reason.  I make wrong decisions.  I do bad things.  I do not live a perfect life. Do I try? Yes. But I don't always succeed, and that is completely OK! At least I tried.  Each day is a new day, a new time to try again, to do better, to learn from what went wrong yesterday.

I used to say that I wore a lot of masks....that there was a work Libby, an at home Libby, a church Libby....that I was who I was supposed to be at each separate place.  No one ever knew the pain I was in, the struggles I went through each and every day, because I NEVER let it show.  Not to my best friends, my mother, my children, my pastors, no one knew how much my heart hurt.  I became very good at hiding it behind a mask.  Everyone thought I had it all together.  I was dying on the inside, and no one knew because I wouldn't let them see.  That is exactly why I refuse to be that kind of friend to other people now.  I want people to see that I am 100% real, definitely not perfect, and that I am approachable, and they can come to me with anything, no judgement, just a heart wanting to help in any way I can.

I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I went through all that I went through for a reason. I have to believe that, otherwise I can't handle the pain of the past. A missing manipulative waste of skin for a father, a destructive first half of my life longing for the attention of any man that would look my  way that I regret horribly, an abusive demeaning 12 year marriage to a monster that I still worry every day that it broke my girls hearts so much that it can't be mended and haunts them still to this day, thinking still that I waited too long to get us out of that situation, that if I had just been braver we wouldn't be so broken, that it wouldn't be so hard, a busted up pieced back together heart that aches so much at times that I can't even explain...all these things can't be for nothing.  That pain can't go to waste, I won't allow it to.  There has to be something more....

I go back to this...
"For I know the plans that I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

All of this had a greater purpose...to make me who I am today. A jar of clay, molded by the Father's hands. There are cracks in this jar, but they have been filled with His love and mercy and grace.  The cracks are still there as reminders though.  Reminders of where I came from.  But seeing them filled, reminds me of where He has brought me to.  I know without a doubt that my purpose is to be an encouragement to others. To be a real person, not someone pretending to be a perfect Christian.  I know what I went through isn't the worst thing in the world, plenty of others have been through worse. But for me, it was the biggest, saddest, scariest thing I have ever experienced, and it changed me. It had to.  For a while, it changed me for the worse...I was a mess. Mad, sad, depressed, angry, lonely...but now I can look back and see it was all for this moment. The moment I can stand here and say, here I am a broken, messed up, scared, crying woman who knows my great big God is by my side everyday....and He has purposed this time for me, this exact moment. He has a plan for my life.  He took a bad situation and turned it into something for His glory.

Listen to me friend.....just because you made a mistake, or you made a hundred mistakes, whether they were last week, yesterday, or 5 minutes ago....it doesn't matter.  God doesn't expect you to be perfect, He just asks that you try.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again, and again if that's what it takes.  And if you don't know how.... then ask someone for help, let the people in your life IN your life. Let them see the real you. Let them know you are struggling, that you are drowning, that you need them. Let them IN!

If that's not you...if things are going well right now....then just be ready and willing to serve when someone else cries out for help.

This is my path

This morning while walking at the park, I got very frustrated watching an older couple walking in front of me getting further and further away from me.  I also noticed that I was keeping track of another gentleman walking, he was walking in the opposite direction that I was, so I wanted to be sure that my pace kept up with his, and that we crossed paths at the same halfway point each time around.  Then a threesome of beautiful, thin, blonde, moms passed me RUNNING and chatting, and it made me want to quit completely.  I was frustrated with walking, and I hadn't really lost as much this week as I had hoped after walking all week. It all seemed useless.  I started coming up with reasons to quit. But then God whispered in my ear....THIS is your path, not theirs, not hers, not his, but YOURS Libby.  


Psalm 119:35 says "Make me walk along the path of your commands, for that is where my happiness is found."


So I started meditating on this idea as the day went on....and I realized I have always looked at all of life as a competition. I like to be first. In everything. Growing up always competing in music, I just can't help it. It part of my make up, of who I am.  I think as humans, we are always that way at least a little bit. We want to keep up with the Jones, be in the greener grass on the other side, want what you can't have....I didn't make those phrases up!! We are constantly comparing ourselves to others and how we think they are doing in life. But here's the problem with that....what we see, may not necessarily be the truth....

Here's a perfect example of that....many moons ago, in one of my lowest points with the ex, I was always so distraught at church because I wanted to head of our household to be at church with us. I spent many Sunday mornings with my face in my hands crying out to God.  I had a friend who always sat with her husband at church. They were so cute together, always cuddling, or rubbing each others back, or smiling at each other, or comforting each other if needed. They would praise together, listen together, amen together, and pray together.  I wanted that SOOOOO badly in my own life. So much so that I could not stand to sit anywhere near them on Sunday mornings. I couldn't watch it that close up, it made me cry. As the months went by, she and I became better friends, and I finally told her how silly I felt about not sitting near her.  She stopped in her tracks and said she felt the same way about me with my 3 girls. They were struggling so much to have a child, it broke her heart to watch it close up. Neither of us begrudged the other for the blessings they had, but trying to compare to other was hurting us both just for different reasons. 

We can't look at anything anyone else has and be hurt by it....that's not our path. Jesus has the perfect plan for you....you just have to ask Him what it is, then follow it. 

Jeremiah 33:3 says. "Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come."

I think as ladies we struggle the most with this....we never want anyone to see that we are hurting, or lacking. We constantly compare ourselves to EVERYONE else.  You want THAT marriage, or to be THAT kind of mom, or to carry THAT kind of purse, or drive THAT kind of car, or have THAT kind of children, or live in THAT kind of home, or wear THAT brand of shoes, or have THAT big of a diamond ring.  But all that stuff doesn't matter....it's temporal.  What's important....what's real....what's truth....

"For I know the plans that I have for YOU", says the Lord.  "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."    (Jeremiah 29:11)

God has a plan for each of us....the exact plan He created just for YOU. So today, I vow to follow the path He shows me....but to also be happy there. To wear blinders, and not see the things to my left or my right.  Because honestly, the only ruler that I need to be measured by, is the fact that I tried a little harder than yesterday to follow His voice, His call, and His path for ME.

Everything is a Choice

I know some of you probably saw on facebook this morning that I walked at Patton Park today. I really...I mean really....didn't want to.  I came up with every excuse in the book to not go....I needed to start work early, I was hungry and weak, I needed to do laundry, I wanted coffee first, I didn't have time, I didn't want to walk alone, that park was sketchy...you name it, I thought of it.  But eventually I decided I was already up, and dressed, and going out to take the girls to school, and I had to drive right past that park to come home, so I just as well go. So I did...kicking and screaming (on the inside) but I did.  I pushed myself more than I had in a long time, probably since my back surgery a couple of years ago, and walked 2 miles. Doesn't sound like much really, but to me it was a huge victory.  After 2 laps around the park, my left hip started hurting really badly.  I kept trying to talk myself into stopping. But I pushed through to a third lap.  It still hurt....I even had a little old guy look at me with sympathy as I was holding my hand on my hip as I walked by him. That almost through me over the edge, and sent me running straight back to my car.  But I didn't.  I decided to keep going, and I finished 4 laps,  equal to 2 miles. I made the CHOICE to push through. To push through the excuses, all the reasons not to, even the pain, to do something that I knew in the end was good for me. I have been really trying hard to make better choices for my physical body lately. Eating better, no sodas, really cutting down on sugar, only drinking water, and walking.  Do I like any of it? Of course not. But in the end, someone said to me to consider the whys.  Why do I do this? Not to lose weight necessarily, but because I want to live longer with my children and husband. I want to be more able to do things with them.  I want to be more confident in who I am.  I want to feel good in my own skin again. That's why I choose to eat better and exercise.

 Ecclesiastes 10:2 says "A wise person chooses the right road; a fool takes the wrong one."  I know that eating whatever I want, whenever I want is going to end badly. Yes I know I am going to die anyways....but will it be as a healthy, loving life, vibrant 95 year old, or as a diabetic, wheezing, unable to walk on her own 60 year old? I have to choose my path.

Job 22:28 says "You will succeed in whatever you choose to do, and light will shine on the road ahead of you."  Here's the thing...I believe wholeheartedly that if I make the right choices, God is going to bless my effort.  He will make it work even better than I could do on my own.  And here's the biggest and bestest part....EVERYTHING in life boils down to a choice. Really think about that for a moment....

I can choose to get up on time and get to work and be a light there for Jesus, and lead by example.

I can choose to not go to Krispy Kreme in the morning, and instead eat oatmeal at home before leaving so I'm not as tempted as I drive by.

I can choose to drink a cup of coffee at home with splenda and low fat cream, instead of the million calorie $5 latte from Starbucks.

I can choose to have lunch at home and save the $8 I would spend eating out, and instead put it towards a date night with my sweet hubby.

Here's where it gets real....

I can choose every day to spend time with Jesus. Quiet time. Real time alone. To grow my relationship with my Father. So He can truly say that He knows who I am, and I know who He is.

I can choose every day to love on my children. To make a point to hug them and kiss them and tell them how awesome they are no matter how they may be acting that particular day.

I can choose every day to put my spouse's needs before mine.  To make it a priority to take care of him. To show him just what he means to me. To work on our marriage DAILY and not take it for granted. To know that he is a gift, not a right.

I can choose every day not to complain about anything to anyone. To only say positive things. The power of life and death is in the tongue. I want to choose LIFE, and be that kind of example in the world. To be different than everyone else because I have the love of Jesus in my heart.

I can choose every day to be in the business of serving God in some way. Whether its volunteering in the children's ministry, working in the parking lot, or cleaning toilets. I will choose to just do what needs to be done. Period.

So today....who do you choose to be? If you don't like who you are, where you are, or what you are doing....decide TODAY to CHANGE! Be different!  One small change is all it takes to set your life, your job, your marriage, your family, your outlook on life, on a different path forever. You can choose which direction your life will go.

And here's the best part of all....God is patiently waiting for you to just ask His opinion. He wants to show you the choice that is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for you. The one the He created just for you. But as I have always said, He is a gentleman, He will never force a choice on you, or push you down a path. He gives us a choice, every time.


You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. (Matthew 7:13)

Choose my instruction rather than silver, and knowledge rather than pure gold. (Proverbs 8:10)

Who are those who fear the Lord? He will show them the path they should choose. (Psalm 25:12)

What do you choose???

There's a warrior by my side!

For almost a week I have sat each day looking at this verse....

I repeat some of the highlighted words over and over....BESIDE....WARRIOR.....BESIDE WARRIOR...BESIDE...WARRIOR.

On Tuesday I even looked up the exact definition for each word.  Beside, according to dictionary.com, is "by or at the side of, near". Warrior is "a person engaged or experienced in warfare, a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness." Ok he is near, and he is courageous. That still didn't really get my juices flowing yet.  I knew that stuff. I kept looking at it over and over again.  I understood it with my mind, but did my heart really believe it? At my core, did I truly believe that God has it all under control?

For those of you who haven't read or heard much of my story before, I have struggled a lot with fear.  Jesus is working with me on this daily, I can say I am trying to let it go, but where I come from it's very hard.  My ex husband (the girls' father) was abusive, mentally, emotionally, and eventually physically.  For years of our marriage, he threatened if I did anything "out of line", he would take the girls and disappear, that I would never see or hear from any of them again.  So in my "damaged" mind the night I finally stood up for myself and called the police, I just knew that I knew that I knew, that as soon as he had a chance (whether it was in a couple of days, or years from then) he would come grab the girls, kill me and then run and hide.  I am not so much afraid for my safety, as I am for theirs. As a mother, that's the fear that sticks with you. SO yeah, I struggle with fear.  We have not seen or heard from him in over 4 years....which in a way scares me a little more, because I have no idea where he is, what he is thinking, or what he is planning. For a LONG time, I looked over my shoulder every minute of every day waiting for him to show back up.

Most days, I can keep it at bay.  I don't even consider it, it doesn't come into my mind.  But occasionally, the devil will put something in my path to throw me right back to that time, that moment, that feeling, that fear.  I typically would have chosen to chase the 5000 what if rabbits down their perspective holes. Instead, as of late, I am doing my best to speak scripture to those thoughts. Even if I can't remember the entire scripture, or the exact reference, I throw everything I've got at the devil and his pokes.

I even created what I am calling my declarations board (at the suggestion of a good friend, THANK YOU!!!) It's in my office, I try to look at it every day. To remind myself who HE says I am, of who I want to be.  I also have verses written that I can use against the devil in the battle for my mind.  Here's a picture, take a look. I highly suggest you make your own.  I even made a little one for my sweet hubby for his office. 

(Scriptures referenced: Psalm 4:8, Philippians 4:-9, Jeremiah 29:11, Matthew 6;34, Numbers 6:24-26, Jude 1:2, Psalm 91, Proverbs 31:10-31, Proverbs 14:30, Exodus 33:14, Psalm 23)

So back on track with my original verse (Jeremiah 20:11)..... during our night of worship at church on Wednesday, I got lost in a song called "Let it Rain". Take a look at the lyrics....

I feel the rain of Your love

I feel the winds of Your spirit

Now the heartbeat of heaven let us hear.

Let it rain, let it rain

open the floodgates of heaven

As I stood there on stage playing bass and singing, I started to really think about those words and what they meant to me.  I thought about the refreshing feel of rain on your face on a hot day, or the cool breeze across the ocean on a summer morning.  It hit me like a brick to the head that is what He is trying to do for me.  To calm my spirit, to release me from my fears, to be that refreshing breeze to my soul. As I started to weep, right there on stage....as I did, He flooded me more and more with His voice.  He lead me straight back to my verse for the week....He said I stand BESIDE you Libby as a WARRIOR. He made it personal.  My mind began to wander about walking with Him, and how that would feel.  I imagined that if He was truly walking beside me, His voice speaking to me in a gentle tone would soothe me.  The steady beat of His heart that I could feel as He held my hand would slow my anxieties. His gentle nudge to keep me on His path, guiding me ever so softly towards what He has planned for me.  The entire thought was so amazing, and vivid in my mind's eye.  Then He said now picture all of that as a flood, and I am opening the gates to pour THAT kind of protection, and peace, and happiness, and blessing, and anointing, and purpose all on you Libby. At this point, of course if you know me at all you know what's next....I was a blubbering puddle on the floor.  I had never felt so much call on my life. It was completely overwhelming. I had never felt such peace, such safety, such protection before. I now understood, and believed what Jeremiah 20:11 said....But the LORD stands beside ME like a great warrior.  But the difference.....All week long...I was emphasizing the wrong words. 

Return to writing....

Hello to anyone out there who chooses to read this. Honestly, I write mostly for myself, as a way to really get the ideas out of my head.  Sometimes they come so fast my hands can't keep up, especially if I try to write it down on paper.  I envision the inside of my brain as Grand Central Station....with trains (of thought) coming from every direction, all day and all night at about 1000mph. 


And I wonder why I can't sleep sometimes. LOL!!  But when I write, it helps me try to focus in on one idea. I see it more like this picture....


Usually it's an idea that God has placed in my spirit like a pebble in my shoe, that keeps coming up over and over until I finally decide to sit down, research it, and pour my heart out about it.

In the end, I have always believed if something I experienced (or write about) helps just one other person....then all the pain, anguish, sleepless nights, storms, and trials were totally worth it!  I believe that God gave me a voice and a story so that I can share it with others to help them through something.  I like to be up front and honest about how I am feeling, what I am thinking, and what I am going through.  Sometimes it's ugly, sometimes it's sad....but it's always truth.

But here's the even awesomer part....I also try my darndest to write about how it all comes out in the end. Whether it's a biblical concept I just didn't understand and had to work through with God's help....or it's the devil poking me and it takes me a little time to see that my God is bigger than anything he can throw at me....I want this to be a place to share my heart, my thoughts, and my testimony.

My new goal is to blog once a week at least (sometimes when I start going I just can't stop!) I want to write about things that puzzle me, things that interest me, things that make me stop and really listen for His voice through it all.  Some weeks it may be a bible verse that has really spoken to me, sometimes it may be a mini rant because the kids are driving me bonkers (let's get real....it happens!), and sometimes it may be the awesomest new twice baked loaded cauliflower recipe (WITH BACON!!) that I found on pinterest.  But I can promise you, every time it will be straight from the heart of a full force  creative nutso crazy mom!


P.S. Here's a hint about my next post....and it probably won't be a whole week before it comes bursting out.  A verse from church service this morning really hit home, so this week I am going to really try to meditate on it, soak it in, and understand what God is saying to ME personally through it.  (Understand....remember grand central station brain....it's REALLY REALLY REALLY hard for me to meditate on anything for more than about 5 seconds at a time!!!)
Anyways, here's the verse....

"But the Lord stands beside me like a great warrior. Before him my persecutors will stumble. They cannot defeat me. They will fail and be thoroughly humiliated. Their dishonor will never be forgotten."  Jeremiah 20:11

Love letter to God

Today on this snow day as I was cleaning up a little in my room, I found a letter I wrote to God a while back. I decided maybe it needed to be shared, maybe just maybe someone else needed to hear it today......

Dear God,
I know there have been plenty of times when I choose not to be near you. I may have been angry or hurt, but I always loved you. I just may not have known how to show it.

God, I try every day to be thankful for everything you do for me, but sometimes "life" gets in the way of that. So today, I want to take a minute and tell you why I love you...
The easiest way I can think to say it is I love you for saving me over and over again through out my life. First and foremost for my salvation, that's a given...but thank you for savings me from a horrible ex-husband. I truly believe that night, March 22, 2011, you saved my life. Your spirit in me helped me to not say anything I would have typically said back to him. If that fight had escalated anymore I don't know what would have happened. So Lord, I love you for saving my physical life. 

I also love you for saving me time and time again from myself. Over and over when I have made the wrong choices, you always in your kind and gentle way bring me back onto the right path.

And finally I love you for saving me for Dean at the right time and place. We were designed by You to be together right now in our lives. This is the family we both always dreamed about and prayed for years for.

So Lord....I love you for always saving me.