I have been trying to write this for a couple of days, but I can't seem to put on paper exactly everything that has been going on lately. Words just can't even begin to describe it. So every time I start trying to write this, I end up stopping and deleting everything that I have already written. So this is attempt #3 I think. I really like to be open with my experiences hoping that it will reach someone, and be helpful in some way. The reason I haven't been able to write this yet was twofold. First, I was worried what some people might think, and secondly I felt like this was different, special, between just me and God. But here's what changed my mind...their is power in the words of our testimony. If God can do this for me, He can does this for anyone. I am hoping that if you read about a real experience that someone you know had with God, then it will mean more and you will seek Him more yourself.
Friday night we were having a special couple there for our regular praise and prayer time. Dean and I had gone last week, and I had an amazing prayer experience, so I wanted to go again to see what happened. It's funny to me, both Friday nights my plan (LOL! I can't even say my plan without cracking up now!), anyways my plan was to just sit back and watch, to see what happened, and then decide how I felt about it. Well, let's just say God had different plans for me again.
We arrived at church about 645pm, I barely had time to get home from work, change my shoes, and we were turning around and heading to church. I was tired to say the least, but I wanted to be there. The spirit was so thick in the sanctuary the minute we walked in. You could literally feel it in the air. We sang a couple of songs, and then the guest speakers talked a few minutes before they started praying and ministering to people. The "concept" for the evening was healing. So I had already decided I didn't really have anything that I needed healing for, so I was still on board with my plan to just hang out and watch. That didn't last for long though. And I am so glad it didn't!
Pastor and I had talked a couple of times that I wanted to be at a point where I could let go off control and just let God overtake me. I wanted to be available to His spirit. So, he walked over to where Dean and I were sitting and leaned down to me to say that I needed to be sure to go up for prayer at some point. But then Pastor laid hands on me and prayed for God to just give me more of Him, to fill me up. Before I could even think about it, I began to laugh, harder that I had ever laughed before, and I just couldn't stop. No matter how hard I tried to get back in control, God was not allowing it in any way, shape, or form. I was literally laying on the floor belly laughing. All I could hear was Pastor continuing to say more Lord, more. I wanted to stop and try to be respectful, but God had different plans. People needed to hear the joy of the Lord overtaking me. But I needed it too, even more than I realized.
For so long church was a place where I was constantly in tears. Between the years with Abigail's heart issues, or dealing with my abusive ex-husband, or the times of being along...I could hardly be at church without flashes of me being on my face somewhere as a blubbering mess. I didn't know church as anything else for many years. God had to put my on face again...but this time to be filled with His joy. It was the most incredible feeling that I have ever had. This is the part where words just can't explain. The happiness that filled me from the inside out was incredible, uncontrollable. No matter what I thought in my mind, I couldn't stop the feeling. As the night went on, all Pastor had to do was look at me and say more...and the laughter would start again. For hours, I was just overwhelmed with it. In fact, the next day I saw that I had busted blood vessels around my eyes from laughing so hard and so much.
I did finally go to one of the guests for prayer and talked to her about my control issues. Her words really struck home for me. She said that control is a spirit, but it is a spirit that I can rebuke, lay it down, and leave it under the feet of Jesus and myself. I have to make a conscience choice to put it down and NOT pick it back up. That is what I want so badly. I want Him to have control of me. I want Him to lead me and me not try to rationalize it away. I ended up being completely overcome by His spirit after prayer with her, and just having to stop and lay down and soak it all in. I was laughing again, and truly just enjoying the happiness He was filling me with. I wanted to stay in that moment forever, and just let Him fill my heart with that incredible JOY!
We went home and I was just in a fog of His presence. He was still just all over my heart, mind, and soul. I had never felt so at peace in my life. I slept like a baby, no crazy dreams, no nightmares. I woke up Saturday morning still feeling Him so close. I wasn't tired, but I was in another world, I was just completely relaxed and in still in His presence. It was incredible!
Another part of the amazement was the feeling of the fire of the Holy Ghost in that place. The very minute I started laughing, my head was so hot. I remember babbling to Dean once that I felt like a candle and my head was the flame. I was completely on fire with the Lord. It was so strong on me, again I can't even explain it. I keep hearing myself say "that's not me" or "that's not in my comfort zone"...and yet I still keep doing things. For example, I have had things said to me before about being involved in healing ministry. For a while I felt like I was going to be part of a spiritual healing ministry at some point, either through my testimony or my writing, but I would have never thought about physical healing being part of my calling. But things changed on Friday night in my mind. We were sitting there in that service, and the Holy Spirit was so thick in the air...all of a sudden I felt God telling me to put my hand on Dean's shoulder and start praying. (Dean had been having some muscle pain in his shoulder for quite a few days) I placed my hand on his shoulder and started praying under my breath. The one thing I remember saying over and over was "I believe you can, and I believe you will". Every time I tried to take my hand off his shoulder, and I thought I was done...God said not yet. I physically could not take my hand off of him. After a while, I felt it was time to stop. As soon as I lifted my hand, Dean said "your hand was on fire". I knew then what God was doing. Needless to say he hasn't said anything else about his back hurting. We got home, trying to get ready for bed, and Dean was saying that he hoped he could relax his mind and just think. God said to me, "do it again". I placed my hands on his head and started to pray again, asking God to clear his mind, and give him Holy rest like he had never experienced before. And again I said, I believe you can and I believe you will. Dean said he could feel a tingling going from my hands to his forehead. He said he thought I was wiggling my fingers on his head. The next morning Dean said he slept so hard for a while that he felt like he lost time.
All of this babbling from my heart to say that God is up to something in me. I may not understand it all yet, but I declare that I am a willing vessel. Fill me up Lord. Bring Your Holy Fire. Continue to bring the Joy. Work in me. Use me. Teach me to do Your work. Clear my mind, so that all I can hear is Your Voice. Take control God. Keep me in the fog of Your Presence.
