Love letter to God

Today on this snow day as I was cleaning up a little in my room, I found a letter I wrote to God a while back. I decided maybe it needed to be shared, maybe just maybe someone else needed to hear it today......

Dear God,
I know there have been plenty of times when I choose not to be near you. I may have been angry or hurt, but I always loved you. I just may not have known how to show it.

God, I try every day to be thankful for everything you do for me, but sometimes "life" gets in the way of that. So today, I want to take a minute and tell you why I love you...
The easiest way I can think to say it is I love you for saving me over and over again through out my life. First and foremost for my salvation, that's a given...but thank you for savings me from a horrible ex-husband. I truly believe that night, March 22, 2011, you saved my life. Your spirit in me helped me to not say anything I would have typically said back to him. If that fight had escalated anymore I don't know what would have happened. So Lord, I love you for saving my physical life. 

I also love you for saving me time and time again from myself. Over and over when I have made the wrong choices, you always in your kind and gentle way bring me back onto the right path.

And finally I love you for saving me for Dean at the right time and place. We were designed by You to be together right now in our lives. This is the family we both always dreamed about and prayed for years for.

So Lord....I love you for always saving me.

More and more and more

I have been trying to write this for a couple of days, but I can't seem to put on paper exactly everything that has been going on lately. Words just can't even begin to describe it. So every time  I start trying to write this, I end up stopping and deleting everything that I have already written. So this is attempt #3 I think. I really like to be open with my experiences hoping that it will reach someone, and be helpful in some way. The reason I haven't been able to write this yet was twofold. First, I was worried what some people might think, and secondly I felt like this was different, special, between just me and God. But here's what changed my mind...their is power in the words of our testimony. If God can do this for me, He can does this for anyone. I am hoping that if you read about a real experience that someone you know had with God, then it will mean more and you will seek Him more yourself.
Friday night we were having a special couple there for our regular praise and prayer time. Dean and I had gone last week, and I had an amazing prayer experience, so I wanted to go again to see what happened. It's funny to me, both Friday nights my plan (LOL! I can't even say my plan without cracking up now!), anyways my plan was to just sit back and watch, to see what happened, and then decide how I felt about it. Well, let's just say God had different plans for me again.

We arrived at church about 645pm, I barely had time to get home from work, change my shoes, and we were turning around and heading to church. I was tired to say the least, but I wanted to be there. The spirit was so thick in the sanctuary the minute we walked in. You could literally feel it in the air. We sang a couple of songs, and then the guest speakers talked a few minutes before they started praying and ministering to people. The "concept" for the evening was healing. So I had already decided I didn't really have anything that I needed healing for, so I was still on board with my plan to just hang out and watch. That didn't last for long though. And I am so glad it didn't!

Pastor and I had talked a couple of times that I wanted to be at a point where I could let go off control and just let God overtake me. I wanted to be available to His spirit. So, he walked over to where Dean and I were sitting and leaned down to me to say that I needed to be sure to go up for prayer at some point. But then Pastor laid hands on me and prayed for God to just give me more of Him, to fill me up.  Before I could even think about it, I began to laugh, harder that I had ever laughed before, and I just couldn't stop. No matter how hard I tried to get back in control, God was not allowing it in any way, shape, or form.  I was literally laying on the floor belly laughing. All I could hear was Pastor continuing to say more Lord, more.  I wanted to stop and try to be respectful, but God had different plans. People needed to hear the joy of the Lord overtaking me. But I needed it too, even more than I realized.

For so long church was a place where I was constantly in tears. Between the years with Abigail's heart issues, or dealing with my abusive ex-husband, or the times of being along...I could hardly be at church without flashes of me being on my face somewhere as a blubbering mess. I didn't know church as anything else for many years. God had to put my on face again...but this time to be filled with His joy. It was the most incredible feeling that I have ever had.  This is the part where words just can't explain. The happiness that filled me from the inside out was incredible, uncontrollable. No matter what I thought in my mind, I couldn't stop the feeling. As the night went on, all Pastor had to do was look at me and say more...and the laughter would start again. For hours, I was just overwhelmed with it. In fact, the next day I saw that I had busted blood vessels around my eyes from laughing so hard and so much.

I did finally go to one of the guests for prayer and talked to her about my control issues. Her words really struck home for me. She said that control is a spirit, but it is a spirit that I can rebuke,  lay it down, and leave it under the feet of Jesus and myself. I have to make a conscience choice to put it down and NOT pick it back up. That is what I want so badly. I want Him to have control of me. I want Him to lead me and me not try to rationalize it away.  I ended up being completely overcome by His spirit after prayer with her, and just having to stop and lay down and soak it all in. I was laughing again, and truly just enjoying the happiness He was filling me with. I wanted to stay in that moment forever, and just let Him fill my heart with that incredible JOY!

We went home and I was just in a fog of His presence. He was still just all over my heart, mind, and soul.  I had never felt so at peace in my life. I slept like a baby, no crazy dreams, no nightmares. I woke up Saturday morning still feeling Him so close. I wasn't tired, but I was in another world, I was just completely relaxed and in still in His presence. It was incredible!

Another part of the amazement was the feeling of the fire of the Holy Ghost in that place. The very minute I started laughing, my head was so hot. I remember babbling to Dean once that I felt like a candle and my head was the flame.  I was completely on fire with the Lord. It was so strong on me, again I can't even explain it. I keep hearing myself say "that's not me" or "that's not in my comfort zone"...and yet I still keep doing things.  For example, I have had things said to me before about being involved in healing ministry.  For a while I felt like I was going to be part of a spiritual healing ministry at some point, either through my testimony or my writing, but I would have never thought about physical healing being part of my calling. But things changed on Friday night in my mind. We were sitting there in that service, and the Holy Spirit was so thick in the air...all of a sudden I felt God telling me to put my hand on Dean's shoulder and start praying. (Dean had been having some muscle pain in his shoulder for quite a few days) I placed my hand on his shoulder and started praying under my breath. The one thing I remember saying over and over was "I believe you can, and I believe you will". Every time I tried to take my hand off his shoulder, and I thought I was done...God said not yet. I physically could not take my hand off of him. After a while, I felt it was time to stop. As soon as I lifted my hand, Dean said "your hand was on fire". I knew then what God was doing. Needless to say he hasn't said anything else about his back hurting. We got home, trying to get ready for bed, and Dean was saying that he hoped he could relax his mind and just think. God said to me, "do it again". I placed my hands on his head and started to pray again, asking God to clear his mind, and give him Holy rest like he had never experienced before. And again I said, I believe you can and I believe you will. Dean said he could feel a tingling going from my hands to his forehead. He said he thought I was wiggling my fingers on his head.  The next morning Dean said he slept so hard for a while that he felt like he lost time.

All of this babbling from my heart to say that God is up to something in me. I may not understand it all yet, but I declare that I am a willing vessel. Fill me up Lord. Bring Your Holy Fire. Continue to bring the Joy. Work in me. Use me. Teach me to do Your work. Clear my mind, so that all I can hear is Your Voice. Take control God. Keep me in the fog of Your Presence.

All of Him, and All of Me

I know it's been a while since I have blogged, but today I really felt lead to share of all that's been going on with me. I have had an amazing few days in the presence of the Lord, so much of Him that I can't even believe it. I wanted to take some time today to write it all down for me, but also to share it with you. There is strength in all of us sharing what He does in us, through us, and for us. 

I have been wanting more of Him for a while now.  But at the same time, I am sort of afraid to ask Him for it. Not sure what He would do, or how He would show up, or how He would shake me up. If you know me at all, you know I am sort of a like to be in control of things. LOL! Things have to be "just so" for me to handle it. I honestly want God to overtake me, but my flesh in the past hasn't been able to let go enough to allow it. I'm even having a hard time writing this now without feeling sick to my stomach. I don't like feeling out of control. I mean for crying out loud, I don't even like my food to touch other food on my plate, that's a control freak people!!! But I want more of Him.

So let me just say my God is so amazingly gracious. He knows me so well, and loves me so much, that He knows can't just drop all of Himself on me at once. But this week He did give me 5 rock solid words through an incredibly powerful prayer time Friday night at Rapha House. I want to dig into each of them a little deeper, so I can hold on tight to them. 

Peace...He continues to remind me that I can rest in His peace. That I can have peace in my thoughts.  My mind moves so fast all the time and in so many directions that I can't handle it some days, most days in fact.  He is trying to show me how to slow down and be at peace in Him. Psalm 29:11 says "The Lord gives strength to his people, the Lord blesses his people with peace." The is definitely an ongoing process for me, a transformation of my mind and how it works.  He wants to show me that I can be strong while still at peace. I just have to slow down and allow Him to take control.

Safe...this word He surprised me with, it was something that I didn't realize I was still hurting from. He spoke to me very clearly by saying through a sweet, gentle hearted lady that I was safe with Him. I didn't think I needed to be reminded of this, but it touched my heart so when she said it.  My history with the men in my life has not been so great to say the least, from my absent biological dad to my abusive ex husband, let's just say I have trouble trusting men. I didn't think I could trust anyone again. In fact until Dean came into my life, I don't think I ever felt complete trust for another human being. But God whispered to me to remember I am always safe with Him.  I worry many days about retaliation from my ex-husband one day....but God gently reminds me that I will always be safe in His arms. Psalm 16:1 says "Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge." That's it, I want to take refuge in Him.

Restoration...this is a good one, that He freely offers every day, why do I continue to forget it? Another word spoken over me this weekend was that all the years that were taken from me will be restored. Psalm 80:7 says "Restore us, God Almighty; make your face shine on us, that we may be saved." Restore and beyond...He wants to give me more than was taken away by the enemy. And so far, He has proven this over and over. I am beyond blessed by the Godly marriage I have with Dean. God has already restored dreams for my life that I thought were dead and gone and He continues that work in my life every day.

Acceptance...this is another one of those words that I didn't know that I needed, but it broke my heart and put it back together in a new loving way in just a moment. The women at Rapha House accept me for who am I, no matter what that includes. For the first time, I feel like I am loved as a peer, not looked down on as a just another person in the church. It warms my heart more than I could ever say. Every woman wants to feel loved and accepted, and women are usually the hardest judge on each other.  So to feel I was welcomed within the woman of Rapha House is so important for me and my growth in His presence.  There are some amazingly strong Godly women in this church, woman who walk in His presence every day, and I can't wait to learn more from each of them.

Catch...this one make take a little more explaining but I love it with all my heart!! God wants to encourage my desire and my heart to help our children CATCH the fever that I have for praise and worship. That spirit, that anointing, that love is contagious and I definitely want the children at Rapha House to catch it! I don't want them to just learn a song, or a dance, or words...I want them to learn to be worshippers at heart at an early age.

So, the words that I will cling to as I go back to the world after an amazing few days with the Lord are PEACE, SAFE, RESTORATION, ACCEPTANCE, AND CATCH. I keep writing them everywhere I go....on the shower doors in the steam, on every little notebook I have, on a piece of paper posted to my computer at work, and on my heart.  Thank you Lord for speaking to me and graciously loving me. 

Acts 25 & 26....Hope and belief

I am headed back to work tomorrow, but I wanted to be sure that I finished out my study in Acts. So I decided tonight to read 2 chapters.  The story at this point is about Paul going before mutiple courts for the charges brought against him by a group of Jews. As he is presenting his case, there are 2 phrases that I really want to cling to today.

The first is in Acts 6:6....
"And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trail today."

My hope in what God has promised...wow! Doesn't that sound wonderful? Hope is defined as looking forward to with desire and confidence. Confidence...I love that word. I want to have confidence in what God has told me every day.  Some days my doubting flesh gets in the way. I want to beleive, I want to listen, I want to walk in it.

The second verse was Acts 6:8....
"Why should any of you considerit incredible that God raises the dead?"

God can do everything, any way He wants to, beyond our expectations, above what we can ever imagine. Then why do we question Him so often? Why do we stand in disbelief? Why don't we know without a doubt that He can still perform miracles today? He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

He who was, and is, and is to come!!!

Acts 24...Share your faith

"Several days later Felix cam with his wife Drusilla, who was Jewish. He sent for Paul and listened to him as he spoke about faith in Christ Jesus. As Paul talked about righteousness, self-control and the judgment to come, Felix was afraid and said, "That's enough for now! You may leave. When I find it convenient, I will send for you." Acts 24:24-25

To me this is short, simple, and to the point....there will always be an opportunity for you to share your faith. Someone is always watching and listening to you, whether you know it or not. We cannot be afraid to stand up and stand out. We have to be brave enough to tell people about our journey with Him, our Savior. Because in the end, they may be scared, and they may even tell you to stop....but they want more. Don't we all??

As this story progresses, Felix calls for Paul many times after this encounter. Understand this though...Felix also had horrible motives at the same time, he was silently hoping that Paul would offer him a bribe to free him from prison. But he still listened every time as Paul spoke. FOR 2 YEARS this went on. 2 YEARS!!!!! He wanted to know what it was that made Paul different, what made him love the way he loved, and live the way he lived, and talk the way he talked.

Lord, please....if there is someone that You have placed in my path for me to speak to, help me to always recognize it. I want to help people, heal their hearts, show them there is a better way., by knowing You. I want to always be open to Your Spirit. Amen.

Acts 23...Stand up!!

"Paul looked straight at the Sanhedrin and said, "My brothers, I have fullfilled my duty to God in all good conscience to this day." Acts 23:1

I couldn't even get past the first verse today. LOL! That struck me. He could stand before his accusers and honestly say I have done everything that God has asked me to do up to today. Can I? Can I say that I have always listened to Him, and done what He said for me to do?

The simple answer is no, I have in my past been young, dumb, and hardheaded.  I think we can all probably say that about some time in our life, right? I was too stupid to listen as He said, "Hey Libby, not that way, follow the path I showed you before." But I want to stand up and say today, that I will follow Him anywhere. He has shown me so much favor over the last year, how can I not follow Him? I want to show Him that I am overwhelmed with His love, and wanting to show my gratitude by doing everything He asks of me.

And here in verse 11 is why....
"The following night the Lord stood near Paul and said, "Take courage! As you have testified about me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome."

For me, this verse reminds me that if I am willing to stand up for Him....He will stand up for me always.

Lord, I want to follow after Your heart everyday of my life. I want to do what you would have me to do always. Lead, guide, and direct me please. I want to stand up for You, because I know that You will always stand up for me. Amen.

Acts 22....KAPOW!!!

"About noon as I came near Damascus, suddenly a bright light from heaven flashed around me. I fell to the ground and heard a voice...the brillance of the light had blinded me." 
Acts 22:6, 7a, 11b

How big of a light would it finally take for me to hear what God has to say to me? Would I have to be completely blind to be able to stop and really listen? How heavy does the rock have to be that hits me in the head?

I don't want to be so dense that I miss out of on the things that He has for me.

Lord, I love you. Today continue to reveal your face to me. I want to walk in the path that you have set before. I want to do what you would have me to do. Thank you for smiling on me. Amen.