Everything is a Choice

I know some of you probably saw on facebook this morning that I walked at Patton Park today. I really...I mean really....didn't want to.  I came up with every excuse in the book to not go....I needed to start work early, I was hungry and weak, I needed to do laundry, I wanted coffee first, I didn't have time, I didn't want to walk alone, that park was sketchy...you name it, I thought of it.  But eventually I decided I was already up, and dressed, and going out to take the girls to school, and I had to drive right past that park to come home, so I just as well go. So I did...kicking and screaming (on the inside) but I did.  I pushed myself more than I had in a long time, probably since my back surgery a couple of years ago, and walked 2 miles. Doesn't sound like much really, but to me it was a huge victory.  After 2 laps around the park, my left hip started hurting really badly.  I kept trying to talk myself into stopping. But I pushed through to a third lap.  It still hurt....I even had a little old guy look at me with sympathy as I was holding my hand on my hip as I walked by him. That almost through me over the edge, and sent me running straight back to my car.  But I didn't.  I decided to keep going, and I finished 4 laps,  equal to 2 miles. I made the CHOICE to push through. To push through the excuses, all the reasons not to, even the pain, to do something that I knew in the end was good for me. I have been really trying hard to make better choices for my physical body lately. Eating better, no sodas, really cutting down on sugar, only drinking water, and walking.  Do I like any of it? Of course not. But in the end, someone said to me to consider the whys.  Why do I do this? Not to lose weight necessarily, but because I want to live longer with my children and husband. I want to be more able to do things with them.  I want to be more confident in who I am.  I want to feel good in my own skin again. That's why I choose to eat better and exercise.

 Ecclesiastes 10:2 says "A wise person chooses the right road; a fool takes the wrong one."  I know that eating whatever I want, whenever I want is going to end badly. Yes I know I am going to die anyways....but will it be as a healthy, loving life, vibrant 95 year old, or as a diabetic, wheezing, unable to walk on her own 60 year old? I have to choose my path.

Job 22:28 says "You will succeed in whatever you choose to do, and light will shine on the road ahead of you."  Here's the thing...I believe wholeheartedly that if I make the right choices, God is going to bless my effort.  He will make it work even better than I could do on my own.  And here's the biggest and bestest part....EVERYTHING in life boils down to a choice. Really think about that for a moment....

I can choose to get up on time and get to work and be a light there for Jesus, and lead by example.

I can choose to not go to Krispy Kreme in the morning, and instead eat oatmeal at home before leaving so I'm not as tempted as I drive by.

I can choose to drink a cup of coffee at home with splenda and low fat cream, instead of the million calorie $5 latte from Starbucks.

I can choose to have lunch at home and save the $8 I would spend eating out, and instead put it towards a date night with my sweet hubby.

Here's where it gets real....

I can choose every day to spend time with Jesus. Quiet time. Real time alone. To grow my relationship with my Father. So He can truly say that He knows who I am, and I know who He is.

I can choose every day to love on my children. To make a point to hug them and kiss them and tell them how awesome they are no matter how they may be acting that particular day.

I can choose every day to put my spouse's needs before mine.  To make it a priority to take care of him. To show him just what he means to me. To work on our marriage DAILY and not take it for granted. To know that he is a gift, not a right.

I can choose every day not to complain about anything to anyone. To only say positive things. The power of life and death is in the tongue. I want to choose LIFE, and be that kind of example in the world. To be different than everyone else because I have the love of Jesus in my heart.

I can choose every day to be in the business of serving God in some way. Whether its volunteering in the children's ministry, working in the parking lot, or cleaning toilets. I will choose to just do what needs to be done. Period.

So today....who do you choose to be? If you don't like who you are, where you are, or what you are doing....decide TODAY to CHANGE! Be different!  One small change is all it takes to set your life, your job, your marriage, your family, your outlook on life, on a different path forever. You can choose which direction your life will go.

And here's the best part of all....God is patiently waiting for you to just ask His opinion. He wants to show you the choice that is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for you. The one the He created just for you. But as I have always said, He is a gentleman, He will never force a choice on you, or push you down a path. He gives us a choice, every time.


You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. (Matthew 7:13)

Choose my instruction rather than silver, and knowledge rather than pure gold. (Proverbs 8:10)

Who are those who fear the Lord? He will show them the path they should choose. (Psalm 25:12)

What do you choose???

There's a warrior by my side!

For almost a week I have sat each day looking at this verse....

I repeat some of the highlighted words over and over....BESIDE....WARRIOR.....BESIDE WARRIOR...BESIDE...WARRIOR.

On Tuesday I even looked up the exact definition for each word.  Beside, according to dictionary.com, is "by or at the side of, near". Warrior is "a person engaged or experienced in warfare, a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness." Ok he is near, and he is courageous. That still didn't really get my juices flowing yet.  I knew that stuff. I kept looking at it over and over again.  I understood it with my mind, but did my heart really believe it? At my core, did I truly believe that God has it all under control?

For those of you who haven't read or heard much of my story before, I have struggled a lot with fear.  Jesus is working with me on this daily, I can say I am trying to let it go, but where I come from it's very hard.  My ex husband (the girls' father) was abusive, mentally, emotionally, and eventually physically.  For years of our marriage, he threatened if I did anything "out of line", he would take the girls and disappear, that I would never see or hear from any of them again.  So in my "damaged" mind the night I finally stood up for myself and called the police, I just knew that I knew that I knew, that as soon as he had a chance (whether it was in a couple of days, or years from then) he would come grab the girls, kill me and then run and hide.  I am not so much afraid for my safety, as I am for theirs. As a mother, that's the fear that sticks with you. SO yeah, I struggle with fear.  We have not seen or heard from him in over 4 years....which in a way scares me a little more, because I have no idea where he is, what he is thinking, or what he is planning. For a LONG time, I looked over my shoulder every minute of every day waiting for him to show back up.

Most days, I can keep it at bay.  I don't even consider it, it doesn't come into my mind.  But occasionally, the devil will put something in my path to throw me right back to that time, that moment, that feeling, that fear.  I typically would have chosen to chase the 5000 what if rabbits down their perspective holes. Instead, as of late, I am doing my best to speak scripture to those thoughts. Even if I can't remember the entire scripture, or the exact reference, I throw everything I've got at the devil and his pokes.

I even created what I am calling my declarations board (at the suggestion of a good friend, THANK YOU!!!) It's in my office, I try to look at it every day. To remind myself who HE says I am, of who I want to be.  I also have verses written that I can use against the devil in the battle for my mind.  Here's a picture, take a look. I highly suggest you make your own.  I even made a little one for my sweet hubby for his office. 

(Scriptures referenced: Psalm 4:8, Philippians 4:-9, Jeremiah 29:11, Matthew 6;34, Numbers 6:24-26, Jude 1:2, Psalm 91, Proverbs 31:10-31, Proverbs 14:30, Exodus 33:14, Psalm 23)

So back on track with my original verse (Jeremiah 20:11)..... during our night of worship at church on Wednesday, I got lost in a song called "Let it Rain". Take a look at the lyrics....

I feel the rain of Your love

I feel the winds of Your spirit

Now the heartbeat of heaven let us hear.

Let it rain, let it rain

open the floodgates of heaven

As I stood there on stage playing bass and singing, I started to really think about those words and what they meant to me.  I thought about the refreshing feel of rain on your face on a hot day, or the cool breeze across the ocean on a summer morning.  It hit me like a brick to the head that is what He is trying to do for me.  To calm my spirit, to release me from my fears, to be that refreshing breeze to my soul. As I started to weep, right there on stage....as I did, He flooded me more and more with His voice.  He lead me straight back to my verse for the week....He said I stand BESIDE you Libby as a WARRIOR. He made it personal.  My mind began to wander about walking with Him, and how that would feel.  I imagined that if He was truly walking beside me, His voice speaking to me in a gentle tone would soothe me.  The steady beat of His heart that I could feel as He held my hand would slow my anxieties. His gentle nudge to keep me on His path, guiding me ever so softly towards what He has planned for me.  The entire thought was so amazing, and vivid in my mind's eye.  Then He said now picture all of that as a flood, and I am opening the gates to pour THAT kind of protection, and peace, and happiness, and blessing, and anointing, and purpose all on you Libby. At this point, of course if you know me at all you know what's next....I was a blubbering puddle on the floor.  I had never felt so much call on my life. It was completely overwhelming. I had never felt such peace, such safety, such protection before. I now understood, and believed what Jeremiah 20:11 said....But the LORD stands beside ME like a great warrior.  But the difference.....All week long...I was emphasizing the wrong words. 

Return to writing....

Hello to anyone out there who chooses to read this. Honestly, I write mostly for myself, as a way to really get the ideas out of my head.  Sometimes they come so fast my hands can't keep up, especially if I try to write it down on paper.  I envision the inside of my brain as Grand Central Station....with trains (of thought) coming from every direction, all day and all night at about 1000mph. 


And I wonder why I can't sleep sometimes. LOL!!  But when I write, it helps me try to focus in on one idea. I see it more like this picture....


Usually it's an idea that God has placed in my spirit like a pebble in my shoe, that keeps coming up over and over until I finally decide to sit down, research it, and pour my heart out about it.

In the end, I have always believed if something I experienced (or write about) helps just one other person....then all the pain, anguish, sleepless nights, storms, and trials were totally worth it!  I believe that God gave me a voice and a story so that I can share it with others to help them through something.  I like to be up front and honest about how I am feeling, what I am thinking, and what I am going through.  Sometimes it's ugly, sometimes it's sad....but it's always truth.

But here's the even awesomer part....I also try my darndest to write about how it all comes out in the end. Whether it's a biblical concept I just didn't understand and had to work through with God's help....or it's the devil poking me and it takes me a little time to see that my God is bigger than anything he can throw at me....I want this to be a place to share my heart, my thoughts, and my testimony.

My new goal is to blog once a week at least (sometimes when I start going I just can't stop!) I want to write about things that puzzle me, things that interest me, things that make me stop and really listen for His voice through it all.  Some weeks it may be a bible verse that has really spoken to me, sometimes it may be a mini rant because the kids are driving me bonkers (let's get real....it happens!), and sometimes it may be the awesomest new twice baked loaded cauliflower recipe (WITH BACON!!) that I found on pinterest.  But I can promise you, every time it will be straight from the heart of a full force  creative nutso crazy mom!


P.S. Here's a hint about my next post....and it probably won't be a whole week before it comes bursting out.  A verse from church service this morning really hit home, so this week I am going to really try to meditate on it, soak it in, and understand what God is saying to ME personally through it.  (Understand....remember grand central station brain....it's REALLY REALLY REALLY hard for me to meditate on anything for more than about 5 seconds at a time!!!)
Anyways, here's the verse....

"But the Lord stands beside me like a great warrior. Before him my persecutors will stumble. They cannot defeat me. They will fail and be thoroughly humiliated. Their dishonor will never be forgotten."  Jeremiah 20:11

Love letter to God

Today on this snow day as I was cleaning up a little in my room, I found a letter I wrote to God a while back. I decided maybe it needed to be shared, maybe just maybe someone else needed to hear it today......

Dear God,
I know there have been plenty of times when I choose not to be near you. I may have been angry or hurt, but I always loved you. I just may not have known how to show it.

God, I try every day to be thankful for everything you do for me, but sometimes "life" gets in the way of that. So today, I want to take a minute and tell you why I love you...
The easiest way I can think to say it is I love you for saving me over and over again through out my life. First and foremost for my salvation, that's a given...but thank you for savings me from a horrible ex-husband. I truly believe that night, March 22, 2011, you saved my life. Your spirit in me helped me to not say anything I would have typically said back to him. If that fight had escalated anymore I don't know what would have happened. So Lord, I love you for saving my physical life. 

I also love you for saving me time and time again from myself. Over and over when I have made the wrong choices, you always in your kind and gentle way bring me back onto the right path.

And finally I love you for saving me for Dean at the right time and place. We were designed by You to be together right now in our lives. This is the family we both always dreamed about and prayed for years for.

So Lord....I love you for always saving me.

More and more and more

I have been trying to write this for a couple of days, but I can't seem to put on paper exactly everything that has been going on lately. Words just can't even begin to describe it. So every time  I start trying to write this, I end up stopping and deleting everything that I have already written. So this is attempt #3 I think. I really like to be open with my experiences hoping that it will reach someone, and be helpful in some way. The reason I haven't been able to write this yet was twofold. First, I was worried what some people might think, and secondly I felt like this was different, special, between just me and God. But here's what changed my mind...their is power in the words of our testimony. If God can do this for me, He can does this for anyone. I am hoping that if you read about a real experience that someone you know had with God, then it will mean more and you will seek Him more yourself.
Friday night we were having a special couple there for our regular praise and prayer time. Dean and I had gone last week, and I had an amazing prayer experience, so I wanted to go again to see what happened. It's funny to me, both Friday nights my plan (LOL! I can't even say my plan without cracking up now!), anyways my plan was to just sit back and watch, to see what happened, and then decide how I felt about it. Well, let's just say God had different plans for me again.

We arrived at church about 645pm, I barely had time to get home from work, change my shoes, and we were turning around and heading to church. I was tired to say the least, but I wanted to be there. The spirit was so thick in the sanctuary the minute we walked in. You could literally feel it in the air. We sang a couple of songs, and then the guest speakers talked a few minutes before they started praying and ministering to people. The "concept" for the evening was healing. So I had already decided I didn't really have anything that I needed healing for, so I was still on board with my plan to just hang out and watch. That didn't last for long though. And I am so glad it didn't!

Pastor and I had talked a couple of times that I wanted to be at a point where I could let go off control and just let God overtake me. I wanted to be available to His spirit. So, he walked over to where Dean and I were sitting and leaned down to me to say that I needed to be sure to go up for prayer at some point. But then Pastor laid hands on me and prayed for God to just give me more of Him, to fill me up.  Before I could even think about it, I began to laugh, harder that I had ever laughed before, and I just couldn't stop. No matter how hard I tried to get back in control, God was not allowing it in any way, shape, or form.  I was literally laying on the floor belly laughing. All I could hear was Pastor continuing to say more Lord, more.  I wanted to stop and try to be respectful, but God had different plans. People needed to hear the joy of the Lord overtaking me. But I needed it too, even more than I realized.

For so long church was a place where I was constantly in tears. Between the years with Abigail's heart issues, or dealing with my abusive ex-husband, or the times of being along...I could hardly be at church without flashes of me being on my face somewhere as a blubbering mess. I didn't know church as anything else for many years. God had to put my on face again...but this time to be filled with His joy. It was the most incredible feeling that I have ever had.  This is the part where words just can't explain. The happiness that filled me from the inside out was incredible, uncontrollable. No matter what I thought in my mind, I couldn't stop the feeling. As the night went on, all Pastor had to do was look at me and say more...and the laughter would start again. For hours, I was just overwhelmed with it. In fact, the next day I saw that I had busted blood vessels around my eyes from laughing so hard and so much.

I did finally go to one of the guests for prayer and talked to her about my control issues. Her words really struck home for me. She said that control is a spirit, but it is a spirit that I can rebuke,  lay it down, and leave it under the feet of Jesus and myself. I have to make a conscience choice to put it down and NOT pick it back up. That is what I want so badly. I want Him to have control of me. I want Him to lead me and me not try to rationalize it away.  I ended up being completely overcome by His spirit after prayer with her, and just having to stop and lay down and soak it all in. I was laughing again, and truly just enjoying the happiness He was filling me with. I wanted to stay in that moment forever, and just let Him fill my heart with that incredible JOY!

We went home and I was just in a fog of His presence. He was still just all over my heart, mind, and soul.  I had never felt so at peace in my life. I slept like a baby, no crazy dreams, no nightmares. I woke up Saturday morning still feeling Him so close. I wasn't tired, but I was in another world, I was just completely relaxed and in still in His presence. It was incredible!

Another part of the amazement was the feeling of the fire of the Holy Ghost in that place. The very minute I started laughing, my head was so hot. I remember babbling to Dean once that I felt like a candle and my head was the flame.  I was completely on fire with the Lord. It was so strong on me, again I can't even explain it. I keep hearing myself say "that's not me" or "that's not in my comfort zone"...and yet I still keep doing things.  For example, I have had things said to me before about being involved in healing ministry.  For a while I felt like I was going to be part of a spiritual healing ministry at some point, either through my testimony or my writing, but I would have never thought about physical healing being part of my calling. But things changed on Friday night in my mind. We were sitting there in that service, and the Holy Spirit was so thick in the air...all of a sudden I felt God telling me to put my hand on Dean's shoulder and start praying. (Dean had been having some muscle pain in his shoulder for quite a few days) I placed my hand on his shoulder and started praying under my breath. The one thing I remember saying over and over was "I believe you can, and I believe you will". Every time I tried to take my hand off his shoulder, and I thought I was done...God said not yet. I physically could not take my hand off of him. After a while, I felt it was time to stop. As soon as I lifted my hand, Dean said "your hand was on fire". I knew then what God was doing. Needless to say he hasn't said anything else about his back hurting. We got home, trying to get ready for bed, and Dean was saying that he hoped he could relax his mind and just think. God said to me, "do it again". I placed my hands on his head and started to pray again, asking God to clear his mind, and give him Holy rest like he had never experienced before. And again I said, I believe you can and I believe you will. Dean said he could feel a tingling going from my hands to his forehead. He said he thought I was wiggling my fingers on his head.  The next morning Dean said he slept so hard for a while that he felt like he lost time.

All of this babbling from my heart to say that God is up to something in me. I may not understand it all yet, but I declare that I am a willing vessel. Fill me up Lord. Bring Your Holy Fire. Continue to bring the Joy. Work in me. Use me. Teach me to do Your work. Clear my mind, so that all I can hear is Your Voice. Take control God. Keep me in the fog of Your Presence.

All of Him, and All of Me

I know it's been a while since I have blogged, but today I really felt lead to share of all that's been going on with me. I have had an amazing few days in the presence of the Lord, so much of Him that I can't even believe it. I wanted to take some time today to write it all down for me, but also to share it with you. There is strength in all of us sharing what He does in us, through us, and for us. 

I have been wanting more of Him for a while now.  But at the same time, I am sort of afraid to ask Him for it. Not sure what He would do, or how He would show up, or how He would shake me up. If you know me at all, you know I am sort of a like to be in control of things. LOL! Things have to be "just so" for me to handle it. I honestly want God to overtake me, but my flesh in the past hasn't been able to let go enough to allow it. I'm even having a hard time writing this now without feeling sick to my stomach. I don't like feeling out of control. I mean for crying out loud, I don't even like my food to touch other food on my plate, that's a control freak people!!! But I want more of Him.

So let me just say my God is so amazingly gracious. He knows me so well, and loves me so much, that He knows can't just drop all of Himself on me at once. But this week He did give me 5 rock solid words through an incredibly powerful prayer time Friday night at Rapha House. I want to dig into each of them a little deeper, so I can hold on tight to them. 

Peace...He continues to remind me that I can rest in His peace. That I can have peace in my thoughts.  My mind moves so fast all the time and in so many directions that I can't handle it some days, most days in fact.  He is trying to show me how to slow down and be at peace in Him. Psalm 29:11 says "The Lord gives strength to his people, the Lord blesses his people with peace." The is definitely an ongoing process for me, a transformation of my mind and how it works.  He wants to show me that I can be strong while still at peace. I just have to slow down and allow Him to take control.

Safe...this word He surprised me with, it was something that I didn't realize I was still hurting from. He spoke to me very clearly by saying through a sweet, gentle hearted lady that I was safe with Him. I didn't think I needed to be reminded of this, but it touched my heart so when she said it.  My history with the men in my life has not been so great to say the least, from my absent biological dad to my abusive ex husband, let's just say I have trouble trusting men. I didn't think I could trust anyone again. In fact until Dean came into my life, I don't think I ever felt complete trust for another human being. But God whispered to me to remember I am always safe with Him.  I worry many days about retaliation from my ex-husband one day....but God gently reminds me that I will always be safe in His arms. Psalm 16:1 says "Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge." That's it, I want to take refuge in Him.

Restoration...this is a good one, that He freely offers every day, why do I continue to forget it? Another word spoken over me this weekend was that all the years that were taken from me will be restored. Psalm 80:7 says "Restore us, God Almighty; make your face shine on us, that we may be saved." Restore and beyond...He wants to give me more than was taken away by the enemy. And so far, He has proven this over and over. I am beyond blessed by the Godly marriage I have with Dean. God has already restored dreams for my life that I thought were dead and gone and He continues that work in my life every day.

Acceptance...this is another one of those words that I didn't know that I needed, but it broke my heart and put it back together in a new loving way in just a moment. The women at Rapha House accept me for who am I, no matter what that includes. For the first time, I feel like I am loved as a peer, not looked down on as a just another person in the church. It warms my heart more than I could ever say. Every woman wants to feel loved and accepted, and women are usually the hardest judge on each other.  So to feel I was welcomed within the woman of Rapha House is so important for me and my growth in His presence.  There are some amazingly strong Godly women in this church, woman who walk in His presence every day, and I can't wait to learn more from each of them.

Catch...this one make take a little more explaining but I love it with all my heart!! God wants to encourage my desire and my heart to help our children CATCH the fever that I have for praise and worship. That spirit, that anointing, that love is contagious and I definitely want the children at Rapha House to catch it! I don't want them to just learn a song, or a dance, or words...I want them to learn to be worshippers at heart at an early age.

So, the words that I will cling to as I go back to the world after an amazing few days with the Lord are PEACE, SAFE, RESTORATION, ACCEPTANCE, AND CATCH. I keep writing them everywhere I go....on the shower doors in the steam, on every little notebook I have, on a piece of paper posted to my computer at work, and on my heart.  Thank you Lord for speaking to me and graciously loving me. 

Acts 25 & 26....Hope and belief

I am headed back to work tomorrow, but I wanted to be sure that I finished out my study in Acts. So I decided tonight to read 2 chapters.  The story at this point is about Paul going before mutiple courts for the charges brought against him by a group of Jews. As he is presenting his case, there are 2 phrases that I really want to cling to today.

The first is in Acts 6:6....
"And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trail today."

My hope in what God has promised...wow! Doesn't that sound wonderful? Hope is defined as looking forward to with desire and confidence. Confidence...I love that word. I want to have confidence in what God has told me every day.  Some days my doubting flesh gets in the way. I want to beleive, I want to listen, I want to walk in it.

The second verse was Acts 6:8....
"Why should any of you considerit incredible that God raises the dead?"

God can do everything, any way He wants to, beyond our expectations, above what we can ever imagine. Then why do we question Him so often? Why do we stand in disbelief? Why don't we know without a doubt that He can still perform miracles today? He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

He who was, and is, and is to come!!!