For almost a week I have sat each day looking at this verse....
I repeat some of the highlighted words over and over....BESIDE....WARRIOR.....BESIDE WARRIOR...BESIDE...WARRIOR.
On Tuesday I even looked up the exact definition for each word. Beside, according to dictionary.com, is "by or at the side of, near". Warrior is "a person engaged or experienced in warfare, a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness." Ok he is near, and he is courageous. That still didn't really get my juices flowing yet. I knew that stuff. I kept looking at it over and over again. I understood it with my mind, but did my heart really believe it? At my core, did I truly believe that God has it all under control?
For those of you who haven't read or heard much of my story before, I have struggled a lot with fear. Jesus is working with me on this daily, I can say I am trying to let it go, but where I come from it's very hard. My ex husband (the girls' father) was abusive, mentally, emotionally, and eventually physically. For years of our marriage, he threatened if I did anything "out of line", he would take the girls and disappear, that I would never see or hear from any of them again. So in my "damaged" mind the night I finally stood up for myself and called the police, I just knew that I knew that I knew, that as soon as he had a chance (whether it was in a couple of days, or years from then) he would come grab the girls, kill me and then run and hide. I am not so much afraid for my safety, as I am for theirs. As a mother, that's the fear that sticks with you. SO yeah, I struggle with fear. We have not seen or heard from him in over 4 years....which in a way scares me a little more, because I have no idea where he is, what he is thinking, or what he is planning. For a LONG time, I looked over my shoulder every minute of every day waiting for him to show back up.
Most days, I can keep it at bay. I don't even consider it, it doesn't come into my mind. But occasionally, the devil will put something in my path to throw me right back to that time, that moment, that feeling, that fear. I typically would have chosen to chase the 5000 what if rabbits down their perspective holes. Instead, as of late, I am doing my best to speak scripture to those thoughts. Even if I can't remember the entire scripture, or the exact reference, I throw everything I've got at the devil and his pokes.
I even created what I am calling my declarations board (at the suggestion of a good friend, THANK YOU!!!) It's in my office, I try to look at it every day. To remind myself who HE says I am, of who I want to be. I also have verses written that I can use against the devil in the battle for my mind. Here's a picture, take a look. I highly suggest you make your own. I even made a little one for my sweet hubby for his office.
(Scriptures referenced: Psalm 4:8, Philippians 4:-9, Jeremiah 29:11, Matthew 6;34, Numbers 6:24-26, Jude 1:2, Psalm 91, Proverbs 31:10-31, Proverbs 14:30, Exodus 33:14, Psalm 23)
So back on track with my original verse (Jeremiah 20:11)..... during our night of worship at church on Wednesday, I got lost in a song called "Let it Rain". Take a look at the lyrics....
I feel the rain of Your love
I feel the winds of Your spirit
Now the heartbeat of heaven let us hear.
Let it rain, let it rain
open the floodgates of heaven
As I stood there on stage playing bass and singing, I started to really think about those words and what they meant to me. I thought about the refreshing feel of rain on your face on a hot day, or the cool breeze across the ocean on a summer morning. It hit me like a brick to the head that is what He is trying to do for me. To calm my spirit, to release me from my fears, to be that refreshing breeze to my soul. As I started to weep, right there on stage....as I did, He flooded me more and more with His voice. He lead me straight back to my verse for the week....He said I stand BESIDE you Libby as a WARRIOR. He made it personal. My mind began to wander about walking with Him, and how that would feel. I imagined that if He was truly walking beside me, His voice speaking to me in a gentle tone would soothe me. The steady beat of His heart that I could feel as He held my hand would slow my anxieties. His gentle nudge to keep me on His path, guiding me ever so softly towards what He has planned for me. The entire thought was so amazing, and vivid in my mind's eye. Then He said now picture all of that as a flood, and I am opening the gates to pour THAT kind of protection, and peace, and happiness, and blessing, and anointing, and purpose all on you Libby. At this point, of course if you know me at all you know what's next....I was a blubbering puddle on the floor. I had never felt so much call on my life. It was completely overwhelming. I had never felt such peace, such safety, such protection before. I now understood, and believed what Jeremiah 20:11 said....But the LORD stands beside ME like a great warrior. But the difference.....All week long...I was emphasizing the wrong words.
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