I have to take a few moments to brag on my sweet sweet hubby today. So if you don't like mushy gushy love stories, you might want to just look away.....
I am away this week at Camp Dayspring with my bestie doing what we do best....loving on kiddos!! We are having a blast! I am wore out, but still loving it! We have cooked, cleaned, swept, sweated, feed kids, talked with kids....but the best part for me, is doing worship with these adorable children. I got to be a part of Vertical Worship (our church's youth praise team) this week by doing the motions for worship. These kids are soaking it up!!! They love worshipping the Lord. They were told this week by one of the band members that worship was not meant to be boring, God wanted us to dance and sing and have fun doing it. And we totally are!!! I love leading kids in worship. I am 100% absolutely, positively doing exactly what I was made to do!
But here's the most important part....I couldn't be, or wouldn't be doing any of this if it weren't for my wonderful husband Dean. He is my biggest fan. He is my encourager. He is a voice straight from heaven for me. God speaks to me through this man all the time, when I don't always listen for myself. He kept pushing me and pushing me until I finally listened and asked Chasity if I could start helping upstairs with our kids ministry. The very first time I was up there, I knew I was in the right place. But I kept fighting it. Saying I didn't want to do stop being part of worship in "big" church. I wanted to stay connected, and be a part. But Dean consistantly said, "but that's not where you are supposed to be". He was always sweet about it, never pushed, but kept encouraging me week after week that I was supposed to be with those kids. And I am exactly where I am supposed to be. My heart for worship with the kids....I can't even explain it. I want our kids to understand what the difference between praising an amazing Lord and worshipping our Heavenly Father. How to let go and just love on our God. Kids aren't scared of what other people think. They have no fear. No inhibitions. They just worship!! I love that God lets me a part of this amazing minstry, with a group of incredible people!!!
Dean....thank you for loving me so much that you continue to push me towards my calling, even if it means you take a backseat in your own calling. You have spent the last 5 years encouraging me and my 3 girls to become all that God made us to be. We couldn't do any of the things we are doing....without having you in our corner every day!! I love you.....more and more every single day! Never stop being you!
Friday, June 23, 2017
Monday, June 12, 2017
Lessons from a bicycle (Part 2)
I never thought I would say this, especially about any kind of exercise that involved the outdoors, but I do truly love riding my bike. I like riding sometimes by myself, and sometimes with my sweetheart, and sometimes with friends. But there is something special about riding by yourself, really getting quiet, blocking out the world, and just being in that exact moment. Not thinking about work, or the bathroom that needs painting, or the dishes that need washed, or the lesson I need to study, or the song I need to learn, or the kid that has to take a shower today because she stinks like a boy, or any other squirrel topic that my mind runs to. I can just truly enjoy the ride.
I know I have already written a post very similar to this, but it just really spoke to my heart this morning as I was riding. I was torn between needing to stop and write down some notes before I forgot and not wanting to stop riding on this beautiful morning. Needless to say, I kept riding, finished 10 miles this morning before a lot of the world was awake....but I jotted down my notes as soon as I got back in the car. Honestly, this may become 2 posts, but here we go.....
1. I've been trying to concentrate lately on my cadence, my own personal rhythm on the bike. Notice I didn't say speed, I said rhythm, meaning the way my legs work to spin the pedals. A good friend told me a couple of weeks ago, it wasn't about the speed the bike goes, its about the rhythm of your spin, your cadence. That no matter what hill was ahead, use your bike gears and your body to keep your cadence consistent. Here's the catch....I didn't say I needed to keep up with my sweetie, or my friend, or another rider in the park, or anyone else for that matter. It's MY cadence, and only MY cadence. As a musician, what I tend to do is what ever song is playing in my ears...the beat of that song becomes my cadence for the next 3-4 minutes. It's almost a game to me, to find the beat, and then stick with it, using my gears to be able to better pedal and keep my rhythm going. Think about that with life....there are plenty of cliche sayings that go right along with this....march to the beat to YOUR own drum. Done!
2. Fight through the pain....your reward is coming. For 5 solid weeks my hiney has hurt more than I can explain. Trying to get used to a new bike saddle is no fun. Every time I sit down, I would twinge in pain because there were serious bruises. BUT...I stuck with it, I pushed through, no matter how it hurt, although I may have complained and cried a little even, I kept riding my bike. Today was the first day since I started that it didn't hurt. I was so excited! I almost didn't want to stop at 10 miles!! Here again...big life lesson....we all know it....life isn't always easy. No one ever promised us it would be. But in the end...WE WIN!!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! Look at the back of the book....the devil always loses in the end. So hang in there friend, keep pedaling, keep pushing, keep fighting....your reward, your blessing, your prince charming, your provision, your answer, your peace is coming.
3. My hubby always says to me...eat the elephant one bite at a time. Meaning, don't try to do something all at once, that takes steps to complete. I think I talked before about riding uphill, that I had to focus on the tiny bit of road in front of me, not looking for the crest of the hill. That is still true. But here's the other thing... I don't want to set goals for myself that are so far out there that I can't attain them. Break it up into smaller goals. Eat the elephant one bite at a time! So the greenway that I ride in the mornings, is about a 5 mile loop (of sorts). One end is a huge hill, I don't like to park there, because I don't want my last mile to be totally uphill. So I start about a mile and a half down the path. So I go up the hill first, and then do the rest of the loop. For the last couple of weeks riding there, I finish that first mile in a little over 6 mins. Which I was ok with....but today, I was determined to do it in less than 5 minutes. (Keep in mind, the first week I rode there, my goal was to not get off the bike, now I am trying to go faster up the hill!!!) So I pushed, I pedaled harder, I didn't stop for water at the top, I just kept pedaling as fast as I could....and at the mile mark, the app on my phone said, "total distance 1 mile, total time 5 mins 46 seconds, average speed 10.3 mph". I couldn't believe it!!! As I flew down the hill, my heart soared, I was so proud of myself for doing it. Here's the thing....you can't make your goals too big or too little....challenge yourself, but don't make it so far out of reach that you constantly feel defeated. I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day, and I didn't make that up!
4. This one hit me like a ton of bricks. Sort of goes hand in hand with the goal talk from above... Don't coast too long, you might miss something. When there are hills (in biking or life), once you push through and crest that hill (or struggle) it's easy to just sit back, smile, and coast away. But if I spend half of my work out coasting....and I really exercising anymore?? Same thing in life, if I get in a comfortable spot, and just coast... am I really doing all I can do? For myself? For my family? For my church? For my God? I still have to move and work, and be ready for the next hill that is coming just around the corner.
5. Most days I try to remember to eat something before I go riding...today, I was so excited to get outside I forgot completely. Usually I will grab a banana, or a protein shake, something simple, just to get some fuel in my stomach. Today I could tell that I forgot. It didn't stop me from riding, it just made a few parts a little more difficult, and I was starving by the time I got home. Apply that to life...if you don't fuel your spirit, how can you be all that you can be for the kingdom? I can work every week in the children's ministry, pouring out myself, giving everything I have for Jesus and those kids. But eventually, I will be empty if I am not doing my part to be filled every day too. Fuel your body, fuel your mind, fuel your soul. Eat healthy, learn something every day, be in His Word, pray, attend service with your church family, be in a bible study. Fuel your entire body!
6. Ok, I know this is getting long, but I had to get it all out, and I saved the best story for last. When I ride, even if I have my headphones in, I try to be cordial to everyone. Say good morning, wave, smile, whatever I can. There was this one lady, who would never smile or wave back, ever! She seemed kind of odd to me actually. Always wears a coat and gloves to walk in the park...in the summertime! Odd!! Anyways, when I was riding last Friday, headed towards the big hill of the loop (for the 2nd time), she was walking up the hill. It worried me to death, because I was afraid she would be able to walk up the hill faster than I could pedal. LOL It made me super nervous as I was getting closer. She turned around and saw me coming, and moved a little more to the right side of the path for me. I thought, great, she gets it, its not an easy hill. Well right as I get ready to pass her, she holds up her finger and starts to say something. I almost wrecked trying to stop, pull out my earbuds, and talk to her. She then proceeds to chew me out, says I am supposed to say "on your left" as I pass someone, that it is the rules of the road. I apologized, I thought she saw me, and I told her I thought she was listening to music and wouldn't hear me. She said in response "NO! I have seen you multiple times, and you never say it!" I was completely flabbergasted! I didn't know how to respond really. I was totally caught off guard. So I said ok, and started pedaling again. The entire rest of that ride, I stewed over that lady. I let it distract me. I rode thinking of things I should have said, or could have said to her. I was waiting for the next chance I would get to scream "ON YOUR LEFT!!!!" the next time I passed her. I let it get under my skin. Well, fast forward to this morning. I was hoping I wouldn't run into her. That maybe I had gotten there before she did. Then I saw her up ahead, in that crazy coat again! Plenty ahead of time, before I passed her, I politely said "on your left", she scooted over a little, and I kept on riding. No harm, no foul. I continued my ride for about 15 more minutes before I saw her again, this time we were headed towards each other face to face. As I got closer, for the first time, she smiled and waved at me. As I passed her, it hit me...I don't know what she goes through on a daily basis, I don't know her at all. That little encounter might have made her day. The fact that she said something and someone listened to her and tried what she said....made her smile. And all I had to do was say "on your left".....now, all I have to say is apply that to life!! Do something simple that could make someone's day!!!
Love yall....thanks for letting me ramble!
I know I have already written a post very similar to this, but it just really spoke to my heart this morning as I was riding. I was torn between needing to stop and write down some notes before I forgot and not wanting to stop riding on this beautiful morning. Needless to say, I kept riding, finished 10 miles this morning before a lot of the world was awake....but I jotted down my notes as soon as I got back in the car. Honestly, this may become 2 posts, but here we go.....
1. I've been trying to concentrate lately on my cadence, my own personal rhythm on the bike. Notice I didn't say speed, I said rhythm, meaning the way my legs work to spin the pedals. A good friend told me a couple of weeks ago, it wasn't about the speed the bike goes, its about the rhythm of your spin, your cadence. That no matter what hill was ahead, use your bike gears and your body to keep your cadence consistent. Here's the catch....I didn't say I needed to keep up with my sweetie, or my friend, or another rider in the park, or anyone else for that matter. It's MY cadence, and only MY cadence. As a musician, what I tend to do is what ever song is playing in my ears...the beat of that song becomes my cadence for the next 3-4 minutes. It's almost a game to me, to find the beat, and then stick with it, using my gears to be able to better pedal and keep my rhythm going. Think about that with life....there are plenty of cliche sayings that go right along with this....march to the beat to YOUR own drum. Done!
2. Fight through the pain....your reward is coming. For 5 solid weeks my hiney has hurt more than I can explain. Trying to get used to a new bike saddle is no fun. Every time I sit down, I would twinge in pain because there were serious bruises. BUT...I stuck with it, I pushed through, no matter how it hurt, although I may have complained and cried a little even, I kept riding my bike. Today was the first day since I started that it didn't hurt. I was so excited! I almost didn't want to stop at 10 miles!! Here again...big life lesson....we all know it....life isn't always easy. No one ever promised us it would be. But in the end...WE WIN!!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! Look at the back of the book....the devil always loses in the end. So hang in there friend, keep pedaling, keep pushing, keep fighting....your reward, your blessing, your prince charming, your provision, your answer, your peace is coming.
3. My hubby always says to me...eat the elephant one bite at a time. Meaning, don't try to do something all at once, that takes steps to complete. I think I talked before about riding uphill, that I had to focus on the tiny bit of road in front of me, not looking for the crest of the hill. That is still true. But here's the other thing... I don't want to set goals for myself that are so far out there that I can't attain them. Break it up into smaller goals. Eat the elephant one bite at a time! So the greenway that I ride in the mornings, is about a 5 mile loop (of sorts). One end is a huge hill, I don't like to park there, because I don't want my last mile to be totally uphill. So I start about a mile and a half down the path. So I go up the hill first, and then do the rest of the loop. For the last couple of weeks riding there, I finish that first mile in a little over 6 mins. Which I was ok with....but today, I was determined to do it in less than 5 minutes. (Keep in mind, the first week I rode there, my goal was to not get off the bike, now I am trying to go faster up the hill!!!) So I pushed, I pedaled harder, I didn't stop for water at the top, I just kept pedaling as fast as I could....and at the mile mark, the app on my phone said, "total distance 1 mile, total time 5 mins 46 seconds, average speed 10.3 mph". I couldn't believe it!!! As I flew down the hill, my heart soared, I was so proud of myself for doing it. Here's the thing....you can't make your goals too big or too little....challenge yourself, but don't make it so far out of reach that you constantly feel defeated. I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day, and I didn't make that up!
4. This one hit me like a ton of bricks. Sort of goes hand in hand with the goal talk from above... Don't coast too long, you might miss something. When there are hills (in biking or life), once you push through and crest that hill (or struggle) it's easy to just sit back, smile, and coast away. But if I spend half of my work out coasting....and I really exercising anymore?? Same thing in life, if I get in a comfortable spot, and just coast... am I really doing all I can do? For myself? For my family? For my church? For my God? I still have to move and work, and be ready for the next hill that is coming just around the corner.
5. Most days I try to remember to eat something before I go riding...today, I was so excited to get outside I forgot completely. Usually I will grab a banana, or a protein shake, something simple, just to get some fuel in my stomach. Today I could tell that I forgot. It didn't stop me from riding, it just made a few parts a little more difficult, and I was starving by the time I got home. Apply that to life...if you don't fuel your spirit, how can you be all that you can be for the kingdom? I can work every week in the children's ministry, pouring out myself, giving everything I have for Jesus and those kids. But eventually, I will be empty if I am not doing my part to be filled every day too. Fuel your body, fuel your mind, fuel your soul. Eat healthy, learn something every day, be in His Word, pray, attend service with your church family, be in a bible study. Fuel your entire body!
6. Ok, I know this is getting long, but I had to get it all out, and I saved the best story for last. When I ride, even if I have my headphones in, I try to be cordial to everyone. Say good morning, wave, smile, whatever I can. There was this one lady, who would never smile or wave back, ever! She seemed kind of odd to me actually. Always wears a coat and gloves to walk in the park...in the summertime! Odd!! Anyways, when I was riding last Friday, headed towards the big hill of the loop (for the 2nd time), she was walking up the hill. It worried me to death, because I was afraid she would be able to walk up the hill faster than I could pedal. LOL It made me super nervous as I was getting closer. She turned around and saw me coming, and moved a little more to the right side of the path for me. I thought, great, she gets it, its not an easy hill. Well right as I get ready to pass her, she holds up her finger and starts to say something. I almost wrecked trying to stop, pull out my earbuds, and talk to her. She then proceeds to chew me out, says I am supposed to say "on your left" as I pass someone, that it is the rules of the road. I apologized, I thought she saw me, and I told her I thought she was listening to music and wouldn't hear me. She said in response "NO! I have seen you multiple times, and you never say it!" I was completely flabbergasted! I didn't know how to respond really. I was totally caught off guard. So I said ok, and started pedaling again. The entire rest of that ride, I stewed over that lady. I let it distract me. I rode thinking of things I should have said, or could have said to her. I was waiting for the next chance I would get to scream "ON YOUR LEFT!!!!" the next time I passed her. I let it get under my skin. Well, fast forward to this morning. I was hoping I wouldn't run into her. That maybe I had gotten there before she did. Then I saw her up ahead, in that crazy coat again! Plenty ahead of time, before I passed her, I politely said "on your left", she scooted over a little, and I kept on riding. No harm, no foul. I continued my ride for about 15 more minutes before I saw her again, this time we were headed towards each other face to face. As I got closer, for the first time, she smiled and waved at me. As I passed her, it hit me...I don't know what she goes through on a daily basis, I don't know her at all. That little encounter might have made her day. The fact that she said something and someone listened to her and tried what she said....made her smile. And all I had to do was say "on your left".....now, all I have to say is apply that to life!! Do something simple that could make someone's day!!!
Love yall....thanks for letting me ramble!
Sunday, June 4, 2017
My Mind is a Whirlwind
Tonight Dean and I sat down and watched the movie The Shack. We had both read the book, so we sort of knew what to expect...but still. I was in a much different place when I read it, and so I was very interested to see how the story affected me now. Many many many things caught me off guard tonight that I didn't expect to affect me the way it did. I will probably write about quite a few of them this week, I need to mull them over a little more. I actually took notes while watching the movie!! LOL!!
But the idea that struck me most in the movie, linked to what I talked about with the kids in KidsTime this morning too. In KidsTime we talked about the story of Moses being sent down the river in a basket by his mother to save his life. We talked about how she had limited time and opportunity to influence this child for God. We applied that to our lives by talking about how to share your story with others. I spoke about them having limited time to share with some people. For example, with summer coming, this may be the last time they see some of their friends. We talked about knowing your audience. For someone to be truly influenced by what you have to say, they have to see that you care about who they are and what they are going through. Lastly, we talked about finding the opportunity. To pay attention, and listen, and know how to respond. The main point I tried my best to explain this morning was to share their story, all they needed to do was tell people who God was to them, what He had done in their lives. So I asked the kids....if someone said to you today, "who is God to you?", what would you say? They gave some amazing answers! Really blew my mind. We discussed how even though God was one thing to one person, He could still be something completely different to someone else at the exact same time. He was exactly what we needed when we need it.
Then comes this movie.... Abigail watched it with us. We had to pause occasionally to explain some things to her. One of the big ones was why God The Father was a big happy black women in the beginning, and then an aging Asian man later in the story. I tried to relate it to our lesson, and explain to her that God had to be who Mac needed in that exact moment, and that it could be different every moment, or the same. That He loved him so much, He wanted to do whatever He could to make it easier for Mac to truly hear what He had to say.
Then I started thinking....how would I answer that question that I posed to the kids this morning? Who is God to me? Honestly....I'm not sure right now. I need more. But I don't know what I need or expect from Him at this point in my life. I trust Him, I believe, I have faith...but do I depend on Him? Do I allow him to be Papa? Do I talk with Him like I truly care for Him and want to spend time with Him? Do I completely let Him into my life? Can I say that I give Him full control?
This movie has really wrecked me tonight. Brought up lots of good things, as well as lots of bad. I have a lot of digging to do this week to decide how I feel about a lot of things. I have to say, if you have not seen it yet, you need to. But be sure to grab some kleenex first.....you're going to need them!!!
More to come.....
But the idea that struck me most in the movie, linked to what I talked about with the kids in KidsTime this morning too. In KidsTime we talked about the story of Moses being sent down the river in a basket by his mother to save his life. We talked about how she had limited time and opportunity to influence this child for God. We applied that to our lives by talking about how to share your story with others. I spoke about them having limited time to share with some people. For example, with summer coming, this may be the last time they see some of their friends. We talked about knowing your audience. For someone to be truly influenced by what you have to say, they have to see that you care about who they are and what they are going through. Lastly, we talked about finding the opportunity. To pay attention, and listen, and know how to respond. The main point I tried my best to explain this morning was to share their story, all they needed to do was tell people who God was to them, what He had done in their lives. So I asked the kids....if someone said to you today, "who is God to you?", what would you say? They gave some amazing answers! Really blew my mind. We discussed how even though God was one thing to one person, He could still be something completely different to someone else at the exact same time. He was exactly what we needed when we need it.
Then comes this movie.... Abigail watched it with us. We had to pause occasionally to explain some things to her. One of the big ones was why God The Father was a big happy black women in the beginning, and then an aging Asian man later in the story. I tried to relate it to our lesson, and explain to her that God had to be who Mac needed in that exact moment, and that it could be different every moment, or the same. That He loved him so much, He wanted to do whatever He could to make it easier for Mac to truly hear what He had to say.
Then I started thinking....how would I answer that question that I posed to the kids this morning? Who is God to me? Honestly....I'm not sure right now. I need more. But I don't know what I need or expect from Him at this point in my life. I trust Him, I believe, I have faith...but do I depend on Him? Do I allow him to be Papa? Do I talk with Him like I truly care for Him and want to spend time with Him? Do I completely let Him into my life? Can I say that I give Him full control?
This movie has really wrecked me tonight. Brought up lots of good things, as well as lots of bad. I have a lot of digging to do this week to decide how I feel about a lot of things. I have to say, if you have not seen it yet, you need to. But be sure to grab some kleenex first.....you're going to need them!!!
More to come.....
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
I need to stop being a squirrel
If you have spent more than 5 minutes with me you know I have the attention span of a gnat. It is not out of meanness, or anything like that, I want to listen, I want to be engaged, but my mind races all day every day. It's like a constant game of pinball in there. (For those born after 1980 out there, google it, it was a game before Nintendo came into the world. lol) Anyways, thoughts are constantly reeling through my mind..I gotta do this, I need to go there, I'm hungry, I really should go to the grocery store, I need to send so and so a card, Abigail needs a bathing suit, I should wash our sheets today, oh the dog needs a bath, what is our lesson on this week for KidsTime, I need to text Chasity about that, what time do I need to be at the school today, that's a new blog idea, **Insert random 80s one hit wonder song lyrics here for no good reason**, I want to make meatloaf this week, I have to remember to buy sunscreen this week, a new card making idea, wow look at that on ebay, I wonder what Dean is doing right now, I need to be sure and watch the new Once Upon a Time later....this is just a sampling. And the craziest part....that is only about 30 seconds worth. I can't slow it down. It is just how my brain works, how I was built, I am 100 mph all over the place all the time. To add insult to injury I'm a planner too. There are usually about 10 lists going on at the same time in my head. At least 4 notebooks within arm's distance at any given moment. (Sorry honey...I still prefer paper rather than my phone!) I just go, go, go all the time.
I struggle ALOT to rest. To slow down enough for my mind to stop, even for a few minutes. It's so bad, that if I get up in the middle of the night to tinkle (which I do about 3 times a night!!) I keep my eyes closed, don't turn on any lights, stagger to the bathroom, and do everything I can to stay half way in a state of slumber, and then go right back to the same position I just left in the bed. Because if I get the slightest bit awake....the pinball game awakens in my head, and sleepy time is all over. I think I have said it before, that God allows something big to happen to me (back surgery, the flu, biggest baddest stomach bug ever) so that I will actually stop and sit down for a few days in a row. Honestly, I think there is another one coming real soon.....just feel it. You would think that I would learn my lesson....but I'm hard headed too. LOL!!
I say all of this to give you some back story before my main point tonight.... I need a true encounter with God. A Holy Ghost gets a hold of me and won't let go until I am face down on the floor crying like a baby kind of encounter. I just need to be overwhelmed with His presence. I know many of you out there are saying, well just stop, get quiet, and ask Him for it. Did you not read the first 2 paragraphs??? I don't do that!!! Unfortunately I need it to be in a group setting so I can really focus in on that type of environment. At home, there's too much distraction....phones dinging, kids talking, dog barking, TVs blaring, music from the bathroom playing, neighbors shooting off canons (yes, that is for real!), washing machines running....just TOO much all around. I need an encounter with God. Don't get me wrong, I know He is with me, He has given me little tidbits here and there lately, but I need more. I feel emptied out right now. I need to be filled again. I'm not burnt out, or tired of what I do, or needing a break, or anything like that (don't freak out Chasity!), I just need to be filled to overflow.
On my way home from the store tonight, I turned my favorite quiet time song on in the car. "A Little Longer" by Bethel. Dean has always said this is sort of my theme song. If you have never heard it, go find it on YouTube, you won't regret it. The basic gist of the song is the lady asks God what else can she do for Him, that no matter what she does, it doesn't ever seem like enough. That's me! I do and do and do, and I love it that way, I honestly do. I don't think God would begrudge me that. I love serving, helping, being creative, I do. But the second half of the song is God's response to her busy-ness (MY busy-ness!) The song says "I hear you say you don't have to do a thing, simply be with me and let those things go. They can wait another minute. Wait. This moment is too sweet. Please stay here with me and love on me a little longer 'cause I'm in love with you." THAT'S what I need....THAT kind of moment. To just stop the world from spinning, and BE with Him, feel His spirit with me. I don't need some big prophecy, or word from God, I just need an encounter, a moment of quiet with Him.
I'm not sure yet how or when....but I know without a doubt I need an encounter with my God. It's time for MORE LORD!
I struggle ALOT to rest. To slow down enough for my mind to stop, even for a few minutes. It's so bad, that if I get up in the middle of the night to tinkle (which I do about 3 times a night!!) I keep my eyes closed, don't turn on any lights, stagger to the bathroom, and do everything I can to stay half way in a state of slumber, and then go right back to the same position I just left in the bed. Because if I get the slightest bit awake....the pinball game awakens in my head, and sleepy time is all over. I think I have said it before, that God allows something big to happen to me (back surgery, the flu, biggest baddest stomach bug ever) so that I will actually stop and sit down for a few days in a row. Honestly, I think there is another one coming real soon.....just feel it. You would think that I would learn my lesson....but I'm hard headed too. LOL!!
I say all of this to give you some back story before my main point tonight.... I need a true encounter with God. A Holy Ghost gets a hold of me and won't let go until I am face down on the floor crying like a baby kind of encounter. I just need to be overwhelmed with His presence. I know many of you out there are saying, well just stop, get quiet, and ask Him for it. Did you not read the first 2 paragraphs??? I don't do that!!! Unfortunately I need it to be in a group setting so I can really focus in on that type of environment. At home, there's too much distraction....phones dinging, kids talking, dog barking, TVs blaring, music from the bathroom playing, neighbors shooting off canons (yes, that is for real!), washing machines running....just TOO much all around. I need an encounter with God. Don't get me wrong, I know He is with me, He has given me little tidbits here and there lately, but I need more. I feel emptied out right now. I need to be filled again. I'm not burnt out, or tired of what I do, or needing a break, or anything like that (don't freak out Chasity!), I just need to be filled to overflow.
On my way home from the store tonight, I turned my favorite quiet time song on in the car. "A Little Longer" by Bethel. Dean has always said this is sort of my theme song. If you have never heard it, go find it on YouTube, you won't regret it. The basic gist of the song is the lady asks God what else can she do for Him, that no matter what she does, it doesn't ever seem like enough. That's me! I do and do and do, and I love it that way, I honestly do. I don't think God would begrudge me that. I love serving, helping, being creative, I do. But the second half of the song is God's response to her busy-ness (MY busy-ness!) The song says "I hear you say you don't have to do a thing, simply be with me and let those things go. They can wait another minute. Wait. This moment is too sweet. Please stay here with me and love on me a little longer 'cause I'm in love with you." THAT'S what I need....THAT kind of moment. To just stop the world from spinning, and BE with Him, feel His spirit with me. I don't need some big prophecy, or word from God, I just need an encounter, a moment of quiet with Him.
I'm not sure yet how or when....but I know without a doubt I need an encounter with my God. It's time for MORE LORD!
Monday, May 29, 2017
Lower Your Expectations of the World
A couple of weeks ago pastor said something in a message that sort of stuck in my craw. He said we needed to lower our expectations on our spouse, and raise our expectations of our Mighty God. I wasn't sure how I felt about that one. I didn't necessarily disagree, but I didn't agree either. I had to chew on it for a while. I mean, I do think that sometimes I don't depend on God enough for things. That to me, some things seem too small to bother God with. So, I was kind of on board with the raising the expectations there. But why did I have to lower what I expected from my spouse? How was that fair?
Then it hit me.... I have to lower my expectations of my spouse for one big reason...because he's not me! I can't expect him to think like me, or act like me, or believe like me, or want things like me, or feel like me, or see things like me, do things like me....because HE IS NOT ME! Men and women were not created to be the same. We were created to be helpmates, not the carbon copies of each other! We should compliment each other. Pick up where the other leaves off. Be good at things that they may not be. I can't get mad at him for not doing things the way I would. Honestly, it just causes unnecessary strife.
Dean and I understand this concept pretty well for the most part. You have to pick and choose your battles in any relationship, especially a marriage. There are SOOOOOO many things not worth arguing over, but so many couple do every day. I have worked very hard to just let things go. It was a struggle for me. Ok, here's something you may not know about me....I have control issues! LOL If you know me at all, you know I have control issues. I like doing it all myself. I have had to learn to let Dean help me, to take over some things, and to do things his way. It's honestly a daily struggle sometimes. I have to CHOOSE to let go, and let him help me. About a year after we got married, I had to have back surgery. It literally knocked me on my butt. I had no choice but to sit down and stay down, for quite a while. It was HARD for me, no joke! God used that time to really show me how to truly depend on my sweet spouse. I didn't have a choice. I honestly believe God designed it that way. He used that season to teach me to let go. But not only to let go, and let Dean help me. But to also be ok if he did it differently. If he didn't do things in the order I would have. Or he let Abigail go to school with mismatched clothes on. Or if he didn't cook things for dinner the way I would have. Or he let the girls eat pizza for breakfast. I had to see that just because he didn't do things the way that I would....didn't mean it was wrong.
Here's the crazy part of all of this... this idea applies to so many other people too....my kids, my coworkers, my boss, my parents, people in general....none of them are me!!
Lower your expectations of the people around you....raise the expectations of your God....and live a more peaceful life!
Then it hit me.... I have to lower my expectations of my spouse for one big reason...because he's not me! I can't expect him to think like me, or act like me, or believe like me, or want things like me, or feel like me, or see things like me, do things like me....because HE IS NOT ME! Men and women were not created to be the same. We were created to be helpmates, not the carbon copies of each other! We should compliment each other. Pick up where the other leaves off. Be good at things that they may not be. I can't get mad at him for not doing things the way I would. Honestly, it just causes unnecessary strife.
Dean and I understand this concept pretty well for the most part. You have to pick and choose your battles in any relationship, especially a marriage. There are SOOOOOO many things not worth arguing over, but so many couple do every day. I have worked very hard to just let things go. It was a struggle for me. Ok, here's something you may not know about me....I have control issues! LOL If you know me at all, you know I have control issues. I like doing it all myself. I have had to learn to let Dean help me, to take over some things, and to do things his way. It's honestly a daily struggle sometimes. I have to CHOOSE to let go, and let him help me. About a year after we got married, I had to have back surgery. It literally knocked me on my butt. I had no choice but to sit down and stay down, for quite a while. It was HARD for me, no joke! God used that time to really show me how to truly depend on my sweet spouse. I didn't have a choice. I honestly believe God designed it that way. He used that season to teach me to let go. But not only to let go, and let Dean help me. But to also be ok if he did it differently. If he didn't do things in the order I would have. Or he let Abigail go to school with mismatched clothes on. Or if he didn't cook things for dinner the way I would have. Or he let the girls eat pizza for breakfast. I had to see that just because he didn't do things the way that I would....didn't mean it was wrong.
Here's the crazy part of all of this... this idea applies to so many other people too....my kids, my coworkers, my boss, my parents, people in general....none of them are me!!
Lower your expectations of the people around you....raise the expectations of your God....and live a more peaceful life!
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
I want to ride my bicycle....
So as many of you have seen on facebook, I am quickly becoming addicted to riding a bicycle. It is TOTALLY a new found sanctuary for me. It's so peaceful, and quiet, and beautiful!! I like biking with Dean, having a hobby we can share is amazing! I totally understand his desire to ride, I really never thought I would. He said all along that I had to find an exercise that I enjoyed, not just tolerated, and he was right. (Dean, write the date down, I said you were right this once! LOL) Anyways, I do love riding with my hushpuppy....but I love riding alone ALOT!!! There are quite a few things I have learned this week from riding my bike. I could not help but see the similarities that God was screaming at me! So I decided I had to share.....
1. You want different results you HAVE to be willing to try different things.
Seems simple enough, right?? But we all do it! My weight loss has been at a plateau for a while, and it was beginning to frustrate me. But I was doing the same old same old every day!! Eating the same things, doing the same exercises at the gym. I finally realized it was time to challenge myself, to push myself to a new level.
We whine and complete because nothing is changing, but we are not willing to change the things we do every day. I heard LONG ago, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I eat popcorn and caramel M&Ms everyday (hey...no judgement!!), but get mad because I am not losing any more weight...or if I never change the oil in my car, and it stalls out on me on the interstate....I forget everyday to water my vegetable garden but can't figure out why nothing is growing...or my kids misbehave everyday because I don't take the time and effort to discipline them...or I don't take the time to invest in growing my marriage and I see my husband ooggling over a women at work....if I am not willing to change myself and my actions, I can't be mad at anyone but myself.
1. You want different results you HAVE to be willing to try different things.
Seems simple enough, right?? But we all do it! My weight loss has been at a plateau for a while, and it was beginning to frustrate me. But I was doing the same old same old every day!! Eating the same things, doing the same exercises at the gym. I finally realized it was time to challenge myself, to push myself to a new level.
We whine and complete because nothing is changing, but we are not willing to change the things we do every day. I heard LONG ago, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I eat popcorn and caramel M&Ms everyday (hey...no judgement!!), but get mad because I am not losing any more weight...or if I never change the oil in my car, and it stalls out on me on the interstate....I forget everyday to water my vegetable garden but can't figure out why nothing is growing...or my kids misbehave everyday because I don't take the time and effort to discipline them...or I don't take the time to invest in growing my marriage and I see my husband ooggling over a women at work....if I am not willing to change myself and my actions, I can't be mad at anyone but myself.
2. Make small changes for BIG results
On a bicycle the smallest adjustment to the seat, or what you wear, or where you ride...all completely change the experience. Shifting the angle of the seat the slightest millimeter can make all the difference! Wearing bicycle gloves can SAVE your palms!!! Padded shorts are a GOD SENT!!! LOL
Apply that to life....spend 5 more mins a day in the word, or 5 more mins a day in prayer and see how it changes your spiritual life. Take a Friday night and take your spouse on a date, just the 2 of you, somewhere without kids, and without cell phones and watch your relationship explode! How much effort does it really take to start the snowball rolling? What kind of teeny tiny peeble makes HUGE ripples in the water?
3. Don't look at the top of the hill, look at the 2 feet in foot of you
The first time I tried to ride up a pretty decent sized hill, I kept staring way off in the distance at the top of the hill. I thought I would NEVER get to the top. And you know what...I never did!! I stopped and walked my bike up the hill. I was so disappointed in myself, so discouraged. Dean of course was great, told me not to stress about it, that really soon that hill would seem like nothing to me. Well, a few days later I decided to ride that same hill on a ride myself, I was not going to be defeated by a silly hill. So I tried to get a running start to the hill first. (Make a plan, get prepared, start at the beginning and work toward the top) Then when the hill started, I put my head and down and pushed myself! (That's a word right there!!! Put your head down and FOCUS, look at nothing else. Don't let the devil distract you off your path.) I watched only the 2 feet in the front of the bike. Not the 100 feet straight up in front of me!! Take it one little step at a time. Eat the elephant one bite at a time.
4. Take time to soak it all in
I don't want to ride so fast and so hard that I don't see the beauty all around me. I want to see the trees, to smell the honeysuckle, the feel the breeze on my face, to soak in the praise music in my ears, to hear God's little whisper. I need to slow down and smell the roses!! Seriously!! I have a REAAAAALLLLYYYYY hard time slowing down, stopping my brain, and resting. I go go go ALL THE TIME!!! I don't know how to be any different. I'm just not made that way. Dean is constantly trying to get my to rest. Sometimes, my body makes me rest, even when I don't really want to. I am trying to retrain myself to slow down and enjoy things. To not be in a constant state of frustration and being overwhelmed, especially when it is typically my own doing!
I hope and pray that as I continue to ride....He will continue to speak!
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
20 things you may not know about me
As I sat here trying to think of something to write, I realized I was trying to think of something to be sad about, or rant about, or be angry about, or dwell on....so I'm not doing that tonight. I am purposefully trying to go off that track, we will see where this goes.
So here are 20 things you may not know about me....
1. I have played cello since 6th grade. Growing up I wanted to be a member of the disney orchestra, meaning the orchestra that played all the background music for all the movies. For some reason I thought that was better than any other playing gig.
2. As a middle schooler my nickname was Lizard...that's all you get, no explanation. LOL!!
3. I have visited probably 40 out of 50 states.
4. I have never flown over water before...not sure when I will either...scares the heck out of me.
5. I still don't like my closet door open at night, because of watching Poltergeist as a kid.
6. The summer after 4th grade, I don't think I took my roller skates off all summer.
7. I have visited the largest Mcdonalds in the world. At least at the time it was, in Barstow CA. It was made from 7 cabooses.
8. I hate Dennys...bad childhood memories.
9. My playlist is very eclectic... including Yancy Ministries, The Piano Guys, Pentatonix, Bella and the Flecktones, The Violent Femmes, Sugarland, Missy Elliott, Yo Yo Ma, Flo Rida, Justin Timberlake, Bethel, Jesus Culture, Vertical Worship, Israel, Glee cast, and much more!
10. I went to Applachian State as a music education major but didn't finish...I never felt qualified/ready to actually teach. I am a firm believe that teaching is a true calling, that you shouldn't do it unless you are 100% sure. When my sister was in 3rd grade, she needed help with long division and I couldn't figure out a way to explain it to an 8 yr old. That scared me to death! One of the main reasons I quit school.
11. Speaking of sister....I locked her in my cello case once.
12. As a kid, my cousin and I spent the summers playing News Show. We made up stories and hosted our own TV news show. EVERYTHING that happened became a story for the news. I remember a particular one from a restaurant about a vanilla mountain that was melting into the chocolate sea around it.
13. I believe my brain has blocked out lots of childhood memories to shield me from the pain of it all.
14. I was born on Christmas Eve. My mom always said she had nasty hospital mac and cheese that Christmas because of me. I also came home from the hospital in a Christmas Stocking.
15. I love to craft! All kinds of crafts! But the one thing I can't seem to figure out is knitting or crocheting, and it makes me nuts that I can't!
16. Silly things that I love terribly... caramel M&Ms (new found love, if you haven't tried them you are missing out), Necco wafers candy, Big Red soda (near impossible to find these days), socks, owls and bees (but not real ones, just silly girlie ones), pinterest, reality TV (not the stupid ones though like The Kardashians or Jersey Shore...the competition ones like Survivor, Amazing Race, Top Chef, The NExt HGTV Star and such), chapstick (HUGE addiction!!), and a huge collection of coffee creamers (my cofffee is more sugar and cream than coffee most days).
17. My husband and I got married 6 weeks after our first day. And if you ask either of us, we waited too long. We just knew. After our first date, I prayed over and over, if this is right Lord tell him, please tell him. I was in a very dry place, had been angry with God for a while, I was afraid I wouldn't hear His voice. But luckily we both did, loud and clear.
18. I love to cook, but hate to bake. I don't like the science of it. I like mixing what I want, and flying by the seat of my pants with cooking. Which is crazy because I am the biggest planner/list maker that I know in every other area of my life.
19. One of the awesomest times I have ever had with the Lord was laughing uncontrollably in the Holy Ghost. He got a hold of me, and wouldn't stop. He knew I needed to let go, to not be in charge, to just relax, and enjoy the moment. I believe with all my heart that sometimes the Lord knocks me on my behind because that is the only time I will stop and rest. (But that is a WHOLE other blog post.)
20. I am totally in love with my life. Is it perfect....no, but it is pretty stinkin' wonderful. I am completely head over heels in love with my husband, who treats me like his queen every single day. I have 4 wonderful children who make me laugh, smile, cry, and scream every day, sometimes all in the same day. I get to serve at the most amazing church with the most incredible team teaching the most fabulous kids on the planet. I LOVE WHAT I GET TO DO!!!! Combining music and kids for me has always been where I was supposed to be, I just had to wait on His timing.
Oh you know what here is one extra one that I couldn't leave out....
21. I was saved and baptized at the age of 19, when I was in college. The Saturday before my baptism on Sunday I sprained my knee playing kick ball in the church yard. The doctor said I would have been better off if I had broken it. I was in a splint thing for over 8 weeks. Anyways, I have always said that was the devil trying to get me off my path way back then! But he didn't succeed then....and I am still fighting him today. His whispers haunt me daily....but I always try to remind myself that is just because I scare him so!
So here are 20 things you may not know about me....
1. I have played cello since 6th grade. Growing up I wanted to be a member of the disney orchestra, meaning the orchestra that played all the background music for all the movies. For some reason I thought that was better than any other playing gig.
2. As a middle schooler my nickname was Lizard...that's all you get, no explanation. LOL!!
3. I have visited probably 40 out of 50 states.
4. I have never flown over water before...not sure when I will either...scares the heck out of me.
5. I still don't like my closet door open at night, because of watching Poltergeist as a kid.
6. The summer after 4th grade, I don't think I took my roller skates off all summer.
7. I have visited the largest Mcdonalds in the world. At least at the time it was, in Barstow CA. It was made from 7 cabooses.
8. I hate Dennys...bad childhood memories.
9. My playlist is very eclectic... including Yancy Ministries, The Piano Guys, Pentatonix, Bella and the Flecktones, The Violent Femmes, Sugarland, Missy Elliott, Yo Yo Ma, Flo Rida, Justin Timberlake, Bethel, Jesus Culture, Vertical Worship, Israel, Glee cast, and much more!
10. I went to Applachian State as a music education major but didn't finish...I never felt qualified/ready to actually teach. I am a firm believe that teaching is a true calling, that you shouldn't do it unless you are 100% sure. When my sister was in 3rd grade, she needed help with long division and I couldn't figure out a way to explain it to an 8 yr old. That scared me to death! One of the main reasons I quit school.
11. Speaking of sister....I locked her in my cello case once.
12. As a kid, my cousin and I spent the summers playing News Show. We made up stories and hosted our own TV news show. EVERYTHING that happened became a story for the news. I remember a particular one from a restaurant about a vanilla mountain that was melting into the chocolate sea around it.
13. I believe my brain has blocked out lots of childhood memories to shield me from the pain of it all.
14. I was born on Christmas Eve. My mom always said she had nasty hospital mac and cheese that Christmas because of me. I also came home from the hospital in a Christmas Stocking.
15. I love to craft! All kinds of crafts! But the one thing I can't seem to figure out is knitting or crocheting, and it makes me nuts that I can't!
16. Silly things that I love terribly... caramel M&Ms (new found love, if you haven't tried them you are missing out), Necco wafers candy, Big Red soda (near impossible to find these days), socks, owls and bees (but not real ones, just silly girlie ones), pinterest, reality TV (not the stupid ones though like The Kardashians or Jersey Shore...the competition ones like Survivor, Amazing Race, Top Chef, The NExt HGTV Star and such), chapstick (HUGE addiction!!), and a huge collection of coffee creamers (my cofffee is more sugar and cream than coffee most days).
17. My husband and I got married 6 weeks after our first day. And if you ask either of us, we waited too long. We just knew. After our first date, I prayed over and over, if this is right Lord tell him, please tell him. I was in a very dry place, had been angry with God for a while, I was afraid I wouldn't hear His voice. But luckily we both did, loud and clear.
18. I love to cook, but hate to bake. I don't like the science of it. I like mixing what I want, and flying by the seat of my pants with cooking. Which is crazy because I am the biggest planner/list maker that I know in every other area of my life.
19. One of the awesomest times I have ever had with the Lord was laughing uncontrollably in the Holy Ghost. He got a hold of me, and wouldn't stop. He knew I needed to let go, to not be in charge, to just relax, and enjoy the moment. I believe with all my heart that sometimes the Lord knocks me on my behind because that is the only time I will stop and rest. (But that is a WHOLE other blog post.)
20. I am totally in love with my life. Is it perfect....no, but it is pretty stinkin' wonderful. I am completely head over heels in love with my husband, who treats me like his queen every single day. I have 4 wonderful children who make me laugh, smile, cry, and scream every day, sometimes all in the same day. I get to serve at the most amazing church with the most incredible team teaching the most fabulous kids on the planet. I LOVE WHAT I GET TO DO!!!! Combining music and kids for me has always been where I was supposed to be, I just had to wait on His timing.
Oh you know what here is one extra one that I couldn't leave out....
21. I was saved and baptized at the age of 19, when I was in college. The Saturday before my baptism on Sunday I sprained my knee playing kick ball in the church yard. The doctor said I would have been better off if I had broken it. I was in a splint thing for over 8 weeks. Anyways, I have always said that was the devil trying to get me off my path way back then! But he didn't succeed then....and I am still fighting him today. His whispers haunt me daily....but I always try to remind myself that is just because I scare him so!
Sunday, May 7, 2017
I love Jesus...but I cuss a little!
Everyone is talking lately about being real, about getting down and dirty, and sharing our hearts with everyone....I believe that is exactly what this world needs. These are dark times, people are hurting. I can't even imagine all the things people are dealing with on a daily basis. They need something more! People need people. They need real relationships. They need people to tell them the truth, not throw bible verses and church-ese at them. They need open and honest hearts that are willing to live life with them. To walk with them through the every day things, dealing with kids, husbands, work, cooking dinner, crying alone at night, aging parents, grumpy neighbors, hating the gym, finding their purpose....the big and the little things. We need to get down in the trenches and truly be their friend.
Understand me here....I didn't say to sugar coat things, and tell them everything is going to be ok. I said to tell them TRUTH! Does life suck sometimes....yes....but there is MORE!! There are choices that can be made to change things. People that are willing to be a real part of their life, and stand there with them, and walk through ALL the crap together.
But it has to start by us to stop hiding behind our Christianity, stop hiding behind the title of Christian. I am still human like everyone else...I am a woman, wife, mother, hard worker, overly sensitive, insanely creative, loving, scared human. I still deal with STUFF everyday. Being a Christian does not make me perfect. Like I said, I love Jesus but I cuss a little. I get angry, and yell at the kids. I get upset, and cry for no reason. I make wrong decisions. I do bad things. I do not live a perfect life. Do I try? Yes. But I don't always succeed, and that is completely OK! At least I tried. Each day is a new day, a new time to try again, to do better, to learn from what went wrong yesterday.
I used to say that I wore a lot of masks....that there was a work Libby, an at home Libby, a church Libby....that I was who I was supposed to be at each separate place. No one ever knew the pain I was in, the struggles I went through each and every day, because I NEVER let it show. Not to my best friends, my mother, my children, my pastors, no one knew how much my heart hurt. I became very good at hiding it behind a mask. Everyone thought I had it all together. I was dying on the inside, and no one knew because I wouldn't let them see. That is exactly why I refuse to be that kind of friend to other people now. I want people to see that I am 100% real, definitely not perfect, and that I am approachable, and they can come to me with anything, no judgement, just a heart wanting to help in any way I can.
I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I went through all that I went through for a reason. I have to believe that, otherwise I can't handle the pain of the past. A missing manipulative waste of skin for a father, a destructive first half of my life longing for the attention of any man that would look my way that I regret horribly, an abusive demeaning 12 year marriage to a monster that I still worry every day that it broke my girls hearts so much that it can't be mended and haunts them still to this day, thinking still that I waited too long to get us out of that situation, that if I had just been braver we wouldn't be so broken, that it wouldn't be so hard, a busted up pieced back together heart that aches so much at times that I can't even explain...all these things can't be for nothing. That pain can't go to waste, I won't allow it to. There has to be something more....
I go back to this...
"For I know the plans that I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
All of this had a greater purpose...to make me who I am today. A jar of clay, molded by the Father's hands. There are cracks in this jar, but they have been filled with His love and mercy and grace. The cracks are still there as reminders though. Reminders of where I came from. But seeing them filled, reminds me of where He has brought me to. I know without a doubt that my purpose is to be an encouragement to others. To be a real person, not someone pretending to be a perfect Christian. I know what I went through isn't the worst thing in the world, plenty of others have been through worse. But for me, it was the biggest, saddest, scariest thing I have ever experienced, and it changed me. It had to. For a while, it changed me for the worse...I was a mess. Mad, sad, depressed, angry, lonely...but now I can look back and see it was all for this moment. The moment I can stand here and say, here I am a broken, messed up, scared, crying woman who knows my great big God is by my side everyday....and He has purposed this time for me, this exact moment. He has a plan for my life. He took a bad situation and turned it into something for His glory.
Listen to me friend.....just because you made a mistake, or you made a hundred mistakes, whether they were last week, yesterday, or 5 minutes ago....it doesn't matter. God doesn't expect you to be perfect, He just asks that you try. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again, and again if that's what it takes. And if you don't know how.... then ask someone for help, let the people in your life IN your life. Let them see the real you. Let them know you are struggling, that you are drowning, that you need them. Let them IN!
If that's not you...if things are going well right now....then just be ready and willing to serve when someone else cries out for help.
Understand me here....I didn't say to sugar coat things, and tell them everything is going to be ok. I said to tell them TRUTH! Does life suck sometimes....yes....but there is MORE!! There are choices that can be made to change things. People that are willing to be a real part of their life, and stand there with them, and walk through ALL the crap together.
But it has to start by us to stop hiding behind our Christianity, stop hiding behind the title of Christian. I am still human like everyone else...I am a woman, wife, mother, hard worker, overly sensitive, insanely creative, loving, scared human. I still deal with STUFF everyday. Being a Christian does not make me perfect. Like I said, I love Jesus but I cuss a little. I get angry, and yell at the kids. I get upset, and cry for no reason. I make wrong decisions. I do bad things. I do not live a perfect life. Do I try? Yes. But I don't always succeed, and that is completely OK! At least I tried. Each day is a new day, a new time to try again, to do better, to learn from what went wrong yesterday.
I used to say that I wore a lot of masks....that there was a work Libby, an at home Libby, a church Libby....that I was who I was supposed to be at each separate place. No one ever knew the pain I was in, the struggles I went through each and every day, because I NEVER let it show. Not to my best friends, my mother, my children, my pastors, no one knew how much my heart hurt. I became very good at hiding it behind a mask. Everyone thought I had it all together. I was dying on the inside, and no one knew because I wouldn't let them see. That is exactly why I refuse to be that kind of friend to other people now. I want people to see that I am 100% real, definitely not perfect, and that I am approachable, and they can come to me with anything, no judgement, just a heart wanting to help in any way I can.
I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I went through all that I went through for a reason. I have to believe that, otherwise I can't handle the pain of the past. A missing manipulative waste of skin for a father, a destructive first half of my life longing for the attention of any man that would look my way that I regret horribly, an abusive demeaning 12 year marriage to a monster that I still worry every day that it broke my girls hearts so much that it can't be mended and haunts them still to this day, thinking still that I waited too long to get us out of that situation, that if I had just been braver we wouldn't be so broken, that it wouldn't be so hard, a busted up pieced back together heart that aches so much at times that I can't even explain...all these things can't be for nothing. That pain can't go to waste, I won't allow it to. There has to be something more....
I go back to this...
"For I know the plans that I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
All of this had a greater purpose...to make me who I am today. A jar of clay, molded by the Father's hands. There are cracks in this jar, but they have been filled with His love and mercy and grace. The cracks are still there as reminders though. Reminders of where I came from. But seeing them filled, reminds me of where He has brought me to. I know without a doubt that my purpose is to be an encouragement to others. To be a real person, not someone pretending to be a perfect Christian. I know what I went through isn't the worst thing in the world, plenty of others have been through worse. But for me, it was the biggest, saddest, scariest thing I have ever experienced, and it changed me. It had to. For a while, it changed me for the worse...I was a mess. Mad, sad, depressed, angry, lonely...but now I can look back and see it was all for this moment. The moment I can stand here and say, here I am a broken, messed up, scared, crying woman who knows my great big God is by my side everyday....and He has purposed this time for me, this exact moment. He has a plan for my life. He took a bad situation and turned it into something for His glory.
Listen to me friend.....just because you made a mistake, or you made a hundred mistakes, whether they were last week, yesterday, or 5 minutes ago....it doesn't matter. God doesn't expect you to be perfect, He just asks that you try. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again, and again if that's what it takes. And if you don't know how.... then ask someone for help, let the people in your life IN your life. Let them see the real you. Let them know you are struggling, that you are drowning, that you need them. Let them IN!
If that's not you...if things are going well right now....then just be ready and willing to serve when someone else cries out for help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)