If you have spent more than 5 minutes with me you know I have the attention span of a gnat. It is not out of meanness, or anything like that, I want to listen, I want to be engaged, but my mind races all day every day. It's like a constant game of pinball in there. (For those born after 1980 out there, google it, it was a game before Nintendo came into the world. lol) Anyways, thoughts are constantly reeling through my mind..I gotta do this, I need to go there, I'm hungry, I really should go to the grocery store, I need to send so and so a card, Abigail needs a bathing suit, I should wash our sheets today, oh the dog needs a bath, what is our lesson on this week for KidsTime, I need to text Chasity about that, what time do I need to be at the school today, that's a new blog idea, **Insert random 80s one hit wonder song lyrics here for no good reason**, I want to make meatloaf this week, I have to remember to buy sunscreen this week, a new card making idea, wow look at that on ebay, I wonder what Dean is doing right now, I need to be sure and watch the new Once Upon a Time later....this is just a sampling. And the craziest part....that is only about 30 seconds worth. I can't slow it down. It is just how my brain works, how I was built, I am 100 mph all over the place all the time. To add insult to injury I'm a planner too. There are usually about 10 lists going on at the same time in my head. At least 4 notebooks within arm's distance at any given moment. (Sorry honey...I still prefer paper rather than my phone!) I just go, go, go all the time.
I struggle ALOT to rest. To slow down enough for my mind to stop, even for a few minutes. It's so bad, that if I get up in the middle of the night to tinkle (which I do about 3 times a night!!) I keep my eyes closed, don't turn on any lights, stagger to the bathroom, and do everything I can to stay half way in a state of slumber, and then go right back to the same position I just left in the bed. Because if I get the slightest bit awake....the pinball game awakens in my head, and sleepy time is all over. I think I have said it before, that God allows something big to happen to me (back surgery, the flu, biggest baddest stomach bug ever) so that I will actually stop and sit down for a few days in a row. Honestly, I think there is another one coming real soon.....just feel it. You would think that I would learn my lesson....but I'm hard headed too. LOL!!
I say all of this to give you some back story before my main point tonight.... I need a true encounter with God. A Holy Ghost gets a hold of me and won't let go until I am face down on the floor crying like a baby kind of encounter. I just need to be overwhelmed with His presence. I know many of you out there are saying, well just stop, get quiet, and ask Him for it. Did you not read the first 2 paragraphs??? I don't do that!!! Unfortunately I need it to be in a group setting so I can really focus in on that type of environment. At home, there's too much distraction....phones dinging, kids talking, dog barking, TVs blaring, music from the bathroom playing, neighbors shooting off canons (yes, that is for real!), washing machines running....just TOO much all around. I need an encounter with God. Don't get me wrong, I know He is with me, He has given me little tidbits here and there lately, but I need more. I feel emptied out right now. I need to be filled again. I'm not burnt out, or tired of what I do, or needing a break, or anything like that (don't freak out Chasity!), I just need to be filled to overflow.
On my way home from the store tonight, I turned my favorite quiet time song on in the car. "A Little Longer" by Bethel. Dean has always said this is sort of my theme song. If you have never heard it, go find it on YouTube, you won't regret it. The basic gist of the song is the lady asks God what else can she do for Him, that no matter what she does, it doesn't ever seem like enough. That's me! I do and do and do, and I love it that way, I honestly do. I don't think God would begrudge me that. I love serving, helping, being creative, I do. But the second half of the song is God's response to her busy-ness (MY busy-ness!) The song says "I hear you say you don't have to do a thing, simply be with me and let those things go. They can wait another minute. Wait. This moment is too sweet. Please stay here with me and love on me a little longer 'cause I'm in love with you." THAT'S what I need....THAT kind of moment. To just stop the world from spinning, and BE with Him, feel His spirit with me. I don't need some big prophecy, or word from God, I just need an encounter, a moment of quiet with Him.
I'm not sure yet how or when....but I know without a doubt I need an encounter with my God. It's time for MORE LORD!
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Monday, May 29, 2017
Lower Your Expectations of the World
A couple of weeks ago pastor said something in a message that sort of stuck in my craw. He said we needed to lower our expectations on our spouse, and raise our expectations of our Mighty God. I wasn't sure how I felt about that one. I didn't necessarily disagree, but I didn't agree either. I had to chew on it for a while. I mean, I do think that sometimes I don't depend on God enough for things. That to me, some things seem too small to bother God with. So, I was kind of on board with the raising the expectations there. But why did I have to lower what I expected from my spouse? How was that fair?
Then it hit me.... I have to lower my expectations of my spouse for one big reason...because he's not me! I can't expect him to think like me, or act like me, or believe like me, or want things like me, or feel like me, or see things like me, do things like me....because HE IS NOT ME! Men and women were not created to be the same. We were created to be helpmates, not the carbon copies of each other! We should compliment each other. Pick up where the other leaves off. Be good at things that they may not be. I can't get mad at him for not doing things the way I would. Honestly, it just causes unnecessary strife.
Dean and I understand this concept pretty well for the most part. You have to pick and choose your battles in any relationship, especially a marriage. There are SOOOOOO many things not worth arguing over, but so many couple do every day. I have worked very hard to just let things go. It was a struggle for me. Ok, here's something you may not know about me....I have control issues! LOL If you know me at all, you know I have control issues. I like doing it all myself. I have had to learn to let Dean help me, to take over some things, and to do things his way. It's honestly a daily struggle sometimes. I have to CHOOSE to let go, and let him help me. About a year after we got married, I had to have back surgery. It literally knocked me on my butt. I had no choice but to sit down and stay down, for quite a while. It was HARD for me, no joke! God used that time to really show me how to truly depend on my sweet spouse. I didn't have a choice. I honestly believe God designed it that way. He used that season to teach me to let go. But not only to let go, and let Dean help me. But to also be ok if he did it differently. If he didn't do things in the order I would have. Or he let Abigail go to school with mismatched clothes on. Or if he didn't cook things for dinner the way I would have. Or he let the girls eat pizza for breakfast. I had to see that just because he didn't do things the way that I would....didn't mean it was wrong.
Here's the crazy part of all of this... this idea applies to so many other people too....my kids, my coworkers, my boss, my parents, people in general....none of them are me!!
Lower your expectations of the people around you....raise the expectations of your God....and live a more peaceful life!
Then it hit me.... I have to lower my expectations of my spouse for one big reason...because he's not me! I can't expect him to think like me, or act like me, or believe like me, or want things like me, or feel like me, or see things like me, do things like me....because HE IS NOT ME! Men and women were not created to be the same. We were created to be helpmates, not the carbon copies of each other! We should compliment each other. Pick up where the other leaves off. Be good at things that they may not be. I can't get mad at him for not doing things the way I would. Honestly, it just causes unnecessary strife.
Dean and I understand this concept pretty well for the most part. You have to pick and choose your battles in any relationship, especially a marriage. There are SOOOOOO many things not worth arguing over, but so many couple do every day. I have worked very hard to just let things go. It was a struggle for me. Ok, here's something you may not know about me....I have control issues! LOL If you know me at all, you know I have control issues. I like doing it all myself. I have had to learn to let Dean help me, to take over some things, and to do things his way. It's honestly a daily struggle sometimes. I have to CHOOSE to let go, and let him help me. About a year after we got married, I had to have back surgery. It literally knocked me on my butt. I had no choice but to sit down and stay down, for quite a while. It was HARD for me, no joke! God used that time to really show me how to truly depend on my sweet spouse. I didn't have a choice. I honestly believe God designed it that way. He used that season to teach me to let go. But not only to let go, and let Dean help me. But to also be ok if he did it differently. If he didn't do things in the order I would have. Or he let Abigail go to school with mismatched clothes on. Or if he didn't cook things for dinner the way I would have. Or he let the girls eat pizza for breakfast. I had to see that just because he didn't do things the way that I would....didn't mean it was wrong.
Here's the crazy part of all of this... this idea applies to so many other people too....my kids, my coworkers, my boss, my parents, people in general....none of them are me!!
Lower your expectations of the people around you....raise the expectations of your God....and live a more peaceful life!
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
I want to ride my bicycle....
So as many of you have seen on facebook, I am quickly becoming addicted to riding a bicycle. It is TOTALLY a new found sanctuary for me. It's so peaceful, and quiet, and beautiful!! I like biking with Dean, having a hobby we can share is amazing! I totally understand his desire to ride, I really never thought I would. He said all along that I had to find an exercise that I enjoyed, not just tolerated, and he was right. (Dean, write the date down, I said you were right this once! LOL) Anyways, I do love riding with my hushpuppy....but I love riding alone ALOT!!! There are quite a few things I have learned this week from riding my bike. I could not help but see the similarities that God was screaming at me! So I decided I had to share.....
1. You want different results you HAVE to be willing to try different things.
Seems simple enough, right?? But we all do it! My weight loss has been at a plateau for a while, and it was beginning to frustrate me. But I was doing the same old same old every day!! Eating the same things, doing the same exercises at the gym. I finally realized it was time to challenge myself, to push myself to a new level.
We whine and complete because nothing is changing, but we are not willing to change the things we do every day. I heard LONG ago, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I eat popcorn and caramel M&Ms everyday (hey...no judgement!!), but get mad because I am not losing any more weight...or if I never change the oil in my car, and it stalls out on me on the interstate....I forget everyday to water my vegetable garden but can't figure out why nothing is growing...or my kids misbehave everyday because I don't take the time and effort to discipline them...or I don't take the time to invest in growing my marriage and I see my husband ooggling over a women at work....if I am not willing to change myself and my actions, I can't be mad at anyone but myself.
1. You want different results you HAVE to be willing to try different things.
Seems simple enough, right?? But we all do it! My weight loss has been at a plateau for a while, and it was beginning to frustrate me. But I was doing the same old same old every day!! Eating the same things, doing the same exercises at the gym. I finally realized it was time to challenge myself, to push myself to a new level.
We whine and complete because nothing is changing, but we are not willing to change the things we do every day. I heard LONG ago, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I eat popcorn and caramel M&Ms everyday (hey...no judgement!!), but get mad because I am not losing any more weight...or if I never change the oil in my car, and it stalls out on me on the interstate....I forget everyday to water my vegetable garden but can't figure out why nothing is growing...or my kids misbehave everyday because I don't take the time and effort to discipline them...or I don't take the time to invest in growing my marriage and I see my husband ooggling over a women at work....if I am not willing to change myself and my actions, I can't be mad at anyone but myself.
2. Make small changes for BIG results
On a bicycle the smallest adjustment to the seat, or what you wear, or where you ride...all completely change the experience. Shifting the angle of the seat the slightest millimeter can make all the difference! Wearing bicycle gloves can SAVE your palms!!! Padded shorts are a GOD SENT!!! LOL
Apply that to life....spend 5 more mins a day in the word, or 5 more mins a day in prayer and see how it changes your spiritual life. Take a Friday night and take your spouse on a date, just the 2 of you, somewhere without kids, and without cell phones and watch your relationship explode! How much effort does it really take to start the snowball rolling? What kind of teeny tiny peeble makes HUGE ripples in the water?
3. Don't look at the top of the hill, look at the 2 feet in foot of you
The first time I tried to ride up a pretty decent sized hill, I kept staring way off in the distance at the top of the hill. I thought I would NEVER get to the top. And you know what...I never did!! I stopped and walked my bike up the hill. I was so disappointed in myself, so discouraged. Dean of course was great, told me not to stress about it, that really soon that hill would seem like nothing to me. Well, a few days later I decided to ride that same hill on a ride myself, I was not going to be defeated by a silly hill. So I tried to get a running start to the hill first. (Make a plan, get prepared, start at the beginning and work toward the top) Then when the hill started, I put my head and down and pushed myself! (That's a word right there!!! Put your head down and FOCUS, look at nothing else. Don't let the devil distract you off your path.) I watched only the 2 feet in the front of the bike. Not the 100 feet straight up in front of me!! Take it one little step at a time. Eat the elephant one bite at a time.
4. Take time to soak it all in
I don't want to ride so fast and so hard that I don't see the beauty all around me. I want to see the trees, to smell the honeysuckle, the feel the breeze on my face, to soak in the praise music in my ears, to hear God's little whisper. I need to slow down and smell the roses!! Seriously!! I have a REAAAAALLLLYYYYY hard time slowing down, stopping my brain, and resting. I go go go ALL THE TIME!!! I don't know how to be any different. I'm just not made that way. Dean is constantly trying to get my to rest. Sometimes, my body makes me rest, even when I don't really want to. I am trying to retrain myself to slow down and enjoy things. To not be in a constant state of frustration and being overwhelmed, especially when it is typically my own doing!
I hope and pray that as I continue to ride....He will continue to speak!
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
20 things you may not know about me
As I sat here trying to think of something to write, I realized I was trying to think of something to be sad about, or rant about, or be angry about, or dwell on....so I'm not doing that tonight. I am purposefully trying to go off that track, we will see where this goes.
So here are 20 things you may not know about me....
1. I have played cello since 6th grade. Growing up I wanted to be a member of the disney orchestra, meaning the orchestra that played all the background music for all the movies. For some reason I thought that was better than any other playing gig.
2. As a middle schooler my nickname was Lizard...that's all you get, no explanation. LOL!!
3. I have visited probably 40 out of 50 states.
4. I have never flown over water before...not sure when I will either...scares the heck out of me.
5. I still don't like my closet door open at night, because of watching Poltergeist as a kid.
6. The summer after 4th grade, I don't think I took my roller skates off all summer.
7. I have visited the largest Mcdonalds in the world. At least at the time it was, in Barstow CA. It was made from 7 cabooses.
8. I hate Dennys...bad childhood memories.
9. My playlist is very eclectic... including Yancy Ministries, The Piano Guys, Pentatonix, Bella and the Flecktones, The Violent Femmes, Sugarland, Missy Elliott, Yo Yo Ma, Flo Rida, Justin Timberlake, Bethel, Jesus Culture, Vertical Worship, Israel, Glee cast, and much more!
10. I went to Applachian State as a music education major but didn't finish...I never felt qualified/ready to actually teach. I am a firm believe that teaching is a true calling, that you shouldn't do it unless you are 100% sure. When my sister was in 3rd grade, she needed help with long division and I couldn't figure out a way to explain it to an 8 yr old. That scared me to death! One of the main reasons I quit school.
11. Speaking of sister....I locked her in my cello case once.
12. As a kid, my cousin and I spent the summers playing News Show. We made up stories and hosted our own TV news show. EVERYTHING that happened became a story for the news. I remember a particular one from a restaurant about a vanilla mountain that was melting into the chocolate sea around it.
13. I believe my brain has blocked out lots of childhood memories to shield me from the pain of it all.
14. I was born on Christmas Eve. My mom always said she had nasty hospital mac and cheese that Christmas because of me. I also came home from the hospital in a Christmas Stocking.
15. I love to craft! All kinds of crafts! But the one thing I can't seem to figure out is knitting or crocheting, and it makes me nuts that I can't!
16. Silly things that I love terribly... caramel M&Ms (new found love, if you haven't tried them you are missing out), Necco wafers candy, Big Red soda (near impossible to find these days), socks, owls and bees (but not real ones, just silly girlie ones), pinterest, reality TV (not the stupid ones though like The Kardashians or Jersey Shore...the competition ones like Survivor, Amazing Race, Top Chef, The NExt HGTV Star and such), chapstick (HUGE addiction!!), and a huge collection of coffee creamers (my cofffee is more sugar and cream than coffee most days).
17. My husband and I got married 6 weeks after our first day. And if you ask either of us, we waited too long. We just knew. After our first date, I prayed over and over, if this is right Lord tell him, please tell him. I was in a very dry place, had been angry with God for a while, I was afraid I wouldn't hear His voice. But luckily we both did, loud and clear.
18. I love to cook, but hate to bake. I don't like the science of it. I like mixing what I want, and flying by the seat of my pants with cooking. Which is crazy because I am the biggest planner/list maker that I know in every other area of my life.
19. One of the awesomest times I have ever had with the Lord was laughing uncontrollably in the Holy Ghost. He got a hold of me, and wouldn't stop. He knew I needed to let go, to not be in charge, to just relax, and enjoy the moment. I believe with all my heart that sometimes the Lord knocks me on my behind because that is the only time I will stop and rest. (But that is a WHOLE other blog post.)
20. I am totally in love with my life. Is it perfect....no, but it is pretty stinkin' wonderful. I am completely head over heels in love with my husband, who treats me like his queen every single day. I have 4 wonderful children who make me laugh, smile, cry, and scream every day, sometimes all in the same day. I get to serve at the most amazing church with the most incredible team teaching the most fabulous kids on the planet. I LOVE WHAT I GET TO DO!!!! Combining music and kids for me has always been where I was supposed to be, I just had to wait on His timing.
Oh you know what here is one extra one that I couldn't leave out....
21. I was saved and baptized at the age of 19, when I was in college. The Saturday before my baptism on Sunday I sprained my knee playing kick ball in the church yard. The doctor said I would have been better off if I had broken it. I was in a splint thing for over 8 weeks. Anyways, I have always said that was the devil trying to get me off my path way back then! But he didn't succeed then....and I am still fighting him today. His whispers haunt me daily....but I always try to remind myself that is just because I scare him so!
So here are 20 things you may not know about me....
1. I have played cello since 6th grade. Growing up I wanted to be a member of the disney orchestra, meaning the orchestra that played all the background music for all the movies. For some reason I thought that was better than any other playing gig.
2. As a middle schooler my nickname was Lizard...that's all you get, no explanation. LOL!!
3. I have visited probably 40 out of 50 states.
4. I have never flown over water before...not sure when I will either...scares the heck out of me.
5. I still don't like my closet door open at night, because of watching Poltergeist as a kid.
6. The summer after 4th grade, I don't think I took my roller skates off all summer.
7. I have visited the largest Mcdonalds in the world. At least at the time it was, in Barstow CA. It was made from 7 cabooses.
8. I hate Dennys...bad childhood memories.
9. My playlist is very eclectic... including Yancy Ministries, The Piano Guys, Pentatonix, Bella and the Flecktones, The Violent Femmes, Sugarland, Missy Elliott, Yo Yo Ma, Flo Rida, Justin Timberlake, Bethel, Jesus Culture, Vertical Worship, Israel, Glee cast, and much more!
10. I went to Applachian State as a music education major but didn't finish...I never felt qualified/ready to actually teach. I am a firm believe that teaching is a true calling, that you shouldn't do it unless you are 100% sure. When my sister was in 3rd grade, she needed help with long division and I couldn't figure out a way to explain it to an 8 yr old. That scared me to death! One of the main reasons I quit school.
11. Speaking of sister....I locked her in my cello case once.
12. As a kid, my cousin and I spent the summers playing News Show. We made up stories and hosted our own TV news show. EVERYTHING that happened became a story for the news. I remember a particular one from a restaurant about a vanilla mountain that was melting into the chocolate sea around it.
13. I believe my brain has blocked out lots of childhood memories to shield me from the pain of it all.
14. I was born on Christmas Eve. My mom always said she had nasty hospital mac and cheese that Christmas because of me. I also came home from the hospital in a Christmas Stocking.
15. I love to craft! All kinds of crafts! But the one thing I can't seem to figure out is knitting or crocheting, and it makes me nuts that I can't!
16. Silly things that I love terribly... caramel M&Ms (new found love, if you haven't tried them you are missing out), Necco wafers candy, Big Red soda (near impossible to find these days), socks, owls and bees (but not real ones, just silly girlie ones), pinterest, reality TV (not the stupid ones though like The Kardashians or Jersey Shore...the competition ones like Survivor, Amazing Race, Top Chef, The NExt HGTV Star and such), chapstick (HUGE addiction!!), and a huge collection of coffee creamers (my cofffee is more sugar and cream than coffee most days).
17. My husband and I got married 6 weeks after our first day. And if you ask either of us, we waited too long. We just knew. After our first date, I prayed over and over, if this is right Lord tell him, please tell him. I was in a very dry place, had been angry with God for a while, I was afraid I wouldn't hear His voice. But luckily we both did, loud and clear.
18. I love to cook, but hate to bake. I don't like the science of it. I like mixing what I want, and flying by the seat of my pants with cooking. Which is crazy because I am the biggest planner/list maker that I know in every other area of my life.
19. One of the awesomest times I have ever had with the Lord was laughing uncontrollably in the Holy Ghost. He got a hold of me, and wouldn't stop. He knew I needed to let go, to not be in charge, to just relax, and enjoy the moment. I believe with all my heart that sometimes the Lord knocks me on my behind because that is the only time I will stop and rest. (But that is a WHOLE other blog post.)
20. I am totally in love with my life. Is it perfect....no, but it is pretty stinkin' wonderful. I am completely head over heels in love with my husband, who treats me like his queen every single day. I have 4 wonderful children who make me laugh, smile, cry, and scream every day, sometimes all in the same day. I get to serve at the most amazing church with the most incredible team teaching the most fabulous kids on the planet. I LOVE WHAT I GET TO DO!!!! Combining music and kids for me has always been where I was supposed to be, I just had to wait on His timing.
Oh you know what here is one extra one that I couldn't leave out....
21. I was saved and baptized at the age of 19, when I was in college. The Saturday before my baptism on Sunday I sprained my knee playing kick ball in the church yard. The doctor said I would have been better off if I had broken it. I was in a splint thing for over 8 weeks. Anyways, I have always said that was the devil trying to get me off my path way back then! But he didn't succeed then....and I am still fighting him today. His whispers haunt me daily....but I always try to remind myself that is just because I scare him so!
Sunday, May 7, 2017
I love Jesus...but I cuss a little!
Everyone is talking lately about being real, about getting down and dirty, and sharing our hearts with everyone....I believe that is exactly what this world needs. These are dark times, people are hurting. I can't even imagine all the things people are dealing with on a daily basis. They need something more! People need people. They need real relationships. They need people to tell them the truth, not throw bible verses and church-ese at them. They need open and honest hearts that are willing to live life with them. To walk with them through the every day things, dealing with kids, husbands, work, cooking dinner, crying alone at night, aging parents, grumpy neighbors, hating the gym, finding their purpose....the big and the little things. We need to get down in the trenches and truly be their friend.
Understand me here....I didn't say to sugar coat things, and tell them everything is going to be ok. I said to tell them TRUTH! Does life suck sometimes....yes....but there is MORE!! There are choices that can be made to change things. People that are willing to be a real part of their life, and stand there with them, and walk through ALL the crap together.
But it has to start by us to stop hiding behind our Christianity, stop hiding behind the title of Christian. I am still human like everyone else...I am a woman, wife, mother, hard worker, overly sensitive, insanely creative, loving, scared human. I still deal with STUFF everyday. Being a Christian does not make me perfect. Like I said, I love Jesus but I cuss a little. I get angry, and yell at the kids. I get upset, and cry for no reason. I make wrong decisions. I do bad things. I do not live a perfect life. Do I try? Yes. But I don't always succeed, and that is completely OK! At least I tried. Each day is a new day, a new time to try again, to do better, to learn from what went wrong yesterday.
I used to say that I wore a lot of masks....that there was a work Libby, an at home Libby, a church Libby....that I was who I was supposed to be at each separate place. No one ever knew the pain I was in, the struggles I went through each and every day, because I NEVER let it show. Not to my best friends, my mother, my children, my pastors, no one knew how much my heart hurt. I became very good at hiding it behind a mask. Everyone thought I had it all together. I was dying on the inside, and no one knew because I wouldn't let them see. That is exactly why I refuse to be that kind of friend to other people now. I want people to see that I am 100% real, definitely not perfect, and that I am approachable, and they can come to me with anything, no judgement, just a heart wanting to help in any way I can.
I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I went through all that I went through for a reason. I have to believe that, otherwise I can't handle the pain of the past. A missing manipulative waste of skin for a father, a destructive first half of my life longing for the attention of any man that would look my way that I regret horribly, an abusive demeaning 12 year marriage to a monster that I still worry every day that it broke my girls hearts so much that it can't be mended and haunts them still to this day, thinking still that I waited too long to get us out of that situation, that if I had just been braver we wouldn't be so broken, that it wouldn't be so hard, a busted up pieced back together heart that aches so much at times that I can't even explain...all these things can't be for nothing. That pain can't go to waste, I won't allow it to. There has to be something more....
I go back to this...
"For I know the plans that I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
All of this had a greater purpose...to make me who I am today. A jar of clay, molded by the Father's hands. There are cracks in this jar, but they have been filled with His love and mercy and grace. The cracks are still there as reminders though. Reminders of where I came from. But seeing them filled, reminds me of where He has brought me to. I know without a doubt that my purpose is to be an encouragement to others. To be a real person, not someone pretending to be a perfect Christian. I know what I went through isn't the worst thing in the world, plenty of others have been through worse. But for me, it was the biggest, saddest, scariest thing I have ever experienced, and it changed me. It had to. For a while, it changed me for the worse...I was a mess. Mad, sad, depressed, angry, lonely...but now I can look back and see it was all for this moment. The moment I can stand here and say, here I am a broken, messed up, scared, crying woman who knows my great big God is by my side everyday....and He has purposed this time for me, this exact moment. He has a plan for my life. He took a bad situation and turned it into something for His glory.
Listen to me friend.....just because you made a mistake, or you made a hundred mistakes, whether they were last week, yesterday, or 5 minutes ago....it doesn't matter. God doesn't expect you to be perfect, He just asks that you try. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again, and again if that's what it takes. And if you don't know how.... then ask someone for help, let the people in your life IN your life. Let them see the real you. Let them know you are struggling, that you are drowning, that you need them. Let them IN!
If that's not you...if things are going well right now....then just be ready and willing to serve when someone else cries out for help.
Understand me here....I didn't say to sugar coat things, and tell them everything is going to be ok. I said to tell them TRUTH! Does life suck sometimes....yes....but there is MORE!! There are choices that can be made to change things. People that are willing to be a real part of their life, and stand there with them, and walk through ALL the crap together.
But it has to start by us to stop hiding behind our Christianity, stop hiding behind the title of Christian. I am still human like everyone else...I am a woman, wife, mother, hard worker, overly sensitive, insanely creative, loving, scared human. I still deal with STUFF everyday. Being a Christian does not make me perfect. Like I said, I love Jesus but I cuss a little. I get angry, and yell at the kids. I get upset, and cry for no reason. I make wrong decisions. I do bad things. I do not live a perfect life. Do I try? Yes. But I don't always succeed, and that is completely OK! At least I tried. Each day is a new day, a new time to try again, to do better, to learn from what went wrong yesterday.
I used to say that I wore a lot of masks....that there was a work Libby, an at home Libby, a church Libby....that I was who I was supposed to be at each separate place. No one ever knew the pain I was in, the struggles I went through each and every day, because I NEVER let it show. Not to my best friends, my mother, my children, my pastors, no one knew how much my heart hurt. I became very good at hiding it behind a mask. Everyone thought I had it all together. I was dying on the inside, and no one knew because I wouldn't let them see. That is exactly why I refuse to be that kind of friend to other people now. I want people to see that I am 100% real, definitely not perfect, and that I am approachable, and they can come to me with anything, no judgement, just a heart wanting to help in any way I can.
I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I went through all that I went through for a reason. I have to believe that, otherwise I can't handle the pain of the past. A missing manipulative waste of skin for a father, a destructive first half of my life longing for the attention of any man that would look my way that I regret horribly, an abusive demeaning 12 year marriage to a monster that I still worry every day that it broke my girls hearts so much that it can't be mended and haunts them still to this day, thinking still that I waited too long to get us out of that situation, that if I had just been braver we wouldn't be so broken, that it wouldn't be so hard, a busted up pieced back together heart that aches so much at times that I can't even explain...all these things can't be for nothing. That pain can't go to waste, I won't allow it to. There has to be something more....
I go back to this...
"For I know the plans that I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
All of this had a greater purpose...to make me who I am today. A jar of clay, molded by the Father's hands. There are cracks in this jar, but they have been filled with His love and mercy and grace. The cracks are still there as reminders though. Reminders of where I came from. But seeing them filled, reminds me of where He has brought me to. I know without a doubt that my purpose is to be an encouragement to others. To be a real person, not someone pretending to be a perfect Christian. I know what I went through isn't the worst thing in the world, plenty of others have been through worse. But for me, it was the biggest, saddest, scariest thing I have ever experienced, and it changed me. It had to. For a while, it changed me for the worse...I was a mess. Mad, sad, depressed, angry, lonely...but now I can look back and see it was all for this moment. The moment I can stand here and say, here I am a broken, messed up, scared, crying woman who knows my great big God is by my side everyday....and He has purposed this time for me, this exact moment. He has a plan for my life. He took a bad situation and turned it into something for His glory.
Listen to me friend.....just because you made a mistake, or you made a hundred mistakes, whether they were last week, yesterday, or 5 minutes ago....it doesn't matter. God doesn't expect you to be perfect, He just asks that you try. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again, and again if that's what it takes. And if you don't know how.... then ask someone for help, let the people in your life IN your life. Let them see the real you. Let them know you are struggling, that you are drowning, that you need them. Let them IN!
If that's not you...if things are going well right now....then just be ready and willing to serve when someone else cries out for help.
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